The Perfect Bluff
by DiamondStar40
Summary: After coming back through the Omega 4 Relay, the Normandy goes to the Citadel for repairs. Joker decides that he can no longer hide his feelings for Shepard after almost losing her again. Chapters 6 & 7 are FINALLY up! FemShep/Joker...R&R please!
1. Prologue: From the Gates of Hell

**Prologue**

**From the Gates of Hell**

_I'm dead, surely I'm dead…_Skylar Shepard thought as she gasped for air. Her navy blue capacitor chest plate squeezed her front torso, and her weapon pack felt like it weighed five metric-tons. She couldn't see a damned thing except a crack of dim light ahead of her.

Wait…

She could see, she could breathe…and she hurt like hell…surely she was _alive._

Shepard moved her arms, surprised that she could do so. She placed her hands on either side of her body and began push up with super-human strength. As every muscle in her upper body screamed in agony, she gritted her teeth and pushed against the metal platform. Even full-armor push-ups during N7 training hadn't been this difficult. Shepard concluded that something must have fallen on top of her in all the chaos. Her voice growled deep within her throat as she strained against the force of artificial gravity to bring herself to her knees. Bringing her left knee up to stabilize her left arm, she began to lift the heavy slab of metal that had been lying across her back. She brought up her other arm to take some of the strain off her neck, and slowly began to rise, using her powerful leg muscles to give her the extra boost she needed to shrug the slab off.

It crashed to the platform, sending small shockwaves through her boots. To her horror, she looked around and saw her squad mates were trapped under similar debris. They lay motionless on the platform, and she feared the worst as she ran over to the crumpled figure on her right. A flash of green scales and the muzzle of an M-97 Viper were distinguishable amidst the rubble: it was Thane.

Shepard grabbed his shoulder and gently turned him over. His large, black eyes blinked both sets of eyelids groggily at her as his eyes attempted to focus. He sat up and Shepard grasped his arm to help him up to his feet. She gave him a firm pat on the shoulder and they exchanged nods, wordlessly acknowledging that Thane was alright.

Turning around, Shepard saw Samara lying under a smaller chunk of metal. She ran over to her and curled her fingers around the slab, throwing it aside. To her relief, Samara's silvery blue eyes looked alertly back at her, letting Shepard know she was conscious. As Shepard helped the Justicar up, her headset crackled as a transmission came through.

"_Do you copy? Commander?"_

On _Normandy'_s bridge, Joker was sweating bigger bullets than those of Shepard's trusty M-97. Damn that woman, he'd been hailing her for the past five minutes with no response, and it was starting to worry him.

_Skylar, please don't do this to me. I can't lose you again._ "Come on, Shepard, don't leave me hanging! Do you copy?" He said, desperation leaking into his voice.

Finally, the comms crackled, _"I'm here, Joker." _Joker leaned back into his chair and rubbed his eyes in relief, _"Did the ground team make it?"_

Miranda approached the pilot's chair. Joker looked back at her and they exchanged acknowledging nods. He sighed in relief again as he said, "All survivors are on board, we're just waiting for you."

Before he could breathe easy again, he heard the subtle and eerie sound of Collector swarms through the comm channel, followed by gunfire. Shepard neglected to turn off her comm unit as she started to run, evidenced by her heavy breathing and by Harbinger's deep, dark baritone.

"_Human! You've changed nothing!"_

"Go, Miranda! Get back to a safety harness!" Joker yelled as he fired up the _Normandy'_s engines, which were already hot per Shepard's orders. With extremely practiced hands, he lifted the frigate off the surface of the Collector station.

"Right!" Miranda shouted, and Joker heard her high-heeled boots hit the deck plates as she ran back towards the CIC.

He continued to hear both Shepard's labored breathing and Harbinger's warnings through the open channel, _"Your species has the attention of those infinitely your greater. That which you know as Reapers are your salvation through destruction."_

Joker swung _Normandy'_s bow so he could see the entrance to the base. In the cavern-like mouth, he could see Shepard, Thane, and Samara sprinting towards him, a group of Collectors in hot pursuit.

"EDI!" Joker called out, answered by the floating blue holographic orb, "I need you to take the helm so I can give them some cover!"

"That will be extremely dangerous, Jeff." EDI pointed out.

Joker shook his head vigorously, "We've talked about this, EDI! I'm not letting them take her down again."

"Very well, Jeff. Just be careful." The AI relented.

Joker inputted the autopilot protocols and got up out of his chair, grabbing an assault rifle from the bridge weapons locker. One thing was for certain: he sure as hell wasn't going to let Sky get gunned down when he finally had her in sight.

"I have control, Jeff." EDI said, "Good luck." The AI swung the ship to starboard, so that the port airlock faced the sprinting squad.

Joker opened the airlock and stood fearlessly on the edge of the deck, raising the M-8 Avenger up to his shoulder. He gritted his teeth into a scowl and fired, taking out at least one Collector and deterring the others. _That's right_, Joker thought, _Don't you even _think_ about taking her down. Not this time._

As the station began to shudder, debris fell all around the _Normandy,_ but Joker kept his steady footing. Thane and Samara sprinted ahead of Shepard, leaping up onto _Normandy'_s deck. They stood beside Joker, flanking him and watching as Shepard sprinted towards the hatch.

Suddenly, a rain of large debris fell perilously close to the _Normandy,_ knocking out the floating platforms that had bridged the gulf between the base's ledge and the ship. Joker looked down, almost immediately regretting it; it was a long, long way down. He looked back up at the gap between the ledge and where he stood, Shepard sprinting as hard as she could towards the ledge.

_Oh shit, she's not gonna make it!_

_No, she'll make it, she's got to…_

Joker's heart pounded louder and harder the closer she got to the ledge. When she got there, she took a huge leap towards the ship. Time seemed to slow as Joker watched her reach out, her momentum carrying her ever closer. Her fate would be decided in the next few seconds.

It was over almost as soon as it began. Shepard caught the bottom edge of the airlock as the Collectors began to fire at them again, hoping to hit her and cause her to lose her grip. Samara grabbed the commander's arm and pulled her up into the ship as Joker laid down more cover fire. Once Shepard was in, Joker slammed the button to close the airlock and started to walk as fast as his weak legs could carry him back towards the bridge. Between the adrenaline making his legs feel like jelly and EDI's sudden acceleration of the ship upwards, he almost lost his balance.

EDI began a final countdown to the destruction of the Collector base, "Detonation in ten, nine, eight…"

Joker tossed the rifle to the side and took a seat back in his chair, "Yeah, I get the gist of it, EDI. Hold on!" He disengaged the autopilot and took the _Normandy'_s helm, pulling her into an Immelmann, rolling up and away from the doomed station. _Normandy_ lurched forward as the shockwave from the first blast shook her hull, knocking Shepard forward into the pilot's seat. She cried out in surprise and gripped the back of the chair to keep from falling to the deck. Joker powered up _Normandy'_s throttles to accelerate them up to maximum sub-light velocity. To his surprise, Shepard's gauntleted fingers dug into his shoulders, as if she were hanging on for dear life.

"Get us out of here, Joker." She said, the calm in her voice betrayed by the tension in her grip.

Joker quirked an eyebrow; he rather liked the fact that he was about to whisk her away from certain death.

_Like you should have been able to do two years ago…_

"Engaging FTL drive," Joker said, inputting _Normandy'_s mass into the Omega 4 companion relay's computer. The helm controls alerted him that the shockwave from the station's main explosion was right on their six, but Joker just cracked a smile. "Eat my exhaust, bitches."

In a flash of crimson light, _Normandy_ became the first non-Collector ship to jump back through the Omega-4 Relay.

Almost instantaneously, _Normandy_ appeared in the Sahrabarik system, alongside the Omega 4 Relay. As soon as the ship materialized, each crew member on deck visibly relaxed. The tension in Shepard's own shoulders released, and relief trickled through her veins. The after-shocks rippled through her body shortly afterwards, causing her to physically shudder.

"Commander," Joker said as the readings showed up on his console, "We're getting an insane amount of comm traffic." He shook his head in amazement. "Every ship and station in the system must be hailing us!"

"Normandy!_ We read, you, do you need assistance?"_

"_Commander Shepard, the freighter_ Athabasca _is standing by to assist."_

"_Cerberus vessel, this is Omega mining tug 5274, _

Samara raised her brows, the gold adornments on them creeping up her forehead, "I'm sure this is unusual, since they have never seen anything but a Collector ship jump out of this Relay."

Shepard nodded in agreement, "Put out a general signal, Joker, squawk lost comms." The order she issued would shut them up for the time being when they discovered they had "lost" communications. At that moment, she realized that she still gripped Joker's shoulders, and almost immediately, she let go. She nervously clasped her hands behind her back and wrung at them, embarrassed that she'd manifested her tension in such a manner.

Miranda's boots clicked along the walkway to the bridge. She stopped short of the entrance, "The Illusive Man would like to speak to you, Shepard."

Shepard nodded grudgingly, "I'm sure he does." She grumbled before starting off towards the briefing room. As she made her way through the CIC, she kicked aside any stray debris in her way, and noted that the holographic display of the _Normandy_ in the center console was flickering. She walked through the lab, nodding to Mordin as she passed through. The poor Salarian was digging through the disarray of lab instruments, trying to sort everything out.

When the door to the briefing room opened, she found that a large beam had fallen in front of it, blocking her way. Instead of merely stepping over it, she lifted it up and propped it against the wall. A few electrical wires and hydraulic lines had fallen in the doorway as well, and she carefully brushed them aside before entering the room. The table disappeared into the floor as the holo-communications grid rose up to replace it. She reluctantly stepped through; she wasn't looking forward to dealing with the Illusive Man's bullshit.

He appeared before her, brow furrowed and glowing eyes narrowed in a mixture of disappointment and disdain. He tapped the ash off the end of his cigarette before addressing her. _"Shepard, you're making a habit of costing me more than time and money."_

"Too many lives were lost at that base," Shepard waved her hand dismissively in front of her, "I'm not sorry it's gone."

"_The first of _many_ lives."_ the Illusive Man retorted, _"The technology from that base could have secured human dominance in the galaxy against the Reapers and beyond."_

Shepard fired right back, "Human dominance?" She stepped forward to make it clear she was directly challenging him, "Or just Cerberus?"

The Illusive Man rose from his chair, _"Strength for Cerberus is strength for every human_. _Cerberus_ is _humanity."_ He walked towards her and pointed accusingly at her projection, _"I should have known you'd choke on the hard decisions," _waving the hand with the cigarette at her, he finished, _"too idealistic from the start."_

Shepard took her own step forward and pointed right back at him. "I know what you are and the price of dealing with you." She spat, then took a step back and relaxed her stance. Her more relaxed body language didn't mean resignation, however. It meant that she was confident, and would no longer take any of the Illusive Man's crap. It ended here. "We do things _my_ way from now on." The Illusive Man stood in contemplative but stunned silence, puffing his cigarette, just the way Shepard intended him to. "Harbinger is coming and he won't be alone, I'm going to make sure we're ready when they get here." Her hand waved sharply across her body as she continued, "You can fall in line or step aside, but don't get in my way."

The Illusive Man's eyes were like ice, but at the same time burned with the fire of rage. He took several purposeful steps, stopping right in front of her projection. _"You're sure that's what you want? You're taking a hell of a risk, Shepard!"_

Shepard advanced so that she was eye to eye with the image of the Illusive Man. "I don't think so," she snarled, "I'm going to stop the Reapers, but I'm not going to sacrifice the soul of our species to do it." With that, she decided she'd said her piece and walked out of the holo-grid, smirking as she did so.

Navigating her way back to the bridge through the wreck, she noticed that Joker had been watching her progress through the CIC. As she walked along the catwalk, Joker said, "Did you give him the what for, Commander?"

"You bet your ass I did," Shepard could hardly contain the smile that threatened to spread across her face.

"Serves him right," Joker grunted as he swiveled around back to his console. "We're going to need to dock somewhere for repairs, any preferences?"

Shepard walked up beside him and crossed her arms across her chest plate. "Set a course for the Citadel, best possible speed."

Joker looked up at her and half-smiled, "Already got it laid in, Commander."

Shepard raised an eyebrow, "You're very good at that, you know."

"What?" Joker asked, feigning ignorance.

Shepard slapped the bill of his cap playfully, not enough to skew it, but enough for him to take notice. "Anticipating my every move, of course."

Joker paused for a moment, something that struck Shepard as very odd. Usually he had a come-back for anything anyone said. Finally, he said, "That's what I'm here for."

Shepard nodded, "Right." If she didn't know any better, she would have sworn that he was holding something back from her. What he just said wasn't a typical response from him; usually it was some kind of remark laced with sarcasm and his famous dry wit. This was something completely different.

"I'd better get out of this armor," she said, wanting to break the awkward silence. As she turned to walk away, Joker spoke again.

"Commander," he said, sounding a little forced. She turned back around at looked at him expectantly. He looked back up at her, right into her eyes, holding her gaze for a few moments. In those moments, Shepard realized something she had never really noticed before: Joker's eyes were a brilliant shade of green.

"I'm glad you made it back," Joker continued his thought, "for a minute there, I thought I - I mean, we - were going to lose you again."

Shepard cocked her head to the side slightly, contemplating what he had just said. "I'm glad I made it back, too, Joker." She replied, not sure of what else she was supposed to say.

Joker nodded curtly and acknowledged her, "Commander," then he turned back around. Shepard waited for a few drawn-out seconds on the ramp, looking at the back of her helmsman's head. _Does he…?_

She finally walked away and shook her head slightly. _Nah._

Commander Skylar Shepard stood just short of the entrance to the main cargo bay. The scene was incredible: all of her crew mates were working to patch as much of the ship together as they could enroute to the Citadel. Nothing could make her more proud than to see a band of people so different come together. Something about surviving that mission did something for them…and it did something for her, too. She trusted each and every one of them with her life, and they trusted her with theirs.

She stepped into the bay and was immediately greeted by Thane, who rendered a salute to her as he walked by. Seeing Legion, Jack, Grunt, and Garrus all working on the same damaged section, she realized just how much they trusted her as they all looked up to acknowledge her as she walked by. Jack gave her a curt and confident nod, more than Shepard could have ever asked from her. Joker was working beside them, and had looked up initially, then back down again. He did a double take when she stopped beside him, standing up to look her right in the eyes. As he walked over to her, he gave her a data pad with a Reaper schematic downloaded onto it. Shepard took it, still trying to decode the look in his eyes…the same look he had given her on the bridge mere hours ago. He didn't say a word as he walked off to attend to other things, leaving her staring out a forcefield that contained one of the many hull breaches in the bay.

Looking out into the vast darkness of space, she knew that somewhere beyond those stars, the Reapers were coming. A cold pit settled into her stomach; would they be able to save the galaxy, standing alone without the Citadel, the Alliance, or even Cerberus to support them? Shepard looked back at her crew…her hardworking, intensely loyal crew, then back out into the void. The cold feeling in her gut melted away.

If anyone in the universe could defeat the Reapers, it was the crew of the _Normandy._


	2. Chapter 1: The Spectre Returns

**Chapter One**

**The Spectre Returns**

"Citadel Approach, _Normandy_ is with you bearing one-four-zero mark five for docking." Joker said, firing of every word with both speed and purpose. At the same time, he ran his hands expertly over the ship's controls, lining up with the Citadel's approach corridor.

_"_Normandy_, we read you in the corridor, please standby."_ The Citadel's approach controller replied courteously.

This jargon wasn't new to Shepard; before she became a marine, she spent a few years flying the T-66 Manta Ray fighter aboard the SSV _Oppenheimer_. She understood that pilots had a language all their own, and that to the untrained ear, it all sounded like gibberish. That gibberish was, however, a very precise language that allowed controllers and ship handlers to communicate effectively when large volumes of traffic were involved. Crossing her arms over her chest, she watched as various starships flitted in and out of view of the _Normandy'_s bridge view ports.

_"_Normandy,_ follow freighter traffic ahead 5 klicks, prepare for auto-dock."_

Joker snickered a bit before he replied, "Ah, negative. _Normandy_ will complete approach hands-on." He looked up at Shepard with that "aren't-I-awesome?" look on his face, one that she couldn't resist smiling at.

"Show-off," Shepard shook her head, despite her wide grin.

"What do you want?" Joker said in a mock defensive tone, "Automated docking is boring!"

"Uh-huh," Shepard nodded slowly then poked his shoulder. "Just admit you like being a show-off."

The approach controller came back on over the speakers, _"Roger that, _Normandy,_ confirm traffic in sight, cleared hands-on docking Zakera Level 27, berth Kilo."_

"Cleared Zakera 27 Kilo, _Normandy_ has freighter in sight." Joker responded then turned his head back up at Shepard. "Besides, what good are my prodigious skills if I let a computer do it?"

Just as Joker finished his last comment, a floating blue holographic orb appeared on the far left console. "I heard that, Jeff." EDI said in her metallic voice.

Joker threw up his left hand while simultaneously concentrating on the controls, "You have your purpose, EDI, but I thought we agreed that flying was _my_ job."

"Indeed we did," the AI relented, "but I would like to point out that there are many flaws inherent in your manual flying that can be remedied by an autopilot."

Shepard raised her eyebrows and laughed, "Ouch!"

"Hey, hey!" Joker said defensively, "You can't tell if I'm flying it or not, right, Commander?"

Shepard raised her hands in mock defeat, "You aren't dragging me into this, Joker."

"But you can't, right?" Joker pressed.

Shepard sighed, "It's true."

"See?" Joker glared at EDI, who didn't reply. He nodded with satisfaction, "Pilot one, AI zip."

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose and chuckled silently, shoulders shuddering with every breath. This was part of the reason she was glad to have Joker around, he never ceased to entertain.

The _Normandy_ glided up to one of the Citadel's five arms, gracefully weaving through any traffic. Joker slid his hand down the right panel, lowering the throttle setting, and thus the power output of the engines. _Normandy_ slowed to a crawl before coming to a smooth stop with engines at idle power next to the docking berth. The docking clamps came down to rest perfectly onto her outboard port nacelle, securing into place with a subtle _clunk_.

"Ha!" Joker said, powering down the engines with a flourish of movement across the helm controls, "How d'ya like that, EDI?"

The AI didn't miss a beat, "The third clamp is off by three microns."

Joker raised an annoyed eyebrow at her, "Picky, picky…"

Shepard clapped him on the shoulder, "You did very well, Joker." She squeezed it slightly before letting go, noting that there wasn't a whole lot of give in the muscles. He was definitely more muscular than she'd previously thought.

She immediately purged the thought from her mind, "Tell them we need repairs," she said, trying to get her mind back on track. "I need to go talk to Anderson."

"Aye, Commander," Joker replied, but turned around in his seat to face her. "What do we do now? I mean, you basically gave Cerberus the finger."

"That's what I'm going to try to figure out," Shepard sighed and shrugged her shoulders. "Hopefully, with any luck, I can convince the Council that what we've done is all the proof they need to take the Reaper threat seriously."

"Hopefully," Joker raised a dubious eyebrow. "I wouldn't count on it, though."

Shepard shook her head, wrapping her arms around her stomach and gripping her sides. She often did this when she was unsure, it was a habit she tried very hard to break in N7 training, because it was an obvious gesture. "This is one time when I hope you'll be wrong, but I don't think you will be."

Joker recognized her body language tick and drug himself out of his seat, walking up to be face-to-face with her. "Hey," he put a hand on her upper arm. It was a friendly gesture, and they were close friends, but Shepard added this to her mental file of Joker's odd behaviors of late. "Even if they don't, there's nothing we can't do, no ass we can't kick."

Shepard relaxed her arms and put them to her sides, "I hope you're not wrong on that one, for everyone's sake." She smiled at him, then turned and walked off the bridge.

"Councilor Anderson," Anderson's asari aide poked her head into his office. Anderson groaned quietly in annoyance; she knew not to disturb him in his office unless it was extremely important.

"Yes, Iliana, what is it?" He said, trying to keep the exasperation out of his voice. He was a bit more irritable than normal at the moment because of the stack of paperwork he was trying to work through.

"The _Normandy_ just docked, and Commander Shepard is here and wants to speak with you, sir."

Anderson's head snapped up from his console to look at her. Now _this_ was important indeed. "Shepard's here?"

The asari nodded her blue-violet head, "Yes, sir. She just arrived and I figured you'd want to know right away."

"Yes, yes," Anderson nodded and gestured towards the door. "Please, send her in."

Iliana nodded quickly and walked back down the hall at a brisk pace. Within moments, a welcome and familiar face stepped into his office and rendered a salute.

"Councilor Anderson," Shepard said, the corner of her mouth tugging up into a slight smile.

Anderson got up from his desk and waved her off, "None of that nonsense, Sky." He embraced the legendary woman who stood before him. She didn't look all the worse for the wear; in fact, she looked better than the last time he saw her, which was a few months ago. Then, she had eerie cracks in her skin that glowed neon orange and smelled slightly of ozone, like some cybernetic zombie. Now, her skin was all healed and the gleam had returned to her powder blue eyes. Even her hair looked better this time around; it was fuller and a gleaming, rich golden blonde as opposed to the flat pale yellow he had seen before. He commented on her changed appearance, "It doesn't look like you stood at the gates of hell just two days ago."

"I've had time to shower since then," She quipped, coaxing a chuckle out of her former CO. She continued, "I apologize, but I decided that coming here would have been faster than sending you a message."

Anderson waved a hand in front of him, "No apology necessary, Sky. If I had known you were coming, I would have tracked you down the moment the _Normandy_ docked."

"I see you knew I was alive," Shepard raised an inquisitive eyebrow, "I trust you still have your sources?"

"Of course," Anderson nodded in that all-knowing, sagely manner she knew too well. "I know you're good, but I can't say that I wasn't surprised when I heard you survived, and with all hands, no less."

"It took some doing," Shepard rubbed her pectorals, which were still sore from pushing heavy metal around. "I've got some new scars to show, as well as some evidence that might make the Council re-consider their stance on the Reapers."

Anderson sat back in his high-backed chair and laced his fingers, sighing. "Sky, all the 'evidence' in the world won't convince them, and you know that."

"Well, you're on the Council, make them see reason!" She crossed her arms and legs, knitting her brows. "I have some pretty irrefutable evidence, and I can link the Reapers to the Collector attacks on those human colonies. The scans from my ship don't lie."

"Sky, you don't have to convince me. Give me the files and we'll see, but I can't make any promises." Anderson sighed heavily.

Shepard leaned forward, "I'll have my ship forward our readings to you. There's got to be something you can do," she said, "I can't even count on Cerberus anymore, hell."

This time Anderson raised an eyebrow, "Oh?"

Shepard shook her head, "The Illusive Man wanted me to save the base and kill the Collectors with a radiation pulse instead of destroying it."

"You didn't do it, did you?" Anderson asked, sounding concerned.

"You know me," Shepard said, "Of course I didn't. I destroyed it."

Anderson smiled, "I'm glad to see that your morals are still intact, Commander."

"Indeed," Shepard crossed her arms, "but the Illusive Man wasn't happy about it, and I turned my back on him."

"You don't have Cerberus funding anymore?" Anderson asked, getting a nod in response. "That doesn't bode well."

"I don't have anything, David." Shepard shrugged her shoulders in defeat, "I have a ship, but she's going to run out of fuel eventually. I can't even discount the possibility that the Illusive Man won't try to get _Normandy _back."

Anderson nodded, but didn't say anything. Council support for her mission was out of the question, and he knew that. He wouldn't be able to get her personnel from either the Council or the Alliance, but funding he could do. He wouldn't be very popular for it, but there was an option.

"Shepard," he began, choosing his words carefully, "I can't guarantee Council sponsorship, since Spectres are expected to fund their own operations, but I can authorize some funds for you. It should be enough to last you until you can get something else arranged. "

Shepard looked up from gazing at her boots, "You can do that?"

Anderson nodded, "They won't like it, but I can. Any single member of the Council can authorize up to a certain amount of credits for emergency defense situations."

"But if you do that, doesn't that make the Council look like they might actually be concerned about the Reaper threat?" Shepard said, sounding a bit hesitant. She knew that the Council wouldn't go back on something they'd been preaching for years so easily.

"You're a Spectre, and a human one to boot. What I do with my powers to help you is my own business. Like I said, they won't like it, but I am within my rights as a member of the Council."

"Ah," Shepard grinned, "I see." She knew she could count on Anderson, though she still wasn't sure that the other Council members wouldn't get in the way. On the other hand, she knew next to nothing about how politicians worked, so she decided to leave it alone unless it became a problem. She changed the topic, "Know any good ship painters here?"  
The question caught Anderson a bit off-guard, "Ship painters? You need to re-paint your ship?"

"It's crawling with repair crews right now; we suffered some pretty bad hull damage at the galactic center." She shrugged, "It will need a new coat of paint anyway, but I'm thinking I need to change the colors. Cerberus gold just doesn't do it for me anymore."

Anderson chuckled again, "No, I bet it doesn't. Neither does that, I bet." He gestured towards Shepard's Cerberus fatigues, where the Cerberus symbol was emblazoned in gold on her shoulders.

"Yeah, we're going to have to do something about that, too." She sighed then continued her train of thought. "I was thinking about leaving most of the color scheme intact, only changing the gold to red."

"Red?" Anderson said, listening to her even though he was still concentrating on her paperwork. "I thought blue was your favorite color."

"It is," Shepard said, "Red would make her look more like the original _Normandy_. I also want to put a red and white stripe on the outboard starboard nacelle to give her some N7 flair."

Anderson laughed and shook his head, "Sounds like you've already made up your mind."

"I like it," Shepard said, "So you got any recommendations for me or not?"

"Well," Anderson finished up her paperwork and sent it off before continuing, "There are some guys up here on the Presidium that are supposed to be the best, and I think I might be able to get them to do it for free if I tell them it's for Commander Skylar Shepard. They might want an endorsement, though." He looked at her knowingly.

_Ha._ Shepard thought to herself, shaking her head and rubbing her forehead. In order to get the best price on the gear she bought at the Citadel, she had given her endorsement to every shop on every level of Zakera Ward. Any time one entered the store, her disembodied voice would say, _"I'm Commander Shepard, and this is my favorite store on the Citadel!"_

"Oy vey," she sighed, "Well, what would you expect? Prices here are severely inflated."

Anderson just smiled and looked straight at her, "Nothing less from the bright and personable lieutenant commander I picked to be my XO."

"Oh, so I have you to blame for all the crazy things that have happened in my life since I became the executive officer of the most galactic-affairs-centered ship in the galaxy?" Shepard teased.

"No," Anderson said reasonably, "that person is whoever recommended you for and insisted you go into N7 training. You never would have become _Normandy_'s XO otherwise."

"That was still you!" Shepard exclaimed, but then shifted gears, "Really, I must get back to my ship, I've taken up too much of your time."

He clapped his hands together, "Well, you're all squared away. I will take the liberty of calling your ship painters for you."

Shepard got up out of the chair opposite his desk and bowed her head in gratitude. "Many thanks, Anderson. I owe you one."

Anderson nodded, suddenly seeming very solemn. "Hopefully soon the entire galaxy will owe _you_ one, Skylar."

Shepard returned the heavy nod, but with brighter spirits. "I have a bottle of Serrice ice brandy I'm saving for the occasion, and I intend to open it."

Anderson couldn't help but smile. Shepard always had a way of inspiring hope in her people, even when the cause seemed impossible. As she walked out of his office, he couldn't help but think that the galaxy stood a chance this time around. That one simple sentence Shepard had uttered made him feel that perhaps they would someday be able to savor victory.

Shepard stepped out of the elevator into the CIC and was greeted by Yeoman Chambers.

"You have a new message, Commander." She said in her normal business-like tone, but then dropped the volume of her voice so others wouldn't overhear. "You ought to know that a lot of the crew are getting restless. The rumor is that you dumped Cerberus."

Shepard rubbed her forehead. She had to expect that the word would get around, and she had yet figured out how she was going to bring it up to her crew. Some of them were very loyal to Cerberus, and she didn't want to compromise the mission by risking mutiny. Finally, she sighed and said in the same hushed tone, "Tell the crew I will be addressing them in the next few hours. I need my squad in the briefing room; we have a lot to discuss."

Chambers nodded, short red hair bouncing into her eyes, "I'll get them rounded up for you, ma'am." She bit her lip and continued, "You know, I think that you did the right thing back there."

Shepard raised an eyebrow, "Oh?"  
"Yes," Chambers shook her head and squeezed her eyes shut, "What happened on that station was…horrid. If the Illusive Man and Cerberus have a problem with that, then I say to hell with them." She opened her eyes, which were slightly misty. "I want you to know that I will follow you, Commander."

Shepard put a hand on her arm and squeezed gently, "I appreciate that, Kelly."

Chambers shrugged and wiped a tear that escaped from her left eye, "You are trying to save the galaxy. Cerberus, the Alliance, the Council…they're all fools for not standing with you."

Shepard dropped her hand back down to her side, "I'll be in the briefing room if you need me, Yeoman."

Chambers nodded, "I'll tell your team to meet you there, Commander." She still looked at Shepard, searching her eyes for strength she desperately needed.

"We'll win, Kelly, Shepard doesn't know how to fail." _Normandy_'s helmsman limped around the large ship status console at the center of the CIC towards them.

Shepard raised an eyebrow, "Indeed I don't," she clapped Chambers on the shoulder with her famous half-grin and let her get to work. She gestured for Joker to follow her, "You should probably be in on this, too."

They started towards the Lab, and Joker replied, "Yeah, I figured as much."

"There you go again," Shepard teased and poked him in the ribs, "anticipating my every move."

"Hey!" Joker batted at the offending finger, "That was _not_ cool!"

"Oh, quit your whining." Shepard said as they walked through the Lab's doors. Mordin was at his console, brow knitted over his large, black, almond-shaped eyes in concentration. "Mordin," Shepard got his attention, "briefing room, five minutes."

"Ah, yes." Mordin looked up, "Was anticipating a meeting of this nature; actually, surprised that it took you this long to call it. There must be much to discuss, indeed. This will be done in a matter of minutes, just have to save files, then will be right there, Shepard."

Shepard continued through the exit opposite Mordin's console, "Just don't get your tongue twisted in a knot, Mordin." She quipped and the door closed before Mordin could respond.

"Does he ever shut up?" Joker raised an inquisitive eyebrow at Shepard.

"Not usually," Shepard admitted, "but he does sing."

Joker stopped just short of the door to the briefing room, "Bullshit!"

"Nope," Shepard shook her head and added before she opened the door, "Gilbert and Sullivan, as a matter of fact." The damage in the briefing room was still un-repaired, since she had requested that the hull be fixed as soon as possible. "Watch your head, the wiring is hanging down." She gestured to the dangling electrical and hydraulic lines, "Wouldn't want you to get shocked or have nasty hydraulic fluid drip on you."

Joker cringed at the damage, "How thoughtful of you," he said cheekily before walking cautiously through the door into the briefing room.

Shepard followed him in, holding the wiring out of the way, "Any time." She couldn't help but smile at her snarky pilot. As she watched him perch himself on the end of the briefing room's table to take the weight off his legs, she wondered how he had managed to do everything he had done in his life. It couldn't have been easy for him growing up, especially on the largest military base in Alliance territory. He had once told her that he'd grown up around ships and had been fascinated by them. She was sure that he'd been told more than once that he'd never make it into the Alliance Navy, let alone the helm of a starship. It always made her think about how much determination and drive he must have underneath that rough exterior…how much of a thick skin he had to have developed over the years. Yet here he was, sitting right in front of her and smiling back at her. She'd done many things in her life, but she knew that of all the obstacles she had overcome, they all paled in comparison to the ones Joker had overcome for them to even be in the same room. That thought, more than any other, boggled her mind.

"So what did Anderson have to say?" Joker asked, trying to fill the silence with idle chit-chat.

"He got us some funding for now," Shepard informed him, "looks like we might actually have a fighting chance."

Joker nodded, "Good," was all he said.

_There's that look again,_ Shepard thought to herself. She didn't understand why he held back if he wanted to say something to her. They'd been through so much together that surely he wouldn't have anything to hide.

But when she opened her mouth to ask him what was on his mind, but the door opened and Mordin came through. Despite the fact that the salarian was already in the room, she waited for a heartbeat before breaking eye contact with Joker. "Glad you could join us, Mordin."

"I told you I'd be here in just a few minutes, Shepard, and I kept my word." The salarian said in his typical rapid speech.

Joker turned around, "The Commander tells me you sing Gilbert and Sullivan, I think she's lying." He turned around and winked at Shepard, telling her that he didn't really mean to call her a liar. He knew that she took her personal integrity very seriously. Shepard knew that he just wanted to get a few notes out of Mordin for kicks, so she just grinned back at him before he looked back at Mordin.

Mordin's eyes widened a bit in shock, "But the Commander does not lie, Joker! How silly of you to think she would ever lie to you about such a thing! I would sing for you, but right now there are important matters to talk about, and I will refrain from doing so."

Right as Mordin stopped talking, Miranda and Jacob walked into the briefing room together. Jacob settled next to Mordin, who was on Shepard's left, but Miranda strode quickly to the end of the table opposite Shepard. Immediately, the somewhat light-hearted mood in the room soured.

_Miranda really knows how to light up a room, doesn't she?_ Shepard thought to herself sarcastically. Her executive officer's eyes were about as dark as her black jumpsuit and her arms were crossed tightly against her chest. Shepard couldn't help but sigh a little bit; she thought that Miranda's loyalty had gone beyond the Cerberus uniform she wore. On the other hand, she knew that if any of her crew members would be resistant to their split with Cerberus, it would be Miranda.

Samara and Thane walked into the briefing room, settling on either side of Shepard at the head of the table. Of all her new squad mates, she regarded Thane and Samara as her closest friends among them. Samara's tranquil demeanor always grounded Shepard's sometimes easily-frazzled nerves, and she was always open and willing to discuss anything that was on her mind. Thane was very much the same way. Shepard had been pleasantly surprised by the assassin's take on life, and they had spent much down time comparing philosophies. Thane's confidence in her more than made up for any doubts that had managed to sneak their way into her mind.

Another friend walked through the doorway, instantly recognizable in the purple helmet and bio-suit that were the hallmark of her people. Tali'Zorah was accompanied by Jack, probably the most enigmatic of all the crew members. Sometimes Shepard felt uneasy about keeping someone onboard with as many issues swept under the rug as Jack, but at the same time, she felt that Jack probably needed the stability this mission provided her. Tali stood next to Mordin on Shepard's left side, and Jack took the right side of the table, as far away from Miranda as she could get.

Zaeed came in by himself, his massive, bulky form moving deliberately towards the spot next to Jack. Suddenly, Shepard noticed a small, lithe figure decloak in the far left corner of the room. She wondered how long Kasumi had been standing there, and at what point she'd managed to slip in. Then again, if she knew that, Kasumi wouldn't be the master thief she was.

Next through the door were Chakwas and Legion. The geth bowed its cybernetic head at Shepard and said, "Shepard-Commander," before it took a place on the left side of the table. Chakwas just looked at Shepard in her normal, warm fashion and walked over to the less-crowded right side.

Finally, Garrus slinked in followed by Grunt, who also nodded his huge, blue-violet head at Shepard as he acknowledged her as, "Battlemaster." They both settled in on the right hand side.

"Everyone's here," Miranda started before Shepard could speak.

Shepard pinched the bridge of her nose; this was going to be a _long_ meeting.


	3. Chapter 2: Ghosts of the Past

**Chapter Two**

**Ghosts of the Past**

_I swear, if she starts reaming on Sky I'm going to go crazy on her ass._ Joker thought as he watched Shepard's eyebrows creep up her forehead. She was obviously a bit put off by Miranda's edgy tone. _Rightfully so,_ Joker thought to himself again as he glared over his shoulder at Shepard's first officer. He looked back at Shepard, who took a deep breath, composing herself before she spoke in response.

"Yes," she nodded respectfully at Miranda, then acknowledged everyone else by scanning the room, looking at everyone in turn. "I have called you all here to inform you several changes to the circumstances of our mission. We will no longer be able to rely on Cerberus or the Illusive Man."

Different reactions ensued around the table: Jack nodded and smiled smugly, leaning back and crossing her arms, sending a glare Miranda's way. Miranda's face was blank, probably trying to reconcile the official nature of the news. Tali nodded in satisfaction along with Mordin. Legion's head flaps twitched in a fashion that Joker guessed was out of curiosity. The rest of the crew stayed attentive to whatever Shepard would say next.

"However," Shepard continued, "For now, limited funding for this mission will be provided by the Council, but we will not have their political support." She placed her hands flat on the table and leaned forward, shifting her weight onto them. "We are now free agents, and this ship is under my command as a Spectre until further notice."

Miranda finally spoke, after stewing for a few minutes. "I cannot condone these actions, Shepard." She said, "_Normandy_ is the property of the Lazarus Cell, and frankly, so are _you._"

Joker whipped his head around to look at her again. Did she just say that Shepard was Cerberus's _property_? Really?

Tali was the first to fire back, "Shepard is no one's property. She had no say in the decision you made to bring her back." She pointed a gloved finger at Miranda accusingly, causing Miranda to lean back to a more defensive posture and cross her arms across her chest tightly.

Zaeed growled in his gruff voice, fists curling at his sides, "I can't believe I'm hearing this!"

"She was brought back for the good of the galaxy," Garrus waved a three-taloned hand dismissively, mandibles flaring in indignation, "not to be anyone's personal pet. Frankly, I am offended that anyone would attempt to make such an assumption."

Miranda slammed a hand down on the table, "Cerberus has a lot of resources invested in both Shepard and the _Normandy,_ and we will not let our resources go so easily."

Joker watched Shepard pinch the bridge of her nose again as bickering ensued between the trio, then expanded to include Jack ("Don't you _dare_ pull that Cerberus bullshit on the Commander!"), Grunt ("Shepard is our Battlemaster, we must follow her!"), Jacob ("Miranda, you're being unreasonable again!"), and even Legion ("Shepard-Commander is making a logical decision that will benefit the collective."). He saw Shepard meet his gaze, then those of Samara, Thane, Kasumi, Chakwas, and Mordin before her chest rose in a deep breath.

When she let it out, her powerful command voice resounded throughout the room, "ENOUGH!" The room fell completely silent. Joker was sure that none of them had ever heard Shepard raise her voice: he knew that he never had. "We will _never_ defeat the Reapers if we keep up this crap."

Jacob nodded curtly, eyes a bit wider than normal, "Yes, Ma'am." He faced Miranda, "We have to look beyond Cerberus, Miranda. Do you understand that? This threat is bigger than all of us, than any organization in the galaxy."

Thane nodded, "Jacob is correct, this problem concerns us all."

"This song and dance with Cerberus is the same one that we've already observed with the Council and the Alliance." Garrus shook his fringed head. "Everyone wants it their way, and are willing to risk the lives of everyone in the galaxy to get it."

Shepard finally found some room in the conversation to speak, "This ship is under my flag now, and I will make good on Cerberus's investment. They brought me back to save the galaxy, and that's what I'm going to do." She stood back and addressed everyone in the room, "If any of you have a problem with this, you are welcome to leave. I would hope that with what we've been through, we could trust each other and believe in our mission." Shepard looked pointedly at Miranda, "We _have_ to be in this together; we're a team. If you don't want to be a part of it, I'm not going to make you."

Miranda pursed her lips and looked down, shifting her weight nervously back and forth. Joker figured that she was probably choosing her next words very carefully.

Before Miranda could finish her thought process, Garrus spoke up. "You know that I'll go through hell with you any day, Commander."

Tali nodded in agreement, "I am Tali'Zorah vas Normandy, you are my captain, and I will continue to stand with you."

"My allegiance is yours, Shepard." Samara said with simple grace, nodding towards Shepard in respect.

"I'll always be right behind you, Shep, whether you see me or not." Kasumi's veiled eyes flashed along with her sly smile in Shepard's direction.

"You've gotten us through some serious shit, Shepard." Jack said, "I don't care what the Cheerleader says, you always do right by us."

"Agreed," Mordin chimed in, "no words can express the kind of leader you are, Commander. I have tried many times to put words to your qualities, and every time, I have failed miserably." Joker raised his eyebrows at this comment. _Mordin lost for words? Surely the world _is_ coming to an end!_

Grunt pounded his right fist into the open palm of his left hand, "Your cause allows me to fight and know what it means to be Krogan, Battlemaster!"

"Contracts be damned," Zaeed said, "this is about what's right."

Legion's head flaps moved animatedly as he spoke in his mechanical drone, "Shepard-Commander is a great leader; we will follow to certain destruction if necessary."

Thane turned to Shepard and put a green-scaled hand on her arm, "I will continue to fight until my body goes to the sea, Siha."

Shepard gave Thane a soft smile, and Joker tried to stifle the urge to glare at the drell assassin. _Siha? What the hell is a Siha? More importantly, _why_ the hell is he calling_ _Sky "Siha?"_

Chakwas speaking in her cultured accent broke Joker's train of thought. "You came back for us on the Collector station," she said, a tear coming to her eye, "even if I didn't owe you a great debt, I couldn't imagine being anywhere else but at your side."

Joker suddenly realized that he was the only one in the room besides Miranda who hadn't said something to support Shepard. He couldn't think of what to say, which was ironic because he was sure he cared more about her than anyone else there. Perhaps he should say something meaningful, something that would make an impact. On the other hand, being eloquent was not exactly his forté, nor was it really his style. "Whatever shit goes down, I'll be right here with you, Commander."

Shepard cracked a smile at him, "I always know I can count on you, Joker."

_You bet your gorgeous ass, Commander_. Joker thought to himself, pleased that she had so much confidence in him.

Shepard then looked up to everyone else in the room before settling her gaze on Miranda, "I'm glad I have your support, but I'm also going to need the support of my Executive Officer if this mission is to succeed."

Miranda kept her head bowed for a few tense seconds, but she released a sigh and looked back up to the woman opposite her. "Shepard," she began slowly, "You've done more than we could ever have hoped for. Hell, I've come to regard you as a friend. But Cerberus has been there for me in my darkest hours, I hope you can understand why leaving wouldn't be my first choice."

"It all comes down to where your loyalties lie, Miranda." Shepard crossed her arms and shrugged, "Like I said before, if you want to leave, I won't stop you."

If making that decision was either distressing or difficult to Miranda, Joker couldn't tell. It did appear, though, that she was thinking it over very carefully. Finally, she uncrossed her arms and nodded towards Shepard, "I worked for two years of my life to bring you back. No one else could stop the Reapers, and we knew this. While Cerberus has many credits invested in you, I have my work and time invested in you. If you feel it is necessary to leave Cerberus so you can do what I brought you back to do, so be it."

Shepard nodded respectfully to her first officer, "You made the right choice, Miranda." She turned her attention back to Joker, "Have you talked to the repair crews?"

Joker nodded, "Yes, Ma'am, they're continuing the repairs we started down in the cargo bay as we speak."

"Do they have an estimate on how long the repairs are going to take?" Shepard asked.

This time, Joker didn't know, so he shook his head and shrugged, "They said the damage was pretty extensive and they didn't know for sure, but I told them to have an estimate in to you by the end of the day."

Shepard gave him that grin again, the grin that told him that she was pleased with him, "One more thing, Joker."

"Yes, Commander?" He raised his eyebrows, anticipating her next request.

"Tell them they need to get the QEC and bugs out of here." She said flatly.

Suddenly, EDI appeared on the console on the table, "Shepard, I am not certain that all the Cerberus-installed systems can be removed without damaging the computer mainframe, the AI core, or both."

The commander nodded in understanding, "Understood, EDI, but I would like to make every effort possible to get them out of here."

"Ah, bugs in the lab already taken care of. Took them out when I first got here. Could assist repair crews in removing the rest. Got very good at that kind of work during my time with the Special Tasks Group." Mordin said rapidly.

"I can also look into the quantum-entanglement communicator, Shepard. It is a sophisticated piece of technology, but if there is a way to disable it, I will find it." Tali said, gesturing to the communications console on the briefing room table.

"We will monitor the AI core to ensure the program does not malfunction, Shepard-Commander." Legion added.

Shepard raised an eyebrow, "I'm glad you all are so eager to help get this ship under way again, but also take this opportunity to blow off some steam." She gestured around to everyone, "We've had an intense past few days, I need you all rested and unwound, understood?"

A chorus of "Yes, Ma'ams," sounded around the briefing table, except for Joker. He just exchanged knowing looks with Shepard, for the bond between captain and pilot was a sacred trust: he had to be able to read the tone in her voice, the subtle inflections that gave him critical insight into her thought process. That way, he could anticipate her orders and cut down on extra verbal crap that got in the way in combat. He could approach a target with caution without her telling him to, power up the ships engines just before she called in to have him get her boots out of the fire…it was a symbiosis that had asserted itself before Shepard became _Normandy'_s CO. This phenomenon worked both ways, too; it allowed Shepard to put her full faith in him to get everyone out of the hairiest of situations. In all his life, of all the ships he'd served on, he'd never had that kind of chemistry with a commanding officer. Hell, he'd never had that kind of chemistry with _anyone…_

_Definitely not with a woman like Sky,_ he thought to himself before shaking the thought off.

Apparently satisfied with what had been said, Shepard nodded respectfully to her squad, "I need to make an announcement to the rest of the crew, this meeting is adjourned. You all have your assignments."

Joker slid neatly off the briefing table, loving the fact that he could move more gracefully since receiving his heavy bone weave treatments. Graceful was probably a relative term, but a vast improvement nonetheless. He fell into stride with Sky as they exited the briefing room through the armory, managing a purposeful hobble to keep up with her long stride. The woman wasn't all that tall – maybe 5-foot-6 or so – but even Garrus sometimes had a hard time keeping up with her.

As they passed through the CIC, Yeoman Chambers caught Shepard by the arm and leaned in to whisper something in her ear. Joker tuned his keen hearing to try and pick up the hushed conversation. Out of courtesy he hadn't followed Shepard when Kelly had pulled her away; but he couldn't help but think that if the yeoman wasn't announcing this to Shepard in passing, it must be both personal and important. His ears had been trained to pick up barely audible comm traffic and listen for minute disruptions in the ship's drive core, but even his super-sonic ear couldn't make out Kelly's whispers. He decided to turn his attention to their body language, an area he was considerably weaker in. Then again, there was also that sacred trust between captain and pilot he could fall back on.

Shepard's lips pursed before she slipped the lower one into her mouth and bit down on it, turning it white. She was contemplative and nervous. Her eyebrows knitted together as the corners of her mouth drooped slightly…definitely a sign of displeasure. She grunted softly in tame indignation before she said, "I'll deal with it later. Thank you, Kelly." Sky was pissed, even if her pleasant expression didn't show it.

"Of course, Commander," Chambers said in acknowledgement before returning to her station.

When Sky caught back up to him, Joker prodded her for as much information as she was going to be willing to give. "What was that all about?"

Unfortunately, she wasn't forthcoming. Shaking her head, she said, "Nothing I can't deal with later."

"One more item on the old 'to-do list,' huh?" Joker said, still fishing for more information than he had been given.

Shepard sighed, "Yeah, but I won't be _heartbroken_ if it doesn't get resolved." The tone of her voice shifted slightly, betraying a hint of bitterness.

They finally made their way all the way up to the bridge, and Joker slid into his custom-molded seat. Sky slinked up on his right side, squeezing between the right-hand panel and his chair like she sometimes did. "Patch me through on the intercom, Joker."

He did as she requested, and a whistle sounded throughout the ship, indicating that the CO's comm channel was open.

Before she spoke, she looked at him again. She didn't say anything, but her eyes told him all he needed to know; she was apprehensive. A lot was riding on her crew sticking around…they were going to have their work cut out for them if half the crew walked off the ship. But Joker knew that they owed their lives to her, and he also knew that her concerns were unfounded. This exercise reminded him very much of the speech she had given to her renegade Alliance crew after they stole the old _Normandy_ out from under the Council's nose. She had inspired them to risk mass courts martial to stop Saren, and he had no doubt she could do the same to her Cerberus crew. He communicated this to her silently, and she smiled, letting him know she got the message.

Her voice rang out confidently, clear as an Illium day, _"All hands, this is Commander Shepard."_

From the CIC to the depths of the engineering deck, all paid rapt attention to the sound of her voice. Joker watched as her mind worked, forming the words that would follow in the next few minutes. _Light that fire like I know you can, Sky._

"_You all have done more than I could have ever hoped for, more than a commanding officer should ever ask of her crew."_ She began, voice echoing off the bulkheads throughout the ship. _"But the destruction of the Collectors was only the first step – a battle in the greater war that has yet to be fought."_ Looking back at Joker for moral support, she began to wade into the topic of their separation from Cerberus. _"The Illusive Man and Cerberus brought me back – brought us together – to stop the Reapers. However, I do not have confidence in Cerberus to support us for our mission, for the greater good of the galaxy. The Illusive Man's motivations are unclear, and morally ambiguous. I know that there have been rumors about our separation from Cerberus, and those rumors are true. Even so, I need everyone to stand strong if we are going to fight back the impending Reaper invasion. I understand if you feel apprehensive, and if you do not wish to continue to serve on this vessel, I will not make you. For the next twenty-six hours I will be accepting resignations, and you will be free to leave. You all have been the most outstanding crew I could have had for this mission, and I hope you all make the best decision for yourselves. Shepard out."_

Joker cut the intercom when Shepard gave him the word, and smiled at her. "You did good, Commander."

"Thanks, Joker," Shepard said, sighing and rubbing the back of her neck. "I just hope I don't have to read any resignation letters."

"I have a feeling you won't," Joker said, checking the ship's status on his console out of habit. He felt her hand settle itself on his right shoulder and looked back up at her. A faint smile tugged at the corner of her mouth, telling him that she was grateful for his support. Their eyes met, and for the umpteenth time since he pulled her ass off that Collector station, he wondered, _Do I tell her? _

_Nah._

Without another word, she turned around and left the bridge. Immediately, Joker wrinkled his brow and thought to himself, _Shit, you're a wuss._

As he listened to the echo of her footfalls on the deck grow fainter, EDI popped up on the console to his left. "You will tell her eventually, won't you?"

Joker rolled his eyes and damned the day he told EDI that he cared about his commander in more ways than one. "Yeah, yeah…"

"You cannot keep your feelings in storage forever, Jeff."

_In storage?_ Joker sniggered inside his head. Sometimes EDI didn't get human turns-of-phrase quite right. "Oh? And what's gonna stop me?"

"Unresolved emotional conflicts can be a source of tension, I am only trying to remedy the situation." EDI countered.

Joker sighed, "It's a bit more complicated than that, EDI." Oh, so much more complicated…if only the AI could grasp the emotional battle that had raged in his heart and soul since he fell in love with the commander, then she'd be in a position to talk.

"On the contrary, Jeff, it would make things easier if you just told her."

Joker raised an eyebrow at the AI. He couldn't believe he was having this conversation with the ship…the _ship_! _Gah, leave it to me to talk out my relationship issues with a damned computer…_ "Like you would know," he scoffed.

"In fact," EDI pressed, "I have run several statistical analyses based on empirical observations of your interactions with Shepard, and have concluded that such a confession would most likely not negatively impact your relationship."

"What?" Joker was flabbergasted; how could the _computer_ figure that out? How does one even "analyze" such a thing? Finally, Joker just sighed again and shook his head, "You're still missing the point, EDI." He said, sounding defeated. "It's difficult to just come out and say something like that, it takes some serious balls."

"Are you implying that you don't have balls, Jeff?" EDI asked, then delivered in her usual deadpan manner, "That is a joke."

_The computer is developing a sense of humor, God help me._ "Of course it was," he said scathingly. "Just…let me deal with it, okay, EDI?"

"Very well, Jeff." EDI said, but continued, "I know you still have dreams about her."

This made Joker sit bolt upright in his seat, putting a bit of strain on his spine. "What? Wait, how do you know about that?" He said defensively. For years, he thought that one was _his _burden to bear, and that no one else had any clue…even the ship. _Especially the ship_.

"You talk in your sleep, Jeff." EDI said matter-of-factly, "It happens most often when you've fallen asleep here after a particularly stressful day."

Joker groaned, "Dammit EDI, eavesdropping isn't very polite!"

"You forget that I hear everything, Jeff." EDI pointed out.

"Still, it's none of your damned business," he grunted.

"On the contrary, it is part of my programming to monitor the welfare of the crew. It has been getting worse since leaving the Collector base. I would recommend going to see Doctor Chakwas."

Joker bit his lip. That much was very true. He'd always had nightmares about the destruction of the old _Normandy,_ about losing Sky to the void…but it had been something he'd lived with for years now. The worst of it was behind him anyway, with only a few minor relapses spotting his recent memory. However, it _had_ been getting worse, and it never occurred to him until now that he should seek to resolve the issue. He remembered that day as if it had been yesterday:

"_Mayday, mayday! This is SSV _Normandy_! We have been attacked by an unknown enemy!" Joker transmitted into the vacuum of space. God only knew if anyone was going to receive it before they were blown to space dust. He looked behind him, realizing that the CIC no longer had a roof or a wall on the starboard side. _Shit._ He thought to himself as he ran his hands along the controls. Their responsiveness continued to decline with every conduit that blew and every lurch of the ship. Pretty soon, he'd lose the main gimbals. "Come on, baby, hold together, hold together!" He begged his beloved ship. The last thing he wanted was a main gimbal lock; that would make it impossible to keep the ship from succumbing to the planet's gravity well._

_All of the sudden, he heard the familiar voice of his CO. "Come on, Joker. We have to get out of here!" Skylar Shepard's voice rang through his helmet's comm system. Between the klaxons in his helmet and his own buzzing thought processes, he wasn't surprised that he hadn't heard her come up behind him. Besides, she was an Infiltrator, she managed to do that anyway, without all the noise._

_Joker shook his head fervently, "No! I won't abandon the _Normandy_! I can still save her!" He worked the controls frantically, trying to keep the ship from plummeting into the atmosphere. He couldn't leave her; she was his pride and joy, _his_ ship, _his _baby…_

_Shepard put a sympathetic hand on his shoulder, "The _Normandy_'s lost. Going down with the ship won't change that." She squeezed it with a gloved hand, as any good friend would to console someone for their loss. _

_As much as he didn't want to give the _Normandy_ up, he also wanted to live to fly another day._

_Finally, he relented, "Yeah, okay. Help me up." Then he noticed a red alert message flash on one of the remaining screens. "They're coming around for another attack!" He called out as the _Normandy _was hit again, just behind where the CIC had been. This time, it was the final blow._

_Shepard seized his arm with a strength he wouldn't have expected from a woman. Then again, she was no ordinary woman. "AH! Watch the arm!" He hissed in pain. Not that he blamed her for his discomfort; in fact, he appreciated her sense of urgency._

_As Shepard put his arm around her shoulders and hoisted him up, he looked one last time at the helm. He would miss this ship. Carrying him with both grace and strength, Shepard punched the hatch controls of the bridge escape pod, causing them to open. She unloaded Joker into the pod. From there, Joker could see the hull ripping apart just behind the commander. If he hadn't been wearing his life support helmet and exposed to open space, he reckoned it would have been the worst metallic groaning and creaking sound he would ever hear. Shepard fought the effects of the vacuum as they tried to suck her away from the pod. To his horror, the unknown ship fired again, the weapon's beam coming between the hatch and Shepard, blowing her backwards. "Commander!" Joker cried, watching helpless from his seat in the escape shuttle. She held tightly onto a support beam to keep herself on the ship's hull. It was no use, the ship shaking in its death throes caused her to lose her grip, and she floated off the deck. "Shepard!" Joker called out to her. He watched in terror as she floated further away. _She won't be able to get to the pod,_ he thought._ She's going to close the hatch, isn't she? She better not!_ No sooner had he thought this than an explosion rocked the ship, sending Shepard flying backwards. He didn't remember what came first: her punching the button to close the hatch just before she was violently ejected from the ship, or his lungs screaming, "NO!" as loud as they could._

_He felt the G-forces shove him out of his seat as the escape pod launched. In all of the destruction, he hadn't managed to secure his safety harness. He slid over into the wall, crumpling to the deck. Joker cried out as a sharp pain shot up his left leg, dwarfing the pain he felt soon after in the right one. He fell onto his right shoulder, instantly fracturing his collarbone. The pod jumped to FTL on a pre-programmed escape trajectory, maintaining a stable enough velocity that Joker attempted to get up. The pain in his legs and shoulder, however, was going to make that impossible._

_Joker ripped his helmet off his head and threw it across the shuttle with his good arm, hearing it thwack the opposite wall and roll onto the deck. He let out a yell that was worthy of the fiercest warrior, allowing it to consume him until he felt the sting of tears in his smoke-irritated eyes. "Commander! Shepard! Comman…" he gasped for air, sobbing uncontrollably. With each breath, pain shot across his chest, but it would take more than that for him to stop. "Skylar!" He cried, "My God, Skylar! I'm sorry! I'm so sorry, Skylar!" Exhausted, he lie back down on the deck, feeling his entire being melt into the metal plates below him. His limbs, body, and heart were heavy…his spirit as broken as his legs. He made a fist and pounded at the deck in frustrated rage, screaming as loud as his shuddering breath and worn-out vocal cords would allow. "It's all my fault, Skylar! It's all my Goddamn fault!"_

No, it's not._ His subconscious whispered to him._ You couldn't save her.

If you had gotten your stubborn ass into the pod in the first place, you could have!

But the _Normandy_…I couldn't just leave her!

The ship was gone; you endangered her life for nothing.

No! No, I couldn't…

She could be dead because you wouldn't leave your ship!

Could be dead?

_Joker's train of thought stopped dead in its tracks. Shepard might have survived…maybe, just maybe…_

You fool, she was spaced just above the planet; she'll burn up in the damned atmosphere.

_Joker purged the thought from his mind. He wouldn't entertain the thought that she was dead. She couldn't be. If she was dead, he wouldn't be able to go on. _

_ He loved her too much for her to be gone._

But she did die that day, and worse, they never recovered her body. He knew now why that was, but at the time it killed him. The Alliance had launched a full-scale search and spent weeks hunting her body, but to no avail. It was a search he couldn't participate in because he had been cooped up inside a hospital being treated for multiple breaks and acute decompression sickness. It severely burned his ass that they wouldn't even let him ride along, and he had to spend those days laying in bed with doctors hovering over him.

If that had been the worst day of his life, the day of the funeral was a close second. Skylar had been buried with full military honors in a ceremony on the Citadel with the entire Council in attendance. Droves of people – humans, salarians, asari, turians, quarians, volus, elcor, hanar, drell – came to pay their respects to the first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel and the Council. The surviving crew of the _Normandy_ had been guests of honor, with former CO Councilor Anderson delivering the eulogy. Despite the sheer masses of mourners, none of them, _none of them_, felt as empty, shitty and saddened by her death as he did. As the last one to see her alive, the duty to present the Alliance flag to her parents fell to him. _He_ had been the one who had to look into the glistening eyes of her parents, the one with whom they shared their pain. Captain Hannah Shepard had taken the triangularly-folded flag from his hands and held it close against her chest, sobbing with her head against her husband's shoulder. Admiral Sven Shepard had stood stoic and proud throughout the proceedings, but tears rolled down his face nevertheless. To make it all worse, he had come to see Joker after the funeral to tell him that even though Skylar had given her life for him, they didn't blame him for her death. Joker knew that this was supposed to make him feel better, and on some level he appreciated the sentiment. But on the deepest level, it made him incredibly angry with himself. From that day forward, he blamed himself for her death, and it haunted his memory and subconscious thoughts.

In the months following the attack on the _Normandy_, he spent a great deal of time with Chakwas. He trusted no one else with his health – both physically and mentally. The dreams were vivid, and the flashbacks unbearable. Every night, he could see her float away from him; feel his throat ache as shouted himself hoarse for her. He could see the picture that had been perched atop her empty casket: not that of Skylar Shepard the warrior, but that of Skylar Shepard the woman. She was on a seafaring vessel of some kind, wrapped up in a navy N7 hooded sweatshirt wearing her favorite Oakley sunglasses, blond hair flowing in the sea breeze. Her smile was dazzling, a full-toothed beauty that he'd seen only once before. He could feel the tears roll down his unshaven face, soaking his beard to saturation as he stood over the casket, emblazoned with the prestigious N7 insignia.

Despite his determination to hide it and move on, the Alliance grounded him when these dreams began to take their toll on his performance. It took him a good year to settle himself down, though he would never have dreamed of showing it on the outside. Even then, the mere thought of Skylar was enough to bring him to the brink of relapse. Through it all, Chakwas had supported him. He had even moved to a settlement on Mars, next to the Mars Naval Medical Center, to be closer to her. All the recent close calls with the Collectors, and the looming threat of the Reapers, had brought all these nightmare scenarios back to the forefront. Perhaps EDI was right, maybe he _did_ need to go see Chakwas.

"Alright, Mom," Joker said, trying to keep the deep feelings to himself, "I'll go talk to Chakwas if it'll make your subroutines feel better."

"It is not for me, Jeff, it is for you." EDI pointed out.

_I hate it when she's right._ Joker grumbled to himself.

"Also, I have something that might interest you." EDI shifted gears.

Joker said without paying that much attention, "Yeah, what would that be?"

"Commander Shepard received a personal message less than an hour ago from Alliance Staff Commander Alenko. He is currently on the Citadel." EDI said.

Joker immediately went from disinterested to fully alert. This must have been what Chambers had been telling Sky about. As if things couldn't get any worse…Thane was calling her pet names and now Alenko was suddenly interested in talking. How did he stand a snowball's chance in hell against the Alliance marine ex-boyfriend _and_ a drell assassin who could put a bullet in between anyone's eyes at a thousand meters? "Do I want to know what the message said?" Joker growled.

"He is on the Citadel and wants to speak with her as soon as she has the time," EDI said, "I can only speculate that it has something to do with reconciling their differences."

"No shit, Sherlock." Joker knitted his brows and looked down at the console's readouts. At the moment, he was kicking himself for having the decency to not spy on Shepard and Alenko two years ago. He wasn't sure where the two had even stood before Shepard's death. All he knew was that two years ago the ship scuttlebutt was that they were together, that she had been pissed at him after Horizon, and she was still pissed at him. But if he wanted to estimate the chances of them working things out, he didn't have much to go on.

He drug his ass out of the pilot's seat and lifted up his hat to run his fingers through his hair, "I better go see Chakwas now, sounds like I'm going to need a sedative before this day is done."


	4. Chapter 3: A Heart's Treason

**Chapter Three**

**A Heart's Treason**

_Encoded Transmission Sent – Citadel Operations_

_Systems Alliance Marine Corps_

_From: SCDR Alenko, Kaidan_

_To: Shepard, Skylar L._

_Transmission__Received__ – __CSV_Normandy

_Cerberus Lazarus Cell_

_Decoding Algorithm Epsilon5596 Implemented_

_Message Decoded_

_Sky,_

_I heard that the _Normandy_ docked here a few hours ago. Perhaps since you're in the neighborhood, we could grab a few drinks. There is a lot to talk about._

_I hope you received my last message, and that you aren't too upset about what happened on Horizon. I'm concerned because I haven't heard from you since then. Just…please know that I still love you, despite anything I might have said. I owe you that much._

_All my love,_

_Kaidan_

Skylar Shepard re-read the message at her private computer terminal for what seemed like the nine-hundredth time. She cradled her head in her hands and exhaled long and hard, as if she were preparing for a sparring match.

_I might as well be,_ Shepard thought with a small snort as she got up from her desk. For a minute, she stood in front of the transparent aluminum case that housed her model ship collection and tried some of the calming techniques Samara had taught her. She felt her lungs expand to full capacity before she expelled the used gases slowly and deliberately. Despite her best efforts, her upset brain continued to hurl thoughts around inside her head. These thoughts seemed to literally bounce off the very bone of her skull, causing the dull, throbbing headache that threatened to steal her sanity.

_Ah shit, what's the use?_ Shepard paced down the steps of her cabin and walked past her armor locker towards her bed. Suddenly, the motion of walking drew her into a series of movements that momentarily took over her conscious mind:

_Turn, face the arm that has struck out at you. Block the offending wrist with the left blade of your hand, hammer down on the bicep with your right fist. Use that downward momentum to whip into a devastating backfist to their right temple. Your left hand is back at your chest, ready to deliver a blow to the throat, followed closely by a right-handed punch to the nose. They begin to fall as you lean away and bring your right hand down and up, hammering into the groin. Target neutralized._

Shepard exhaled again, feeling some of the tension slide out of her body from her extremities as she relaxed. God, she needed to fight. Not just with guns and bullets, but a full-on, knock-down, drag-out fight. As an Infiltrator, her concentration made her deadly with a sniper rifle at long and mid-range, but that same honed concentration made for devastating hand-to-hand combat skills. The buzzing thoughts in her head reminded her that it hadn't always been that way, but her training had been good, and her aim even better. N7 training had a habit of pounding out most of anyone's tendency to become distracted.

_Maybe Garrus will be up for a bit of hand-to-hand later, _She thought as she fell back onto her bed, gazing up at the stars, thinly veiled by the bluish glow of the Serpent Nebula. Even that calm glow did nothing for her nerves; it reminded her of the biotic crackle of the man she was most upset with right now.

Kaidan had been an enigma to her ever since they met. He was friendly, gorgeous, and had been all too obvious about his attraction to her. At first, she had found it slightly annoying, and tried her best to separate herself from him. Not to mention there had also been the nagging reminders of protocol that pounded at her conscience, ones instilled in her practically from birth. With not only one, but both parents in the Navy, protocol had been a lifestyle. There were neither hairs out of place nor toes out of line in the Shepard family. Even though her parents had been tough, they were also very fair. Her father had taught her the virtues of patience and compassion, and her mother had taught her to always stand up for what was right, even if she had to stand alone. Shepard counted these as the most valuable lessons she had ever learned…even if the patience aspect was still a bit slow in coming.

But Kaidan was – almost by definition – patient. Patient in battle, patient while hacking a secure system, patient with her…damned patient. He was also very quiet and calm, a stark contrast to her bright and chatty personality. She was a people person, as strange as it seemed given her occupation, but he kept to himself. Even his biotics put her off, and even scared her a bit. There had been a few biotics she remembered from her childhood, mostly crewmen under her the command of one parent or another. She'd even come across some on Jump Zero, but even then, her contact with them had been limited. Biotics, particularly human biotics, tended to stick together in their own club of sorts. They'd play around with their powers, manipulating the physical space around them and glowing an eerie blue as they did so. They'd also turn these powers loose in training exercises with devastating effects. It was a power she neither had nor understood, and in her early training it frightened her that some people had the ability to unleash it. In time, she came to realize the value of having someone by her side that could fight with biotics. Still, the snap of ozone that surrounded someone with biotic powers triggered an involuntary reflex of hesitation and apprehension in her, as Kaidan initially had.

As time went on, however, and she allowed herself to talk to him more, she began to realize that Kaidan was something special. He was humble about his biotic talents, and was gentle and kind, offering advice without much prompting. One time, he warned her against cutting corners, telling her a cautionary tale of his time at BAaT training. That story had piqued her curiosity in him, and she realized that there was more to him than she had initially thought. Before she knew it, regulations against fraternization be damned, she found herself falling for him.

But then, they found themselves on Virmire.

Shepard grabbed fistfuls of her blonde hair by the roots as she recalled the agonizing choice she had to make that day:

_Her chest heaved with the effort of running up to the AA tower. Kaidan and the rest of Kirrahe's men were pinned down there and she had to go save them. But that meant that she'd had to leave Ash down with the nuke as she finished arming it. Even though that had made her uneasy, she knew all she had to do was bring Kaidan back down to the bomb site and get everyone out of there before the fireworks began._

_ Or so she thought._

_ A geth dropship swooped down overhead, prompting Wrex to growl, "Damn, the geth are sending in reinforcements."_

_ As the drop ship sunk down behind them towards the bomb site, Shepard's gut went with it. This was bad…this was very bad._

"Chief!"_ Kaidan called out over the radio to Williams, _"We just spotted a troop ship inbound to your location."

"It's already here,"_ Ash shouted, _"and it's bleeding geth all over the bomb site!"

_ Shepard stopped dead in her tracks and shifted her weight, ready to whip around to go back and get Ash, "Hold on! I'm coming back to get you!"_

"Negative, Commander!" _Ash shot back, _"There's too many, I don't think we can hold them!" _Shepard began to walk back anyway, despite the Chief's protest. _"I'm activating the nuke!"

_She stopped cold again, "What are you doing, Chief?" Her heart started pounding in her throat. No way was she leaving her friend down there._

"Making sure this bomb goes off, no matter what!" _Williams sounded firm in her decision, and Shepard knew that Ash was stubborn enough that she'd never be able to talk her out of it. _"It's done, Commander. Go get the lieutenant and get the hell out of here!"

_She walked over to the nearby ledge, grabbing onto the bar in front of her and leaning onto it. Had she been able to see her hands, the knuckles would have been white with tension._

_ Kaidan came over the radio again, _"Belay that. We can handle ourselves, go back and get Williams." _Shepard massaged her right temple as she listened to the exchange. Each was willing to risk their hide for the other, and she began to get the sinking feeling that she was going to have to choose._

No,_ she stifled the sinking feeling, _there's got to be a way to save them both…

_Damn it, if only she had more _time_…!_

_ But time was something she didn't have. If she went after Kaidan, there'd be no way to get to Ash before the bomb detonated and blew them all out of the sky. If she went after Ash, Kaidan and the rest of Kirrahe's men would be dead before the _Normandy_ got there. It all came down to this, save Ash…or Kaidan._

_ The answer came to her a little too quickly for her taste. She would go back and get Kaidan and what was left of Kirrahe's team._

_ "Alenko, radio Joker and tell him to meet us on the AA tower." Shepard said with a voice she was sure was not her own. Immediately after giving the order, a wave of sickness rushed over her. She knew very well that her feelings for Kaidan had influenced her decision, and Ash would die because of it. Sure, she could disguise it and defend her decision by telling herself that there were more lives than his at stake on that AA tower, but in her heart, she knew…_

_ And it sickened her._

"Yes, Commander," _Kaidan said, stumbling over his words, obviously not knowing what to say. _"I – "

_Ash piped up, sensing Kaidan's distress, _"You know it's the right choice, LT."

If only I had your confidence, Ash,_ Shepard thought, still trying to shake the sickly feeling in her stomach. "I'm sorry Ash," she said, wondering if words would do either of them any good, "I had to make a choice."_

"I understand, Commander." _Ash, bless her heart, said with both sadness and satisfaction in her voice. _"I don't regret a thing."

_Shepard wished to all that was holy she could say the same._

The vision of the nuclear blast on the planet's surface would forever be burned into her mind. The pang of guilt in her heart grew with the billowing mushroom cloud, and she could hardly bear the thought that _emotion_ played a part in her friend's death.

_"Deliver command decisions with conviction, Skylar." _Her father had told her, _"But never, _ever_ let your emotions compromise your judgment."_ Those words echoed throughout her mind for weeks after they left Virmire, a painful reminder, and her punishment for going against her father's advice.

She felt like she had failed her father that day; she had broken his number one rule of command, one that she had adopted. So not only had she failed him, she'd failed herself, as well. Up to that point, she had never even considered her emotions in a command decision, not even during the Skyllian Blitz. She'd rallied the marines on Elysium to hold the line not out of pride, nor out of fear of destruction, but out of need. The defenses _had_ to hold, and Shepard was not about to let them collapse. But on Virmire, there had been that moment where she had considered going back for Ash and choked on her own heart as it leapt into her throat, reminding her that Kaidan would die if she went back. True, it had been the salarians Kaidan was fighting with that had tipped the scales in his favor. On the other hand, her knee-jerk response had been to go after Kaidan even _before_ considering the variable of Kirrahe's men. God damn it, she couldn't have left him to die, and she knew it.

Ever since, she had pretended that it hadn't affected her in that way. Kaidan worked his usual charms, and she gave in to the temptation, allowing the feeling of infatuation to cover up her self-loathing. Eventually, she was able to forget about it temporarily and lose herself in Kaidan's seductive, good-boy qualities. Damn that man, he was incredibly difficult to resist. How she would have been able to resist him the night before their mission on Ilos, she'd never know. It had felt so good to lay in bed with him and fulfill every sexual fantasy she had longed for. She had even come to love him, but she could never quite shake the ghost of Gunnery Chief Ashley Williams. Ash had deserved better from her than that.

Then he'd had the nerve to turn his back on her on Horizon. Not that she had any delusions that Ashley would have been any more pleased, but it was still insulting. Shepard had gone against her own rules to save him on Virmire, and they had been able to continue their relationship because of it. After all she'd done for him, he had gotten mad at her for doing what needed to be done, even if it was with Cerberus. Later, he had sent her a message apologizing for what he said, saying that "When things settle down a little…maybe…I don't know." _He "doesn't know?" All that shit he gave me and all he can say is that he "doesn't know?" _Shepard thought bitterly. Not that Kaidan's message made any difference; by that point, she had given up on him. Now that they were at the Citadel again, he was yet again making peaceful overtures.

_Too fucking late now._

But Shepard couldn't help but read his latest message over and over again. He still loved her…and that knowledge put her between a rock and a hard place. She was insanely pissed at him, but if he loved her…

_Oh yeah, he says "I love you," and that makes it all better._ She thought to herself, getting up out of her bed and shaking those silly thoughts out of her head. The decision had long since been made; she was through with him. After Horizon, she had slammed his picture face-down on her desk so hard that the holographic image no longer flickered to life. It was broken and useless now, just like their love.

She walked towards the door, picking up the broken holo frame as she passed by her desk. On her way out, Shepard tossed it into the trash receptacle by the door. Kaidan's most recent message would go unanswered just like the first. Shepard wasn't about to let emotions get in the way of her decisions again, no matter how much she might still care about him.

As she entered the elevator, she contemplated the control panel, trying to decide where to go. Selecting Deck 3, she sighed in relief as it started to creep down towards the lower decks. Just the act of pitching that damned holo frame did wonders to relieve her stress. She also figured she'd pick up Thane and Garrus and go for a stroll on the Citadel; she had to get off the ship. Being raised on ships made her used to their cramped nature, but occasionally she just got a bit stir-crazy and needed to go roam around and be free. Maybe that was why she ended up a marine after training to be a fighter pilot: confined spaces always got to her eventually.

The elevator slowed to a stop, and the doors opened to reveal the forward hallway and two hallways that snaked around the elevator to the left and right. Shortly after stepping off the elevator, headed towards Life Support, she caught a whiff of something familiar…something comforting.

Something _wonderful_.

Shepard did an about-face and jogged down the starboard hallway towards the mess. The bulkheads opened up to reveal the galley, mess tables, and the hallway leading to the _Normandy'_s main batteries. Sergeant Gardner stood in the kitchen, bent over what she had always assumed to be an oven, smiling gleefully to himself.

"Rupert," She jogged up to Gardner and he straightened up to acknowledge her. He was wearing a pair of oven mitts and a huge grin. "Don't tell me that smell isn't what I think it is!" She said a bit more excitedly than she thought was proper. In this case, however, she didn't give a damn.

"You bet, Commander!" Gardner nodded, still smiling. A small alarm beeped on the oven and Gardner opened it, retrieving a silvery tray from its depths. On the tray were more than a dozen of the most perfect golden brown medallions, speckled with dark brown spots.

Indeed, they were chocolate chip cookies.

Shepard all but squealed in excitement as Gardner set them down on the counter to cool. He reached up into the cabinet above his head and pulled out an identical tray, only this one had little balls of dough perched on it, ready to bake. "Why all the cookies, Rupert?" She asked out of sheer excited curiosity, wondering what she had done to have the gods of fortune and chocolate chip cookies smiling down on her at this moment.

Gardner slid the tray of cookie dough into the oven before he spoke, "Well, they're for you, Ma'am." He shrugged, "These little babies wouldn't have been possible without the provisions you gave me from the Citadel, and I felt like I owed you."

"Owed me?" She asked, pleasantly surprised by Gardner's generosity.

Gardner nodded fervently, "You've gone out of your way for this crew, Commander, not just for me. You saved us all on that damned Collector station. We owe you our lives." He took a spatula out of a drawer and slid it underneath one of the still-piping-hot cookies on the tray. Balancing it on the spatula, he extended the cookie towards her, "Careful, it's still hot."

The corners of Shepard's mouth curled into a small, grateful smile as she carefully took the soft cookie off the spatula. "You didn't have to do this."

Gardner waved a hand dismissively, "Nonsense. There isn't a single person on this crew that wouldn't do what you asked of them."

Shepard waved the cookie under her nose, still not convinced that it could possibly be real. She hadn't had a cookie in…at least a decade, not since she last went back to Earth to see her grandparents in Sweden. "You really think so?" She asked, the same apprehension in her voice as there had been when she had talked to Joker.

"I know so," Gardner said matter-of-factly, "the mess is the best place to pick up scuttlebutt on any ship, you should know that. No one has ever spoken ill of you here, Commander."

Furrowing her brow, Shepard thought about what he said. Somehow, it seemed overly optimistic to her that she had absolutely _no _critics onboard. She definitely knew that Miranda wasn't a fan at the moment. It was then that she realized that her Omni-tool hadn't pinged once since she made her ship-wide announcement six hours ago. She had yet to receive a single resignation letter; perhaps Gardner was right.

Suddenly, it occurred to her that Gardner must have known that chocolate chip cookies were her favorite consumable in the entire galaxy. She cocked an eyebrow at the ship's cook, "How did you know I love chocolate chip cookies?"

Gardner turned pink in the cheeks, "Well, I uh…" he rubbed the back of his neck nervously, "Aw hell, Commander. I looked it up in your files. I wanted to do something for you that showed you how much I appreciated what you did for us."

Shepard grinned her all-toothed grin, the one she reserved for when she was truly happy. She was touched that not only did Gardner want to show his appreciation, but that he'd actually done some digging. It was also a much-needed boost to her morale, more so than Gardner could have known.

"Oh shit, I almost forgot!" Gardner said as he dove back down under the counters, pulling out a glass and plunking it down without looking, still fumbling around in the cabinets. He emerged with a bottle of honest-to-God 2% milk and poured the white liquid colloid into the glass. Holding out a hand, he gestured at the glass of milk, "What are chocolate chip cookies without milk?"

Shepard chuckled and shook her head, "They'd be awfully sad cookies, but tasty all the same." Dunking the cookie she still held in her hand in the glass of milk, she said, "Thank you, Rupert. You have no idea how much I needed this."

"Anything I can do to help, Commander." He said, "I joined Cerberus to make a difference, and if that difference is making my CO happy, then I think I'm doing some good."

Shepard finally took a bite out of her cookie. It was so incredibly tasty…warm, buttery, sweet, and everything she had hoped it would be. The milk was a perfect chaser, washing down the delectable treat and leaving her palate refreshed.

"Just do me a favor, Commander." Gardner leaned in and whispered to her, "Don't tell the rest of the crew…I only had enough for this batch. Plus, I don't want them to start thinking I'm an old softie, you know?"

Shepard just laughed, "Your secret is safe with me, Rupert. I'll take four for the road, just package the rest up and send them up to my cabin."

"Aye, Ma'am." Gardner nodded and gestured to a box in the corner of the galley. "I was planning on doing that with all of them. I didn't anticipate you'd be coming down here."

"The commander is full of surprises," a deep vibrato came from around the corner. Both Shepard and Gardner craned their necks to see Thane Krios stride down the hallway and across the mess towards them. His scales shone brightly in the mellow lighting of the mess, dark eyes slightly widened with curiosity.

"Don't tell me you could smell them," Shepard teased, gesturing with the half-eaten cookie in her hand. She had always thought she possessed superior sight, hearing, and sense of smell, but the drell had already outclassed her in the sight and hearing departments. Somehow it wouldn't surprise her if he could also smell the wafting scent of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies through the bulkheads.

"Indeed I could, Siha." Thane considered the cookie with an intense curiosity Shepard often associated with kittens. "I did not know what the source of it was at the time, of course." She retrieved another cookie from the tray, having an easier time of it than Gardner had with the hot cookie he had handed her. Holding it flat in the palm of her hand, she offered it to Thane, who took it out of what she guessed was politeness. Shepard couldn't help but giggle a bit; obviously Thane had no idea of what to make of the light brown confection he was holding. He turned it over and over in his hands, "Not that I know what it is, of course."

"It's called a cookie," Sky said jovially as she wolfed down the rest of hers and polished off her glass of milk. "They're a traditional human treat. This is a popular variety with chocolate chips."

Even though she attempted to describe it to him, Thane still raised a brow ridge at her, "Chocolate chips?"

"Oh, just try it!" She rolled her eyes, "I can't explain it if you have no frame of reference."

Thane just looked at her blankly, sniffing the cookie. Finally, he nibbled at it, considering its flavor as he chewed on the small bite before swallowing. He raised his brow ridges in surprise, "These are quite good, Siha."

"Of course they are, I like them." She grinned. Of course, she wasn't so self-absorbed to think that just because she liked something, everyone else should as well. Teasing the drell assassin was becoming a favorite past time of hers, and he didn't seem to mind. It had been a long time since he'd spent time with anyone, let alone called them a friend. Sky figured that playful banter had been in short supply as well, and she didn't know about Thane, but _she_ certainly thrived on it. He even returned the gesture at times, proving that not only could he take it, he could also dish it out.

Thane didn't bite this time, however. He just nodded respectfully and said, "You have good taste, Siha, this I never doubted."

_There's that word again,_ Sky thought as she watched Thane take another bite of cookie, _he said he'd tell me what it means, but he hasn't yet…not that I've asked._ Shepard had no doubt in her mind that "Siha" was some sort of drell term of endearment, but of what kind, she wasn't sure. It could be that he thought of her as a sister, or even a daughter figure…_Scratch that, he's not _that_ much older than me._ Shepard refrained from groaning out loud when she thought a bit harder about it. The man hadn't formed _any_ personal connections in the past 10 years, let alone any friendships outside his species, and she had been the first person he'd told about what happened to his late wife. All of that plus an unknown term of endearment led her to one likely conclusion: he was attracted to her.

Of course, she could be wrong, but she had a feeling she wasn't. In a way, she wished that her gut feeling was wrong for once. Not that she didn't like Thane, or didn't think he was attractive…in fact, it was quite the opposite. From the start, they had appreciated one another for their sniping talents. They both preferred the M-97 Viper, a weapon that wasn't normally a sniper's first choice, but it had it where it counts. Shepard always found that if she put in armor-piercing rounds, the Viper's ammo capacity and rapid-fire capability more than made up for what it lacked in ability to hold large, powerful rounds. Even the M-98 Widow – which could down a Krogan Warlord with one headshot – wasn't worth the limited ammo and sore shoulder, in her opinion. She recalled one instance where she picked up the Widow on the way off the ship, and Thane looked at her with what she swore was intense desire. Whether he was looking at her or the gun that way, she couldn't tell, but it was entirely possible that the thought of a human woman being able to carry and fire the M-98 turned him on. But, in all seriousness, they had been able to find common ground very quickly. She never thought that she'd have so much in common with a professional assassin.

What made her hesitate so much with Thane despite their obvious compatibility was, ironically, Kaidan. Now, Shepard didn't have any qualms with moving on with a new man, but she didn't want to make the same mistake again. Thane, like Kaidan, was calm, quiet, patient, and kept to himself. He also had that same biotic spark about him…damn, he reminded her too much of Kaidan for her comfort. The fact that he was dying didn't help matters, but it was a far lesser consideration. To Thane's credit, he wasn't _exactly _like Kaidan, either. Though they were both gentle, kind souls to the core, Thane possessed an air of excitement and danger around him; she seemed to get a miniature adrenaline rush whenever she was around him. Kaidan never inspired that kind of image; he never walked that far on the wild side. Thane was exotic, and so alien that she found him quite sexy…yet, she still held back.

Bottom line, she didn't want to become emotionally compromised ever again. That, more than anything else, made her wary of falling for anyone…even sexy drell assassins.

_It would probably help if you didn't compare every new prospect to Kaidan,_ she gathered up the four cookies that Gardner had put in front of her and cocked her head towards the Main Battery. "Hey Thane, let's grab Garrus and take some time off the ship."

Thane inclined his head towards her, "As you wish, Siha."

"I'll get the rest of these boxed up and sent to your cabin as soon as they're done, Commander." Gardner said, "Have a good time on the Citadel!"

"Thanks, Rupert," Shepard grinned, "While I'm out, I'll get you some more provisions for your trouble."

The Mess Sergeant smiled and nodded to her, "Much appreciated, Commander."

Shepard returned the gesture, "Any time. Carry on, Sergeant."

Gardner saluted her before she and Thane walked away.

She took another cookie from the stack in her left hand, munching away at it as she strode towards the Main Battery. She pushed the holographic key pad on the center of the door and it opened up, revealing the lanky turian on the other side.

Garrus turned around and acknowledged her, "Commander, need me for something?"

Shepard transferred the half-masticated cookie to her cheek before she spoke, "We're going ashore, Garrus, meet me in the CIC in ten." Her words were slightly slurred due to her bulging cheek.

The turian nodded his fringed head to both of them, "Understood, Commander." Then he looked at the stack of cookies in her hand, "What are those?"

"They're called 'cookies,'" Thane offered, "a human delicacy."

Sky snorted a bit with laughter as she swallowed her cookie. _They're delicious, but hardly considered a delicacy._

Garrus looked slightly disappointed, "Probably not dextro-DNA compatible, huh?" Both Thane and Shepard shook their heads in unison, "Shame. Anyway, I'll see you up there shortly Commander," He nodded to Thane in acknowledgement, "Krios."

"Oh, and Garrus?" Shepard said before Garrus could turn around, pointing at the marred collar of his armor, "We need to get you some armor that doesn't look like Grunt tried to eat it."

Garrus flared his mandibles in amusement, "Aw, but I liked this armor," he relented his faux complaining when Shepard gave him a less-than-amused look. "Fine, Commander, I'll finish up these calibrations and see you in ten minutes."

Shepard waved at Garrus as she and Thane turned around and walked back down the hallway. Thane turned his head to her, "Any particular reason you wanted to leave the ship, Siha?"

She shrugged, "Got a bit of cabin fever, that's all." As soon as she said it, she knew that Thane wouldn't get the reference, as his raised brow confirmed. "I just need to get out in the open, go somewhere other than here."

"Ah, I see," Thane nodded, "I've been meaning to go do some browsing of my own, it will be good to stretch my legs."

When they arrived at the deck's main junction, Shepard turned towards the elevator. "I've got to go put on my armor," she said, gesturing with her thumb at the elevator.

"I'll take the opportunity to collect my rifle and pistol," Thane said before he reached out, unexpectedly, to touch her right upper arm. He ran his hand down her arm, past her elbow and forearm, clasping her hand in his own. She looked down at their hands; hers flat and limp, his closed around hers. His skin was surprisingly smooth…for some reason she had expected it to be rough and scaly like a lizard's, instead it was slick and soft like that of a frog. It was so alien, but the warmth was comforting. Closing her hand around his, she squeezed it lightly, looking up at his face with a hint of surprise. He looked back at her with those large, intensely dark eyes, and all of the sudden, she had a major feeling of déjà-vu. Though she couldn't quite figure out what was causing it, she shook the feeling off, attributing it to the butterflies in her stomach and the heat building up on the back of her neck.

Letting go of Thane's hand, she said, "I'll see you in the CIC."

Thane smiled softly, "Of course, Siha." Then he turned and walked away towards Life Support.

_Crazy,_ Shepard thought as she walked into the elevator once again, wrapping her arms around her torso and grasping her sides as soon as the doors closed behind her.


	5. Chapter 4: Beyond All Reason

_Thanks for reading, everyone! It makes me so happy to know that you all like the story. Special thanks to Introjection, for her support since the Prologue and for her amazing constructive criticism. Be sure to check out Tiger By My Side, Introjection's FemShep and Joker story. It's well worth the read!_

**Chapter Four**

**Beyond All Reason**

Joker stood outside the door to the Medical Bay, contemplating the holographic door controls in front of him. A large part of him didn't want to walk in there and tell Chakwas that the dreams were back. In fact, he didn't want to acknowledge that there was a problem at all. For most of his life, he'd been cast aside and deemed useless for his condition in a society where almost all diseases and genetic conditions had been eradicated. Over the years, he had developed a large chip on his shoulder, determined to show everyone that his disease was a non-issue. As far as he was concerned, there was no problem. Anything that came up that might de-rail him was similarly swept under the proverbial rug.

There were, however, two events in his life that had been too big for him to just shrug off. Those events were the deaths of the two people who had meant the most to him: his mother, and Commander Shepard.

His mom's death had come first, shortly after Joker was first assigned to the _Normandy_. He had just received the news that Captain Anderson had selected him to pilot the most advanced starship in the Alliance Navy when tragedy struck. It had been a freak accident: a small container of highly volatile material in the lab his mother was working in exploded, injuring a few and killing the two contractors who had been in the immediate vicinity. Celine Moreau had just been walking past when a stray spark ignited the canister, sending shrapnel across the room. She had survived the initial explosion, whereas her colleague had died instantly in the blast, and was rushed to the Arcturus Station Military Hospital with multiple lacerations and severe burns. Since he was on Acturus Station between assignments, he had been able to get to the hospital before she succumbed to her wounds.

Those final moments had been intensely painful. His mother, who was the strongest person he knew, lay on a bed connected to various machines…an invalid destined to die. Her last words to him were those of congratulations on his assignment to the _Normandy,_ because that's where she knew he belonged, and a verse from a lullaby she used to sing to him when he was little:

_"Vole, vole, petite aile, ma douce, mon hirondelle. Va t'en loin, va t'en sereine. Qu'ici rien ne te retienne."_

Celine Moreau had raised him by herself; Joker never knew his father, who had left before he was even born. As a baby, his mother had spoken to him both in standard Alliance English and in her native French. Before becoming an Alliance contractor, she'd been raised in Montréal, in what was then called Canada. Though Joker was listed as bilingual in his files, he hardly ever spoke French. He had no reason to, for the only person he ever spoke it to was his mother, and even then, it was often a case of her speaking to him in French and him replying back in English. It was definitely a language that he associated solely with his mom, words that could still soothe his most frayed nerves. Often, when he'd come home from a particularly rough day at school, his mother would offer her encouragement and tell him not to listen to the kids who teased him. These exchanges occurred in French, the softer dialect helping him to calm down. His mother never raised her voice, and was always gentle and kind; yet, she pushed him to not let his disability be an excuse.

Joker remembered one day, while looking out the window of their small apartment and watching the ships fly by, he finally voiced his desire to fly to his mother. He had been about eight years old or so, but even at such a young age his negative experiences due to his Vrolik's Syndrome had tempered his excitement. Despite her son's uncertainty, she already knew how intense his desire to fly was. That hadn't been the first time he'd stared longingly out the window by a long shot. She had come over to the couch from which Joker would watch the ships, sat beside him and told him that he could do anything, but he'd have to work for it. From that day forward, Joker worked with dedication and fought against obstacles with unrivaled tenacity. His mother provided him background support through the entire process, from recruiters telling him there was no way in hell he'd make it through basic to getting all the waivers he needed to get into the Academy and undergraduate flight training. The relationship he had with her was vastly different from any other; he didn't need his carefully-erected barrier of sarcasm and wit around her. While he had to charm others to get them to accept him, or defend himself with a stinger or two, his mother loved him unconditionally. The face he showed to the rest of the world was vastly different to the one he was comfortable showing his mother. More importantly than that, she always _believed_ in him, even when no one else did…which was more often than not.

Though her death left an enormous hole in his heart that bothered him immensely, he knew that his mother wouldn't have wanted him to let her death slow the incredible progress he had made in his career. He felt like he owed it to her to carry on; it was the least he could do for all the love and support she had given him as a child. After a few psych evaluations, he was cleared to fly again, and his assignment to the _Normandy_ was neither changed nor delayed. However, though he knew Captain Anderson believed in him, his commanding officer definitely didn't understand him on the same level. He valued Joker's ability to fly and do the impossible, and that was all.

Then he met Lieutenant Commander Skylar Shepard.

He had fully expected Anderson's Executive Officer to be as apprehensive about him as almost every other higher-ranking officer that had been appointed above him throughout his career. These by-the-book busybodies would skim through the crew dossiers and his Vrolik's syndrome would stick out like a sore, bleeding thumb, prompting a long string of questions about his qualifications. It happened without fail on every assignment; apparently it wasn't good enough to them that he graduated top of his class in flight school. Shepard had approached him on the bridge of the SR1 and casually asked him about how the _Normandy_ was performing. He'd been quick to point out that a lesser pilot wouldn't have been able to handle her. When she asked about him specifically, bringing up the subject just as casually, he saw right through that guise…or so he thought. That was the way the barrage of questions would start, after all; just a "Hey Lieutenant, I just wanted to get to know you better," then _bam_, the interrogation would begin. He immediately jumped down her throat, assuming that she'd done a background check, and proceeded to tell her that none of his commendations or his rank in flight school was given to him out of charity. The eyebrow quirk from Shepard that resulted confused him. His confusion was settled when she quickly apologized, saying that she hadn't meant to make him feel uncomfortable. It struck him that she hadn't done any reading into his files whatsoever, and was probably not even aware of his condition. He felt like a royal ass and immediately regretted putting her on the spot like that; she'd deserved better from him. Though impressed that she would ask about him out of genuine interest, he still kept his barrier up at full strength. She followed up with questions just out of pure curiosity, and he replied to each one with his usual dry wit. When he thought about the exchange some time after Shepard had left, he remembered thinking that he'd probably been quite the asshole. Not that he minded being known as an asshole for the most part…but something about that particular interaction with Shepard bothered him. She had actually tried to be friendly and he had shot her down, so to speak. He felt compelled to apologize to her, and had the opportunity sooner than he expected when he went down to the mess for dinner that evening:

"_Is anyone sitting here?" The sound of any voice, let alone that of a female, startled Joker, especially since he hadn't heard anyone approach the table. He looked up and saw Commander Shepard holding a meal tray. She cocked her head to the side inquisitively, awaiting his response._

_Joker was a bit taken aback; he usually took his meals in solitude, and no one ever asked to join him. Not that he minded, since most people annoyed him anyway. This quiet corner of the mess was his secondary haven, the first being the bridge. Some days he preferred the mess, because no one would come up to ask him for a status report here. If it had been anyone else, he would have declined the offer. But Shepard was different…not to mention he felt he owed her an apology._

"_No, not at all," he said, gesturing to the seat in front of him with his fork. Shepard took the seat and set her tray down. "So, Commander, do you make a habit of sneaking up on people?"_

_As soon as he said it, he mentally kicked himself for being an ass again. He could have said something like, "You startled me a bit," or "I didn't hear you walk over here," but no, he had to turn it into something condescending. _Gah, why does it matter so much?_ He thought before answering his own question, _Because you've already been an ass to her today, dipshit.

_To his relief, Shepard just chuckled, "Not on purpose, no." She admitted, "It tends to happen when you're trained to grant death swiftly and silently."_

That's right_, Joker thought to himself, tapping into his memory,_ she's an Infiltrator. _"Well, then I guess light footfalls come with the territory."_

"_Indeed they do," Shepard raised her glass of water to her lips and took a large gulp._

_Joker poked at the mushrooms – at least he was pretty sure they were mushrooms – on his tray with is fork. Apologies didn't come easily to him, especially when he knew that they were necessary. Finally, taking advantage of the fact that Shepard had a mouth full of noodles, he said, "Look, Commander, about earlier this afternoon…" he trailed off, having difficulty with what he should say._

_Shepard swallowed and shrugged, "What about it?"_

_He bit the inside of his cheek, "Well, I just feel like I was a bit of an ass, that's all."_

_Shepard waved a hand at him, "No apology is necessary, Joker." She got a funny look on her face, "Do you even like being called Joker? I can just call you 'Lieutenant,' or something else, if you'd like."_

_Joker sat and blinked at her in surprise. Not only had she been cool with their earlier conversation, she cared enough to ask him if he even liked his nickname or not. It baffled him that she'd care so much; _nobody_ cared that much about him. "Nah, Joker's just fine," he assured her, "it's my callsign, I'm pretty used to it. I kind of even like it."_

_Shepard nodded in understanding, twirling more fettuccine onto her fork, "I understand the whole callsign bit; mine was 'Tiger.'" Before he could ask, she quickly added, "I'll let you figure that one out."_

_ "So, you're a pilot?" Joker asked, figuring that question would be safe enough._

_ She nodded, holding up her fork and allowing a few alfredo-covered noodles to fall off of it, "I was."_

_ Joker was now very curious. Flying and blowing shit up from the ground were two totally different arts. "How did you end up a ground-pounder?"_

_ Shepard shrugged, "I was good at flying, but not as good as I was with a rifle. Took me a while to realize it, though." She sighed and downed the mass of food on her fork before continuing, "Long story short, I had just finished up undergraduate fighter training and started my tour on the _Oppenheimer_ when my T-66 malfunctioned and I crashed on a moon in the Skyllian Verge. Unbeknownst to the squadron, a group of batarian pirates had an operation there and didn't much like the fact that I had shown up. I defended myself and my plane until a cruiser arrived to pick me up. The executive officer was impressed by my skills in guerilla tactics and suggested that the marines needed more people like me. He said I could make more of a difference there. Since I joined the military to make a difference, I decided to listen to him and cross-trained to Marine Special Forces. I discovered for myself how right he was during the Blitz; after that he recommended me for N7 training. My career would have been very different if it hadn't been for him."_

_ "Let me guess," Joker smiled knowingly at her, "Anderson?"_

_ "The same," Shepard grinned and rested an elbow on the table, propping her head up with the back of her hand against the bottom of her chin. Joker watched as her ice blue eyes searched his face; she was evaluating him, and not in a purely professional sense. "I like you, Joker." What she said sounded simple enough, but to Joker it packed a punch. No one, not one person, had actually come out and said that they actually _liked_ him before. Sure, he'd had at least a few friends, but none of them were as candid with him as Shepard had just been. It blew his mind that despite his being an ass, which usually drove people away as intended, he hadn't managed to drive her away. That, coupled with the fact that she seemed to be genuinely interested in him as a person, dramatically increased his respect for her. "We'll get along just fine," Shepard smiled and attacked her plate full of what was passing for fettuccine alfredo once again._

_ Still stunned, Joker managed to string together a few words, "Well, that's a good thing."_

That's how it all began. If it ever happened that he and the commander were in the mess at the same time, he'd let her sit across from him if she so wished. Sometimes they'd chat, sometimes they'd leave each other in a comfortable silence. She seemed to have an uncanny ability to tell when he was more interested in her presence than in any kind of conversation. When he was in the mood to talk, her previous flight experience allowed them to speak the same language, one that nobody else on the ship understood. These shared meals happened fairly rarely, but after the third or fourth time it happened, his respect for her started to evolve into something else. He'd catch himself examining unimportant things like her hair, the length of her eyelashes, the barely noticeable freckles on the bridge of her nose, the scar just beneath her left earlobe, and what appeared to be flecks of silver in her irises.

Eventually, he started to watch her from afar and appreciate her more feminine qualities. Every curve was in just the right place, and she moved with purpose and confidence. One day, while on the bridge monitoring the _Normandy'_s systems, he heard her voice back in the CIC, and he turned his head to see what she was up to. She was standing with Pressley, pouring over some star charts, and it hit him: _God, she's beautiful._ Any old idiot with a pair of eyes could tell that she was pretty, of course, but without him realizing it, she'd pulled him in. In that moment, that span of a few seconds, time slowed to a crawl and his body ached with longing. He snapped out of it as soon as Shepard looked up in the direction of the bridge. Even though he doubted she would have been able to tell that he'd been staring at her from that distance, he whipped his head around back to the helm consoles, just in case.

Everything about that particular incident had confused the shit out of him at the time. Sure, he'd been known to take a stealthy look-see at female crew members, two or three if she was particularly attractive. Those female crew members, however, had never gone out of their way to get to know him better. While he was far from a social animal, he appreciated Shepard's company even though he constantly asked himself why in the world she'd take an interest in him. Initially, he brushed it off as lust. After all, if it were anything more, he could have a potential mess on his hands; Alliance military protocols strictly prohibited any kind of intimate fraternization within the chain of command. Lust, however, didn't explain the knot in his stomach when Shepard confronted Matriarch Benezia and her commandos on Peak 15. It also didn't explain the pang of jealousy that stabbed through his chest when he saw her and Lieutenant Alenko carrying on playfully on the crew deck. He knew very well that it wasn't rational, and that it was all so damned _stupid_…but, beyond all reason, he'd fallen for her.

By the time he realized that his supposed passing infatuation was really a deep attraction, Alenko had already put the moves on her. Damn it, how could he have even competed with that guy in the first place? Staff Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko was the very definition of tall, dark and handsome: black hair, chestnut colored eyes, tanned skin, toned muscles, and biotic powers to boot. On some level, he understood that Sky wasn't skin deep, but at the same time, he felt she could do so much better than him. Alenko was definitely what he'd consider "better."

When he thought she deserved better than him, he meant it exactly that way. He didn't really think of it as her being out of his league necessarily, but as her needing someone who could better support the kind of relationship she deserved. Because of his Vrolik's Syndrome, he hadn't been nearly as lucky with the ladies as he might have been otherwise, but he managed. The five years previous to his posting on the SR1, on the other hand, had found him totally shut off to the possibility of romance. It wasn't one particular girl who broke him, but a string of manipulative, crazy, and deceptive bitches…each one worse than the last. There had even been a few who just wanted to baby him because of his disease, and those were almost worse than the ones who lied. They left him completely exhausted, and he severely doubted if he had it in him to give the right girl what she really needed…if she ever came along at all.

Skylar was completely different; she was a true woman. She was self-sufficient, successful, dangerous, powerful, and had the looks to tie it all together into one sexy package that redefined the very word. That part of her made him want to take her in his arms and be with her forever. Her genuine concern about people and doing the right thing the right way, the fire in her eyes that drove turians, quarians, asari, and even krogan to follow her, made him realize that he could never give her what she needed in a man.

Perhaps it was inevitable that she'd fall in love with Alenko. They were like the poster characters for some deep space opera, where they set out to defeat the ultimate evil and the dashingly handsome man successfully woos the beautiful heroine. Unfortunately, the part of the dashingly handsome man was never written as an emotionally closed-off guy with brittle bones. So, when the ship scuttlebutt that Alenko had moved in for the kill with Shepard reached the bridge, he wasn't surprised. But damn, it hurt. His only defense was to lock it all inside and seal away his love for Shepard, as he had locked up the grief of his mother's passing. He had no choice but to hide it, hoping that maybe his feelings would subside in time. In the meantime, he would put on his same goofy face and pretend that nothing was wrong. No one would know; no one _could_ know.

Suppressing his feelings, though, had the opposite effect of what he'd hoped for. It was as if the more he tried to deny it, the deeper he dug the proverbial hole. Still, out of necessity – even as he watched her float away from him, never to return – he kept it to himself.

For the past two years it had been the perfect bluff…until now.

Sure, the façade had taken a beating when Shepard died, but he'd managed to keep the most intense mourning to himself, crying only at her funeral and in private. He didn't speak of his feelings for her to anyone, not even Chakwas.

Now that the nightmares were back, he felt like he had no choice but to tell the Doctor about it. There was no doubt in his mind that these nightmares were a manifestation of not only his guilt over her death, but of losing the woman he loved as well.

With a heavy sigh, he finally activated the controls on the door.

Doctor Chakwas straightened up in her chair and turned it away from her computer terminal when she heard him hobble in. "Jeff!" She beamed, obviously very pleased to see him, "Please, come in."

"Hey Doc," Joker smiled at her. He regretted not coming down to see Chakwas more often, but he knew that she understood if he didn't want to make special trips. Perching himself on a biobed, he felt uneasy about telling her about his recent relapse. He knew that she wouldn't judge him for it, but it still made him uncomfortable to admit that he had a problem. "How've you been?" He said, trying to ease himself into the conversation with a few pleasantries.

"I've been rather well, thank you for asking." Chakwas said brightly, "After a few days on the ship, I've settled down a bit."

Joker bit his lip. Surely Chakwas had to have been shaken up after the crew's abduction by the Collectors, and he felt partially responsible. "I'm sorry you had to go through that."

Chakwas shook her head fervently, pursing her lips, "You did everything in your power, Jeff. Then you and Skylar wasted no time in coming to get us, as I knew you would." She cocked her silver-haired head to the side, "I have a feeling, though, that you didn't come down here to talk about Collectors."

It was true that Chakwas knew that Joker rarely made it down to the Medical Bay for anything other than his routine physical or something of a greater importance. Joker suspected that she already knew it had to do with the latter, instead of being a casual visit. "Yeah, funny thing about Collectors…" he started off pretty hesitantly, "they can give you wicked nightmares."

One of Chakwas's eyebrows shot up in concern, "Are you having nightmares again?" She got up from her desk and began to fish around in the cabinets for her instruments.

"Yeah, I am," Joker nodded as she began to fuss over him, taking his pulse and blood pressure.

"Are they the same ones, or are they different?" She asked while she examined her newly collected data.

"The same, non-sensical flashbacks just like last time…the destruction of the _Normandy._" Joker said, a bit relieved that Chakwas had stopped taking her frantic readings.

"Tell me everything about them, Jeff, content, frequency, _everything._" Chakwas stood beside him and put a hand on his shoulder, encouraging him to tell her what she wanted to know.

Joker shrugged, "They started up about a week ago, just after you and the crew was abducted. It would start like all the others, on the bridge of the old _Normandy_, after the Collectors attacked." Digging his knuckles into his eyes as he began to recount the old dream sequence, "It starts and ends the same way every time. The dead surround me; no one alive except for Shepard. She carries me to the escape pod, and I see her ejected from the ship out into space…over, and over, and over again. Then I'm at the funeral, walking up to her parents with the Alliance flag. Everyone blames me for her death, telling me that I killed her, that I should be dead instead of her. Captain Anderson, Lieutenant Alenko, Chief Williams, Doctor T'Soni, Garrus, Wrex…they all say something different, but they all blame me. When I get to where her parents are standing, they're not there anymore…instead, she's there. She's in her pressure suit, and her voice is raspy as she tells me, 'you killed me, Joker, I came to save you and you killed me.' Then she takes off her helmet and I see not her face, but that of a husk, and I scream. I don't know if I really scream, but in the dream I do. After that, it ends and I wake up in a cold sweat, heart racing like crazy." He rubbed his face in his palms as he continued, "It happens most often when I fall asleep on the bridge, or if I fall asleep when I'm stressed. Since we got off the Collector Station, though, it's been happening more frequently and the dreams have become more vivid."

Chakwas nodded, "Just like last time," she echoed his previous statement. "Are they as bad as they were just after Shepard's death?"

"Just about, and they're getting worse." Joker groaned, rubbing his temples in frustration.

"Well," Chakwas sighed, "we know that the old nightmares occurred because you felt responsible for her death, and that is definitely still bothering you. My guess is that the Collectors boarding the ship and Shepard's close calls on the Collector Station have started them back up again." She rubbed her chin and started to pace in a small area by his biobed. "On the other hand, we're out of danger for now, so I don't see why they would continue to escalate in intensity. I guess the stress of knowing the Reapers are coming could have something to do with it." Chakwas hypothesized, but shrugged her shoulders in defeat. "I can look into other possible explanations, but that is all I can give you for now, I'm afraid."

_That's not all of it,_ Joker thought to himself. Though he debated furiously with himself over whether or not to reveal his feelings about Shepard to Chakwas, he knew that he had to tell her if he wanted to keep these nightmares at bay. He couldn't afford to lose his combat effectiveness, especially now.

_To hell with it,_ "Doc, I haven't been totally forthcoming on this one." Chakwas raised an interested eyebrow at this statement, "Not even when I first started having these nightmares two years ago."

Even though Chakwas looked interested, she also looked deeply concerned. "Go on, Jeff, please. I need to know everything so I can help you."

Hell, if he could tell EDI, he could tell the physician who he had entrusted with his sanity for the past two years. "I, uh…I really care about Skylar," he said, fumbling with his words, "I care about her a great deal, more than I've let on."

Chakwas took a couple steps toward him and her jaw dropped slightly as what he had said dawned on her. The word "stunned" didn't do the expression on her face justice. "Jeff, this is huge," she finally managed to say. "This adds a dimension to this issue that cannot be ignored."

"Yeah, I know," Joker grumbled, "I should have told you sooner."

"_Much_ sooner," Chakwas corrected, "two years ago would have been nice." Though a bit miffed at him for concealing this fact, her eyes lit up as if a light bulb had been switched on behind them. "Though, given your personality and history, I can't say I blame you for hiding it." Joker couldn't help but notice that her voice went up in pitch slightly, meaning that she could have just had an epiphany. "You never told anyone?"

"Well," Joker rubbed the back of his neck, a bit embarrassed, "no, if you count EDI."

Chakwas rolled her eyes, "If it had to be anyone, I figured it would be the ship's computer."

"I would like to note that I was aware of Jeff's attraction to Commander Shepard before he told me." EDI's holographic image popped out of the terminal by the door.

"EDI!" Joker exclaimed, "You know, you're awesome and all, but you really need to learn when to butt out!" He glared at the AI and continued, "Besides, how in hell did you figure that out?"

"In every interaction you have with Shepard, I have noticed the subtle physiological signs of attraction. The sensors in your chair do not lie, Jeff." EDI said, leaving no room for interpretation.

Jeff gave the holographic image the best look of disdain he could manage, "For a computer, you're quite the busybody."

Chakwas looked quite amused at this exchange. When she stopped grinning and she put on a more serious face, failing as she said teasingly, "Love…that just doesn't sound like you, Jeff."

"Hey, hey!" Joker exclaimed, "I never said that word!" Chakwas crossed her arms at him and stared him down. Love was an emotion he had very little familiarity with, and he didn't much care if he became more familiar with it or not. But he couldn't deny that what he was feeling could very well be love. What else could it be? He definitely wasn't suffering nightmares on account of a passing infatuation…"Well, I'm human and capable of experiencing those inconvenient things known as emotions, so shoot me." Joker glared at Chakwas even though he knew that she was only trying to be good-natured. "And yeah, Sky is more than a pretty face to me. She actually gives a shit, you know?" He fidgeted with the bill of his cap as he admitted, "I guess you could say I love her."

Chakwas held up her hands in a truce gesture, "Look, Jeff, I'm not judging you and I understand why she would mean so much to you. You haven't been this close to anyone besides your mother. I think it's a good thing."

Joker shook his head, "I guess so, but I'm not sure why I'd develop these kinds of feelings. It's beyond all reason, it doesn't make sense."

Chakwas nodded, "It all makes perfect sense, Jeff. It's obvious to me that you needed to fill an emotional gap after your mother passed away. Shepard took an interest in you, a friendship developed, and your feelings for her became something more. The most genuine feelings tend to develop that way."

Groaning again, Joker damned Freud, Adler, and all those so-called psycho-geniuses who had published their numerous theories and ideas about the human condition. He was pretty sure that all of that stuff existed for the sole purpose of making his life difficult. Besides, since Chakwas was thoroughly trained in the psychological disciplines due to her position as Chief Medical Officer, he'd felt like he'd had enough couch discussions to last a lifetime. All this talk of emotional needs and mothers and friendships were beginning to make his head hurt. "Yeah, I get it, spare me the psychobabble. Can I get a sedative? I need something that'll knock my ass out tonight."

Chakwas snorted a little bit, "I'll give you the old sleeping pills, but not the sedative. We still need you to be sharp."

Joker rolled his eyes, "Fine."

The Doctor went over to her cabinets and sorted through a few bottles before laying a hand on the one she wanted, "I know you don't want another couch session at the moment, but I do want you to consider something."

"And what would that be?" Joker said, trying to sound as disinterested as possible. He laced his fingers and propped his head up with his elbows resting on his thighs.

As Chakwas walked back over to Joker, she offered up the bottle of sleeping pills. "Perhaps it would be a good idea to tell her how you feel."

Immediately, Joker snapped his head in the direction of EDI's still-present holographic orb. "You got to her, didn't you?" He said indignantly as he jabbed his thumb in Chakwas's direction.

"Doctor Chakwas has merely come to the same conclusion as I have, Jeff." EDI said, stating it as matter-of-factly as she would if she were telling him Earth's sky was blue.

Chakwas nodded in agreement, "My hypothesis would be that these dreams are getting worse not just because you're becoming increasingly afraid of losing her, but also because you regret not telling her how you felt in the first place. Now, she could very well die again, and you would have still hidden it from her."

At first, Joker cocked an eyebrow and wondered if he had heard Chakwas correctly. As he thought about it, though, what she said started to make sense. A part of him had always regretted not telling her how he felt, and that he'd never get the chance to tell her ever again. Then, beyond all his wildest dreams, she'd come back from the dead and he had a second chance. He knew that if he blew it this time, and she died again still not knowing how he felt, he'd never forgive himself.

Despite all that, he couldn't get the thoughts of Commander Alenko's message and Thane's apparent interest in her out of his head. Why would he set himself up for humiliation and failure by telling her? Sure, he had no doubt that she'd be humane and let him down gently, but he still didn't want to be let down. Either way, it would be depressing, and he'd rather keep his pain to himself, as he always had.

Shaking his head, Joker looked back up at Chakwas and said, "No, that's not an option, Doc."

Now it was Chakwas's turn to raise an eyebrow, "Why is that?"

"I don't know if you've noticed, but Sky can pretty much get any man she wants, and I'm not what many would think of as relationship material." Joker scoffed.

"True, you've got some rough edges," Chakwas sat down next to him on the biobed and shrugged, "and Commander Shepard is a remarkable woman. But, you never know what will happen. Who knows? Maybe she'll surprise you."

"Right," Joker said, still a bit dubious. Shaking the bottle of pills in his hand, hearing them rattle against the plastic sides, he slid off the biobed onto his uneasy legs.

Chakwas made sure that he was steady before continuing, "You know I'm going to have to tell Shepard about this."

Joker flipped the bill of his cap up and rubbed at his hairline as he looked apprehensively at her. He understood that doctor-patient confidentiality only went so far in the military or any organization with a paramilitary command structure. It was very possible that if his nightmares got out of hand, they could greatly impair his ability to fly. While he understood it, his entire being recoiled at the thought of Shepard knowing about his dirty secrets. If there was anyone in this universe that he wanted to hide his imperfections from, it was most definitely Shepard.

"However," Chakwas added, "you're not off the hook on telling her how you feel. That one should come from you alone."

Groaning, he placed his cap firmly back on his head, pulling down on the bill with one hand and securing the back of it with the other. "Do what you feel is necessary, Doc, but don't expect a peep out of me."

"It will do you good to get it off your chest, Jeff." Chakwas said sternly, "The whole concept has obviously got you out-of-sorts."

"I like things the way they are," Joker grunted, knowing full well that he didn't.

Chakwas shrugged in defeat and sighed, "If you say so, Jeff." She gestured to the bottle in his hand, "Make sure you only take two of those pills at night. Remember the last time you took three?"

Joker looked up at her with a goofy grin, "You know I don't remember that, Doc."

"Exactly," She said pointedly, "Now, let me know if you need anything else."

"Alright," Joker said as he hobbled towards the door, "Thanks, I owe you one…again."

Chakwas shook her head, "No you don't."

Smiling weakly, he waved at Chakwas before he left the Med Bay, bottle firmly in hand. He was glad to be returning to the bridge; he was sure that half the ship had fallen apart in his absence. Plus, he had a report to extract from the repair crew for Shepard.

_Sky Shepard…_

He mentally smacked himself for trying to daydream about her, like he did so many times he was alone up on the bridge. There was a lot of work to be done, and he wasn't going to get it done by thinking about her.

But what Doctor Chakwas had said kept reverberating in his mind. Perhaps she and EDI were right…perhaps he did need to tell her. He shook his head, _No, not now. You need to get a grip on yourself, Jeff Moreau. Those reports aren't asexual and won't do themselves…_

One thing was certain, if his mind was already beginning to buzz now in the afternoon, he was going to have to take three of those damned pills if he wanted to sleep tonight.


	6. Chapter 5: Rules of Engagement

**Chapter Five**

**Rules of Engagement**

Shepard laced her fingers together and stretched her arms over her head as she walked into her cabin. Her feet drug a bit on the bulkheads below her as she thought about her most recent exchange with Thane. The slow paces were evidence of her mind swirling with a strange mixture of thoughts: apprehension, excitement, fear...all replacing the buzzing thoughts of anger and sorrow from a few hours earlier. It was clear to her that Thane was very much interested, and was beginning to get bolder in his shows of affection.

She did her best to shake off this new set of thoughts as she picked up her pace. Out of habit, she pressed the feeder button next to her enormous fish tank, a feature that was included in her cabin by the Illusive Man for reasons still unknown to her. This particular set of fish was her second; the first had died a miserable, starving death. Out of sheer guilt, she bought more and made a point of coming up to feed them after every mission. A swarming frenzy of blue Illium Skalds, fire-orange Thessian Sunfish, and shiny Prejek Paddle Fish rushed to the top of the tank to feed on the brown pellets floating on the surface. "Eat up, guys." She said as she walked past the tank and towards her armor locker.

Opening up the locker, she pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes as she decided which armor combination to wear. She owned various chest plates, gauntlets, and greaves, each suiting their own purpose. For heavy combat situations, she usually elected to wear her Capacitor chest plate, which jump-started the recharge cycle on her shields. That particular feature proved handy in heavy-fire situations. Regardless of functional choice, the aesthetics of each piece was the same. All were cast in a shining checkerboard pattern colored her favorite sapphire blue accented in silver, featuring a broad red and white stripe down the right arm and shoulder pieces. Each set of greaves had a custom pattern of red and white stars on the thighs, shins, and calf plates. The left arm gauntlets and shoulder pads also featured this pattern. She drug out her regular shoulder pads and N7 gauntlets, which she had upgraded with an extra ammo pack, as well as her Sirta Foundation life support webbing greaves and Aegis vest. For most shore missions, this was her armor combination of choice, since heavier shoulder pads and the Capacitor chest plate added a bunch of weight.

With a sigh, she retrieved her black, form-fitting under-armor from its hangar and threw it on her bed with the other pieces. She began to shed her Cerberus fatigues and replaced them with a set of black thermals which helped regulate her body temperature while she wore her armor. They would wick the sweat off of her body and help keep her cool in conjunction with the thermal control units inside the under-armor, which she slipped on next. Fitting into it was akin to getting into a wetsuit, except a wetsuit was much lighter. It had many layers in order to protect the wearer, developed similarly to the extra-vehicular suits of early astronauts. Once she had all the undergarments in place, she began to secure the different pieces of her armor, starting from her boots. After putting on her gauntlets, she strapped on her pistol and submachine gun holsters, and made sure that her weapons pack was secured. She grabbed the case her Kuwashii Visor was stored in and opened it, removing the visor and placing it over her right ear. As soon as it was firmly attached to her head, she turned it on. A holographic heads-up display emerged from the emitter just above her right eyebrow and covered her right eye. Skylar stretched a bit to make sure her armor was on comfortably and correctly. Satisfied, she set off out of her quarters for the Armory.

Even though she was only going down one deck, Sky cursed the elevator for its slow rate of travel. Sometimes she missed the stairs on the old _Normandy,_ which allowed her to get to the middle deck almost immediately. Of course, Cerberus was too high-tech for something as simple as a staircase.

When the elevator doors finally opened, Shepard turned to the left towards the Armory, but was interrupted by Yeoman Chambers.

"Commander, you have a new message at your private terminal," Chambers said over her shoulder as she worked at her computer console.

Shepard nodded, "Thanks, Kelly, I'll take a quick look at it." She figured she had the time to read it and jogged over to her terminal.

Under the "Unread Messages" tab, she found a message from Dr. Chakwas:

_From: Chief Medical Officer Chakwas_

_Commander,_

_I understand that you're leaving the _Normandy_ for the next few hours, but I would like to see you as soon as you get back._

_Respectfully,_

_Doctor Chakwas_

"Hm," Sky raised an eyebrow. She wondered what could be so important that Chakwas needed to see her right when she got back, but could also wait until then. _I guess I'll find out, won't I?_

Without another thought on the subject, she took the few steps to the Armory and opened the door. As she entered the room, Jacob looked up from his console and acknowledged her presence, "Going hunting, Commander?"

"Just lunch," Shepard chuckled as she walked over to the weapons locker. "Looks like you've gotten the place pretty cleaned up in here."

"Yeah, still got some buggy wiring, though. Tali's supposed to come up here to fix it in an hour or so." Jacob pointed up at the ceiling, where some wires still hung exposed from the bulkheads.

"The CIC's still a mess," she grunted before she opened the locker. Shepard holstered her M-5 Phalanx and M-12 Locust, and grabbed her M-97, stroking the slightly scarred metal casing. "Mordin's been at work on this, hasn't he?"

"He just returned it with the damage upgrade you requested, he said it probably won't be able to be modified any further." Jacob informed her.

"Ah," Shepard pushed the button on the rifle that made it expand out of its compact, collapsed form. She held it up, settling the butt into the soft space where her shoulder met her torso, and pointed it at the wall. The balance seemed right to her, and she was satisfied that the upgrade wouldn't negatively impact her shooting performance. She holstered the weapon onto her pack, in addition to her M-96 Mattock and the Collector Particle Beam weapon she had obtained on Horizon. For as much as she liked the Collector weapon, she was more partial to the missile launcher as a heavy weapon. On the other hand, the beam weapon was lighter, and she highly doubted that she'd have to use the ML-77 on this outing.

"That's a lot of weaponry for a lunch run, Commander," Jacob teased, chuckling at her as she started up her weapon pack's mass effect field.

"You never know what's in the sandwiches on Zakera Ward," Shepard joked right back, turning to leave. "If I find any mystery meat, I'll send it back for weapons testing."

Jacob laughed, "Good hunting, Commander."

Shepard threw him a token two-finger salute as she walked out the door, chuckling to herself. Jacob was a good man, and she'd known that since the beginning. Their shared Alliance military backgrounds had made it much easier for her to trust him than Miranda during those rough first days. To her, it had been like her entire world had been shattered in an instant. First, they were telling her that two years had passed when it had only felt like a horrible night's sleep, then they were telling her that the Council had decided to bury their heads further in the sand regarding the Reapers. To top it all off, her entire team had scattered to the wind. At least Jacob was ex-Alliance, and she knew that she could trust his word as an Alliance officer.

When she entered the CIC, she found Garrus and Thane waiting for her by the Galaxy Map. She gestured to Thane and Garrus to follow her and the trio moved towards the _Normandy'_s airlock. Shepard's boots clunked along the catwalk up to the bridge, alerting her pilot to the squad's presence.

Joker turned around in the pilot's chair, "Gah, what's with all this noise, Shepard? Usually you're so much sneakier."

Skylar chuckled, "You only hear me when I want you to. I thought you knew that by now." She prodded back.

"Uh huh," Joker grinned, "You wanted me to hear you so you could rub your time ashore in my face, I see how it is."

"Nothing's stopping you from taking some leave when your shift is over." Sky pointed out, "It would probably do you some good."

"Yeah, no shit," Joker said as he turned back around, "but I've still got a lot to do up here. Got to make sure those guys crawling around our hull don't mess up the ship." He pointed towards the ceiling, and Shepard could hear the subtle sound of footsteps above them.

"Just don't stay cooped up here for the duration of our stay, Joker." Shepard warned him, "I'll kick your sarcastic ass out the airlock if I have to."

"Will do, Commander," the pilot laughed again. If there was someone she truly enjoyed exchanging playful banter with, it was Joker. In marine boot camp, she was infamous for her insidious stingers; a talent she had developed in her teenage years to defend herself from her quick-witted mother. Very few could rival her, and even fewer still could top her. Joker was of the latter category, and it delighted her to no end. Before the squad could make their way out the airlock, Joker called behind his shoulder once again to her. "So, what's the Sniper Squad up to today?"

Sky grinned to herself. Since she often would take both Garrus and Thane with her on missions, Joker had taken to calling them the "Sniper Squad" for his own amusement. It was an apt name, of course: all three of them were pretty much the best snipers on the ship…if you didn't include Legion. "Just a little R&R, I was tired of pacing the corridors."

The airlock opened and the three squad mates walked towards it. "Alright Commander, see you later." Joker called to her as they left.

"Later, Joker." Shepard called back before the airlock re-sealed behind them. _I'd go insane without that man,_ she thought to herself.

"The Commanding Officer is ashore, XO Lawson has the deck." EDI chimed in a disembodied voice as the squad exited the airlock.

A platform lay before them which housed the only mode of transportation up to the Ward itself. A rapid transit shuttle sat patiently on the platform, awaiting the squad. Shepard jumped into the driver's seat and Garrus took the passenger seat, Thane took the back. She was an accomplished pilot in her own right, and never let go to waste the chance to get behind the control panel of anything that flew. The crimson red shuttle rose off the platform and made a large, curving arc towards Zakera Ward's shuttleport. Sky set the shuttle down gently, and flipped the hatch controls as soon as she powered it down. She and the rest of her squad exited the shuttle and passed the attendant to their left. A couple of hanar were conversing in high-frequency flashes to their right.

They went through the door and made their way up the docking bay corridor, at the end of which stood a turian C-Sec officer at a small terminal. Sky broke out into a jog, thanking the mini mass effect field generator on her weapon pack that allowed her to do so. Lugging around an M-97, a Collector Particle Beam rifle, and an M-96 would have been murderous otherwise. She slowed as they approached the C-Sec officer, who looked at them and began the routine security scanning procedure. The security screen swept across them, temporarily blinding her with the bright, white light. She mentally kicked herself for not remembering to close her eyes as purple and blue afterimages popped up in her vision randomly and without mercy.

"Sorry for the inconvenience, Ma'am," he said politely as the doors into the C-Sec office opened. Sky gave him a respectful nod despite having an armored glove rubbing at her eye as she and her squad walked through. She waved at Captain Bailey as they went by; both Thane and Garrus gave their own greeting gestures since Bailey had also helped them quite a bit.

"Hey," Bailey stood up and called out to them, pointing at Thane in particular. "You talked to your boy lately?"

Thane inclined his head, "Yes, we exchanged messages a few days ago. I've been…" he looked at Shepard knowingly, "quite busy since then and haven't had a chance to compose another message."

Bailey pointed upwards, "He's upstairs running some errands for me if you want to go see him." His expression softened a bit, "I'm sure he'd be appreciative."

Thane nodded in agreement, then turned to Shepard, touching her upper arm affectionately, "Go along without me for a while, Siha. I shall catch up to you shortly."

"Take your time, Thane," Sky returned the gesture and placed her hand on his shoulder, "I know how much he means to you."

They exchanged wordless glances before Thane walked away, moving fluidly like running water. Shepard stood and stared for a split second before Bailey broke her out of her reverie.

"Are you two…?" He waved his finger between Shepard and the doorway, an eyebrow raised quizzically.

Immediately, Shepard's cheeks flushed, "No, nah…" she shook her head, "It's nothing."

"Huh," Bailey shrugged, "Well, I guess I'll let you and Garrus get on your way." He took his seat back behind his desk, "Let me know if you need anything, Commander."

"Of course, Bailey," Shepard said as she and Garrus turned to walk out the door. Much to her annoyance, her collar was slightly damp from the sweat that had broken out on her neck.

Garrus flared his mandibles in a turian version of a grin, "You lie so well, Shepard." He said sarcastically.

Sky's head snapped around to her left to stare the turian down, "Oh?"

They turned left down the corridor past Avina and stopped by the railing in the middle of the ward, just outside the Zakera Café. Shepard leaned against the railing, looking towards the other side of the ward, and Garrus followed suit. "You and Thane," he said simply, inclining his fringed head in the direction Thane had gone.

Sky rubbed her left temple nervously, "Yeah, I don't quite know what to make of that."

"He likes you," Garrus shrugged, "Though I'm not usually one for humans, I can't say I blame him."

Shepard punched him in the shoulder with a gloved hand. It didn't faze the turian in the least, but caused his head to bobble slightly.

"Hey, you can't blame a guy for observing," Garrus flared his mandibles again, showing his razor-sharp teeth. "In all seriousness, Shepard," Garrus continued, turning around so that he faced her, side leaning up against the rail, "you deserve someone better after what happened on Horizon. I would have kicked Alenko's ass right there had I not been so shocked by his behavior."

Shrugging, Shepard pointed out, "Well, he was pretty upset about Cerberus, can't say I don't understand where he's coming from." _You're defending him, now? Come on, Skylar…_

"That's no excuse," Garrus shook his head, "I'm a turian and I'm working with you, even if Cerberus was involved." He waved a taloned hand dismissively, "Hell, I was apprehensive about Cerberus, but it's _you_, Commander. After Saren, I knew I could trust you to get things done and make the right decisions. Alenko didn't even give you that much credit."

Sky turned her head towards him and smiled weakly, "Thanks, Garrus," she said before hanging her head and sighing loudly. He was right, and she knew it. Garrus had been on her side from the beginning when she was trying to convince the Council of Saren's betrayal. He had become a natural addition to her crew, and she knew she couldn't have stopped Saren and Sovereign without him. After her resurrection, he had been the first person she'd thought of that she wanted by her side on this mission, and had been quite pissed that the Illusive Man had no idea where he was. When she had discovered that the "Archangel" on Omega was actually Garrus, she had been incredibly relieved. Up to that point, she had no one around her that she thought she could trust, save Joker. She had been so ecstatic when Garrus took off his helmet; she had also felt, for the first time since she woke up in that Cerberus facility, that the mission to destroy the Collectors could succeed. They had grown close during their mission to hunt down Saren, but surviving through that and being reunited had made them closer. The krogans had a term for their relationship – battle brothers. No matter the situation, no matter how tough the fight, Sky knew that Garrus always had her back. It wasn't surprising to her that Garrus would harbor ill will towards Kaidan after Horizon.

"I don't know, Garrus," she said, gauntleted fingers entwined in her hair, "Thane _is_ a great guy, very quality, but…"

"What, he's dying?" Garrus shrugged, "I say if you make each other happy, you two deserve however long he has left."

"Yeah, well it's not that exactly, but it doesn't help." Shepard pushed herself away from the rail and swung her arms a bit, "I've lost a lot, and frankly, I'm getting a bit sick of losing people I care about."

"Definitely understandable," Garrus said, "but just do both me and you a favor."

"What's that?" Shepard asked with an eyebrow raised.

"Don't let the decision you made on Virmire get in the way of your happiness." Garrus looked at her knowingly, "Sometimes, emotion is all you have to go on."

Shepard never thought she'd hear Garrus say something like that. Then again, his anger at Sidonis for what he had done had also surprised her. But, she reminded herself, it had also been emotions that had enabled Garrus to forgive Sidonis in the end. Maybe Garrus was right, but she still didn't think of it as a valid excuse.

"Ash deserved better," she mumbled, almost to herself. That very phrase had become a mantra of sorts to her on the topic, something she'd say to prevent her from ever making that mistake again.

"Shepard, you have to stop beating yourself up about it." Garrus said, tightening his mandibles around his mouth, "I know Williams wouldn't want you to."

Sky contemplated what Garrus said. She had to admit, Ash wouldn't have wanted her to agonize about it as much as she had. In fact, if Ash were still alive, she'd probably kick the shit out of her for it.

"She died a hero." Garrus said softly, "Her family needed that."

"They didn't need the pine box, though." Shepard grunted. They hadn't even been able to fill the damned casket; nothing remained at Saren's cloning facility, just a crater. The Williams family had put the lockbox of Ash's personal effects Shepard had given them in it instead. But, Garrus was right once again. Ash's dad had told Shepard that her death had brought honor back to their family. Perhaps it was selfish of her to take that as only small comfort for her own perceived breach in protocol.

"Skylar," Garrus said her name, prompting her to look up at him in surprise. Normally Garrus called her by her last name, even though she called him by his given name. The fact that he'd used hers got her attention. "You're not going to be able to get close to anyone again if you don't let it go."

Shepard sighed and nodded to her turian friend. She'd convinced him to let go of what Sidonis did to his team on Omega, and it only seemed fair that she'd try to take what he said to heart.

"Now," Garrus said more cheerfully, mandibles fluttering, "How about I go get you one of those, uh, submarine-type sandwiches you like so much? And I can find something I actually want to eat."

Garrus's teasing tone got her to crack a smile. The last time they went anywhere to get some chow Shepard had done the ordering, and apparently grossly misjudged which selections of dextro-DNA food looked appetizing. She, however, had greatly enjoyed her turkey, ranch and swiss sub sandwich that day. Shepard raised her hands and grinned, "Be my guest, Garrus." She handed him her credit chit before he turned to walk into the Zakera Café. "Get whatever you want, it's on me." He nodded to her and left.

Shepard suddenly picked up a voice with her better-than-average hearing, which had been further enhanced by Cerberus's upgrades. She swore she heard someone calling out her name as she whipped around, looking over each shoulder. Almost as soon as she dismissed the sound, claiming she must be hearing things, she saw a figure appear out of the corner of her eye.

A flash of bronze-colored heavy armor first caught her attention, and she turned to her right to see a man running towards her from across the ward. His dark hair, eyes and olive complexion made him unmistakable, and her recognition formed a knot deep in her stomach.

It was Kaidan.

"Skylar!" He called to her again as he closed within ten yards, almost barreling over some poor shopper. Shepard squeezed her eyes shut, pinching the bridge of her nose. Of all the people she wanted to run into, Kaidan was definitely at the bottom of the list. When she opened her eyes, he was standing about four feet in front of her.

"Kaidan," she said, trying her best to sound civil, "what are you doing here?" Despite her conscious efforts, her voice was flat and she clearly sounded irritated.

Kaidan took a step closer to her and she mirrored him by taking a step back. "I overheard someone say that they saw you just outside of the café here." He gestured to the shop nearby. "I haven't heard from you since Horizon."

"I didn't think there was much to say," Shepard said coolly, narrowing her eyes. "I figured you'd take the hint when I didn't return your messages."

Kaidan shrugged, "Well, rumor has it you've been a busy woman. Unreturned messages could mean anything."

Shepard shook her head and said rather dryly, "Glad to know you're still hanging onto the word of the rumor mill."

Rubbing his face, Kaidan grunted softly, indicating his mounting frustration, "I said I was sorry about what I said, okay? I can't believe you're still sore about it."

"Oh, you better believe it." Shepard crossed her arms as tightly across her chest as her Aegis vest would allow. "You accused me of being a traitor, Kaidan. The kinds of things you said don't just blow over and aren't fixed with a few words and a myriad of excuses."

"Okay, I was wrong," Kaidan held up both hands in front of his chest, "the whole thing wasn't exactly easy for me, either."

"Still, that doesn't make things any better." Shepard growled, "I just can't find it in me to forgive you for that."

Kaidan attempted to close the gap between them again, and this time she let him take one step before she backed away. "So that's it?" He shook his head, shrugging his shoulders.

"Yeah, that's it," Shepard bit her lower lip and nodded, "I thought I knew you, Kaidan. I guess I was wrong."

Throwing up his hands, Kaidan sighed sharply through his nose, "What did you want from me, Sky? The Alliance had told me that they suspected Cerberus was behind the abductions, and then you show up with a Cerberus rip-off of the _Normandy_ and a Cerberus crew."

Shepard bristled, hair standing up on her back and neck as if she were a cat defending its turf. No one insulted her ship, and certainly no one insulted the crew that was loyal to her. "Still, when faced with the fact that it _wasn't_ Cerberus, you wouldn't back down." She growled, "Hell, you're the _only_ one from my old crew that refused to join me outright. At least Liara and Wrex had bigger responsibilities, you just ran back to the Alliance bureaucrats. I thought out of everyone, you'd trust me the most."

"How many times do I have to say 'I'm sorry,' Skylar?" Kaidan shook his head and reached out for her, but she stepped away from him yet again, leaning back and putting most of her weight on her rear leg. "I still love you, and I want to make it right, damn it!" She could hear the desperation in his voice, and a small voice in her heart squeaked to tell her that she could take him back, that they could make it right again.

But she knew that it wasn't that simple, and that she'd been too hurt for it to ever heal properly. She had to stick to her guns, and as much as it pained her, she knew it was the right decision. Shepard shook her head, trying not to let her eyes water, "Kaidan, nothing you can say now can 'make it right.'"

Kaidan stepped back and pursed his lips into a deepening scowl, eyebrows drawing together tightly. The smell of ozone cracked through the air as a cloud of dark energy enveloped Kaidan's body, making it glow an eerie blue. He was fuming so bad he was starting to emit biotic energy. The crowd in the immediate vicinity stopped and stared; some out of fascination, some out of fear. In that same moment, Sky's mental red flag started waving madly, prompting her to check for anything in her peripheral vision that was out of the ordinary. She found it in the top left, on the catwalks that lined the ceilings of the ward. Her Kuwashii visor HUD highlighted the shadowy outline of a crouched figure and the subtle gleam of a sniper rifle barrel caught her eye. _Damn it, Thane, I'm not_ that_ mad at him!_ Not that she could blame the drell, he was probably just looking out for her best interest since Kaidan did look quite threatening at the moment.

Calmly, lest Kaidan do something to cause Thane to pull the trigger, she said, "Kaidan, you need to settle down."

"Settle down?" Kaidan exclaimed, the dark energy cloud glowing brighter and fiercer, "After all of this you want me to 'settle down!'"

_He's not going to calm down unless I tell him what's going on,_ Shepard groaned to herself. "I want you to settle down because the best assassin in the galaxy has you in his crosshairs." She said bluntly. Kaidan's eyes widened in response, and he checked around, looking for the assassin she was warning him about. However, Kaidan wasn't wearing a HUD, and thus probably wouldn't be able to pick Thane out from the shadows.

Suddenly, Garrus broke through the crowd and waved them off, "It's alright, people, go about your business." Shepard thanked the cosmos that Garrus had spent so much time in C-Sec – and thus very skilled at crowd control – as the masses of onlookers dispersed, instantly easing some of the tension. Kaidan even calmed down a bit, reducing his bluish glow to the slight violet of his biotic barrier.

"Garrus," Shepard pointed up to the catwalk, where Thane stood up and brought down his rifle. "Go get Thane before he shoots Commander Alenko."

"Yes, Ma'am," Garrus nodded to her before shooting a glare at Kaidan as he went off to do as Shepard had requested.

Kaidan raised an eyebrow in response to Garrus's glare. "I take it you're not the only one upset with me." He sighed.

"Garrus was there, Kaidan." Shepard shrugged and shook her head slowly, "He wasn't very happy with what you said to me."

Kaidan's shoulders slumped, and he looked down at his boots, then back up at her. "For good reason," his dark eyes softened, looking into her light blue ones and searching for any kind of hope. However, Sky wasn't going to let him find any. "I guess drinks are out of the question." He said, voice heavy with sadness and regret.

"Yeah," Shepard broke eye contact with him, determined not to fall under his spell. "You were right about one thing."

"What was I right about?" Kaidan asked apprehensively.

Looking back at him, she replied, "I changed…we both have."

Now it was Kaidan's turn to cross his arms. He stood there in stunned silence, and Sky could see his mind working feverishly to figure out where exactly he'd gone wrong and if there was any possible solution. After about a minute or two of this, he uncrossed his arms and shrugged in defeat. "I guess being dead for two years can do that."

Shepard nodded, chewing on her bottom lip in an effort to stave off the tears that threatened to pool in her bottom eyelids. "I'm sorry," was all she managed to say for fear her voice would crack.

But Kaidan still knew her all too well and wasn't fooled. He closed the gap between them and she allowed him to take her in his arms one last time. "So am I," he whispered as she felt his chin come to rest on the top of her head. Shepard's fingers curled over the top of his chest plate, and despite her best efforts, a few salty streaks sprang free and rolled down her cheeks. For a fleeting moment, it was almost enough to make her change her mind. Almost.

With her right hand, she wiped away the evidence of her emotional pain as Kaidan released her. He kissed her softly on her forehead before he completely stepped away from her. Shepard could see Garrus and Thane coming up from behind Kaidan, and Thane broke into a trot until he was at her side.

The drell gave her a look of concern, "Are you alright, Siha?" He examined her face, and it was obvious to her that he'd noticed her wet, slightly puffy eyes.

"I'm fine, Thane, really." Shepard tried to allay his concerns, feeling increasingly uncomfortable as Kaidan narrowed his eyes at Thane.

Thane sensed her unease and turned to acknowledge Kaidan, "Staff Commander Alenko, I presume?"

Kaidan nodded slowly, "And you would be the assassin who tried to put a bullet through my head?"

"I apologize," Thane bowed his head gracefully, "I did not recognize you as Alliance. In my experience, they don't issue heavy armor to Sentinels."

"You're right, they don't." Kaidan said, still sounding incredibly tense. His eyes flitted back and forth between Sky and Thane, and she knew why. "In my experience, talking to Shepard isn't usually so dangerous."

Thane's voice dropped several tones as he said, "I was merely trying to defend her against what I saw as a threat." His brow ridges came down lower over his black eyes, an intense glare flaring up from their cool depths.

Garrus came between the two before the tension had any more opportunity to escalate. "We must be getting back to the _Normandy_, Commander. I took the liberty of having lunch delivered."

"Good idea, Garrus." Shepard said, looking nervously between Thane and Kaidan, their glaring eyes still locked on to one another's like a pair of heat-seeking missiles. She grasped Thane's left arm, one hand on his upper arm and one on his forearm, and gave a gentle tug. "Come on, Thane. Let's get back to the ship."

"An excellent proposition, Siha," Thane said icily, gaze still concentrated on Kaidan.

"Take care of her," Kaidan said, expression softening just a slight bit. The trio turned away from the disgruntled Alliance marine and started to head back to the C-Sec office. Sky let her hands fall off of Thane's arm as he brought it up to place his hand on her shoulder. She turned her head to quickly glance back at Kaidan, and found that he hadn't moved an inch, still looking at the departing shore party. Looking back, she hung her head slightly. This definitely wasn't what she wanted to happen, but she knew that any encounter would have been a difficult and awkward one.

Thane squeezed her shoulder, almost as if he had sensed her still-present unease, "I apologize, Siha."

Shepard ruffled her shoulder-length, wavy hair with her left hand, "It's okay."

"I take it you're going to want to beat something – or someone – up later, Commander?" Garrus said, obviously in an attempt to break up her current thought process.

Shepard grinned, "Actually, I was going to request a sparring match, Garrus." She recalled her earlier need to fight, and realized that it was still very much there.

"Well, I've got some calibrations to do, so how about we schedule for this evening? Perhaps twenty-hundred?" He suggested.

_He's _always_ doing calibrations!_ "I guess I can settle for that," she said before socking Thane softly in the ribs, "The invitation's open to you too."

"I'd be thrilled, Siha." Thane bowed his head respectfully, finally letting his hand slide off her shoulder, "I'm afraid I know of your skills in hand-to-hand by reputation only."

Garrus gave her a knowing sideways glance and clicked his mandibles softly, almost inaudibly. Shepard threw him a quick, piercing glare, a look he returned with amused eyes. He definitely got the _I'll knock you on your ass for that_ message she had been going for. She was sure he wouldn't be chuckling after she gave him a few good bruises.

Even though she was slightly annoyed at Garrus, she felt better about life. At least she'd get to beat up on something this evening. That, combined with the fact that she still hadn't received a single resignation letter on her Omni-tool, made her feel even better. When they got back to the ship, she figured she'd grab her lunch and a few cookies from her cabin and go have a chat with Chakwas. She hadn't talked to Chakwas in a while, definitely not since the Collector attack, and was looking forward to talking to her…even if it the doctor was concerned. So much had happened in the past months that Shepard had forgotten how to appreciate the little things. Little things like cookies and beating the crap out of a heavy bag.

_Maybe life doesn't suck so badly right now after all._


	7. Chapter 6: Athena's Scorn

**Chapter Six**

**Athena's Scorn**

As he watched the human, drell, and turian triad walk away from him down the ward, Alliance Staff Commander Kaidan Alenko mentally kicked himself for letting his temper get so out of hand. His whole life, he always seemed to let his temper get the best of him; from accidentally punching a hole in the wall of his childhood home to kicking Vyrnnus and getting all of BaAT shut down. Now he had almost lost it with the woman he loved, and almost got a slug through the head for it. _Would've served me right,_ he thought with a groan.

He ran a gauntleted hand through his curly black hair and sighed loudly. Everything had just been so damned complicated after she'd died…it had hurt so much. Kaidan remembered the last time he saw her very clearly in his mind:

_The _Normandy_ was in flames._

_ The noise of everything exploding around him, the crew screaming, and klaxons blaring caused his ears to ring. But the loudest sounds of all were his heaving breath and frantically pounding feet. Kaidan ran through the CIC as console after console erupted in flames, the emergency lighting glowing an angry red around him. It was as if he were in a blood mist after a heavy hit: only he wasn't bleeding – the ship was. In a matter of only a few minutes, the entire ship would be dead, and he knew it. But as he ran past all the scrambling crewmen, helmet clutched firmly in hand, there was only one thing on his mind:_

_ Find Skylar._

_ As he charged forward, he was propelled every so often by a conduit exploding behind him. He couldn't count how many corpses he'd tripped over or how many were still falling around him; he was too busy looking for _Normandy'_s CO. Skipping steps as he hurtled down the stairs to the crew deck, he hit the deck hard as he jumped over the last few steps. More terrified crewmen rushed around him, trying to get to the escape shuttles before the ship was blown apart. Running through the mess towards the rear of the ship, he stormed past the equipment lockers and saw the familiar flash of red on charcoal. He'd found her._

_ Skylar was coaxing a console in the back of the hallway lined with cryo sleeper pods. She entered a set of commands and slipped her own helmet over her head._

_ "Shepard!" Kaidan called to her._

_ She turned around as she secured her helmet's connection to the hardsuit. "Distress beacon is ready for launch."_

_ Kaidan put on his own helmet before he spoke again, "Will the Alliance get here in time?"_

_ The ship rocked again violently, causing Kaidan to stumble closer to her. The console she was working at flickered, and she looked back at it worriedly. "The Alliance won't abandon us," she said calmly before she grabbed a fire extinguisher from its mount near the floor, "we just need to hold on." Turning around, she tossed him the fire extinguisher and started fiddling with a nearby panel to ensure that the distress beacon would launch properly. He caught the extinguisher as she continued, "Get everyone onto the escape shuttles!"_

_ "Joker's still in the cockpit, he won't abandon ship," Kaidan informed the commander as he sprayed the extinguisher's foam onto one of the fires that were erupting from the deck. That stubborn ass had all but punched him in the gut to prevent him from hauling him off to the escape shuttle, claiming that he could still save the ship. Though Kaidan often thought Joker was nuts, he more than understood his refusal to give up. "I'm not leaving, either," he said firmly._

_ Skylar finished her work on the bulkhead panel and walked over to him, putting a hand on his arm, "I _need_ you to get the crew onto the evac shuttles. I'll take care of Joker." She took the fire extinguisher from him, but dropped it when another conduit explosion caused them both to lose their balance. Skylar just let it fall and began to work on another bundle of exposed wires; she probably recognized the futility of trying to put out the fires._

_ Even though she had said it in her cool, controlled manner, Kaidan knew that his commanding officer had just given him a direct order. But it was an order he wanted to disobey with every fiber of his being. To him, she wasn't just his CO; she was much more than that. In the previous months, not only had they fought and defied certain death together, they had found comfort in each others' arms. When he first saw her, he thought that she was the goddess Athena herself: her strategic mind held no equal, and her beauty even extended to the battlefield. He'd never been more in love._

_ His voice was hesitant as he spoke. "Commander…"_

_ Anticipating his resistance, Skylar immediately responded, "Kaidan, go." She turned her head to face him to make her point clear, "Now."_

_ Kaidan just looked at her for a fleeting moment. He couldn't leave her, not now…but he had to. Swallowing hard, he nodded curtly, "Aye, aye."_

_ Before he actually turned to leave, to carry out her orders, he took one last look at her. Granted, she was in a hardsuit and he couldn't even see her eyes, but it was the last look he was going to get before he saw her on the other side._

_ But as he turned away, his gut twisted in a knot, because he had a horrible feeling that she wouldn't come out of this alive._

And, just like his gut had told him, she didn't.

When the last escape shuttle had reached the rendezvous point with the cruiser SSV _Constantinople_, she wasn't among its inhabitants. The only person in it was Joker, unconscious and battered. It took an army of med techs to extract him from the shuttle; any less care and he'd have gotten more fractures than he already had. It appeared that he hadn't been able to secure his safety harness before the shuttle launched, and that he'd been bouncing around in it for days.

The techs rushed him to _Constantinople'_s sickbay, and hooked him up to every piece of medical equipment that surrounded the biobed. By the time Kaidan had gotten down to check on the _Normandy_ survivors, Joker was in casts from his shoulders down to his feet. He was also being treated for acute decompression sickness, a result to exposure to the vacuum of space during his rescue…the rescue that had lead to the death of Commander Shepard.

_Alliance Flight Lieutenant Jeff Moreau lay motionless on the biobed, but he managed to look up groggily as Kaidan approached him. _Poor bastard,_ Kaidan thought, _He's lucky to be alive.

_ Kaidan suppressed his next thought. He couldn't blame Joker for Skylar's death… it really wasn't his fault. But he couldn't help but think if the helmsman had just come with him instead of staying on the bridge that she would have survived. _

_ "Did Commander Shepard make it?" Joker managed to ask weakly. It suddenly occurred to Kaidan that he probably didn't know Shepard's current status; for all he knew, she could have been recovered. _

_ If only that were the case. After almost three days of searching, the Alliance hadn't been able to locate her. During that time, Joker had been in _Constantinople'_s sickbay, drifting in and out of consciousness. "She's missing," Kaidan said, his voice catching despite his best effort to control it. "The Alliance will call off the search if she isn't found by the end of the week."_

_ Joker tried to sit up, but hissed in pain, "I've got to go help them."_

_ Kaidan shook his head and put a hand on the helmsman's shoulder, pushing him back to the biobed gently, "You're in no condition to go anywhere, Joker."_

_ "I can't just lay here while she's still out there!" _Normandy'_s pilot growled in frustration._

_ Kaidan understood his frustration; he was also unable to take part in the search. As the _Normandy'_s senior surviving officer, it was his duty to stay with the crew until the Alliance had closed its investigation into the ship's destruction. Until that time, he was under orders to stay with them under the care of _Constantinople'_s crew. Despite his orders, he wanted nothing more than to head up the search himself; he would stop at nothing to find her…dead, or alive._

_ "It's out of our hands for now," Kaidan sighed, "all we can do is wait."_

_ Joker shook his head angrily and snapped, "How can you say that? I thought you loved her!"_

_ Narrowing his eyes, Kaidan was both surprised and shocked by Joker's sudden outburst. Sure, he was rough and gritty at times, and certainly didn't blow sunshine up anyone's ass, but he had never seen him outright snap at anyone. Even though he'd been caught off guard, Kaidan wouldn't let the situation get the better of one of his senior officers. "I have a duty to this crew, Flight Lieutenant," he said firmly. "That duty is also yours. And yes, I love her, more than you could know."_

_ Joker scoffed, "That's what you think."_

_ Kaidan raised an eyebrow, "And what's that supposed to mean?"_

_ The helmsman bit is lip and cursed under his breath. Obviously, the pain meds had messed with his internal filter. But Joker didn't have to explain it to him. It had been apparent ever since it started going around that he and Skylar were together. He and Joker had never gotten along very well, but it seemed like their relationship worsened after that. Joker would keep their interactions purely formal, and didn't poke fun at him anymore. When they did talk to one another, he was stiff, and sometimes even cranky. This behavior shift made Kaidan sure that Joker had been harboring feelings for the Commander. In a way, he had felt bad about it; Joker had all the confidence in the world about his flying skills, but Kaidan knew that he probably didn't have the same confidence with women. Hell, _he'd_ always felt humbled by women, and he didn't have brittle bones._

_ "Forget about it," Kaidan waved Joker off, "and keep getting better, alright?"_

_ It looked like Joker had attempted to smile, but it came out more as a grimace as he said, "Aye, Sir."_

_ When he walked away to check on the other crew members, Kaidan rubbed his forehead vigorously. It looked like they were both going to have to learn to live without her._

The memory of Skylar had weighed heavily on his soul in a way that made him sure he'd never love anyone else like he'd loved her. It took him almost a year to build up the strength to see anyone else again. And even then, that charming doctor didn't hold a candle in his mind to Skylar Shepard. By the second anniversary of the _Normandy'_s destruction, he'd all but given up hope on ever mending his broken heart.

Then, just around that time, it started. At first, there were only whispers in the dark alleys of the Citadel's wards. Over time, the whispers grew into rumors; supposed sightings of Commander Shepard on the streets of Omega, stories of her new missions in the Terminus Systems. Quarians on the flotilla claimed sightings of her on Freedom's Progress after the colony mysteriously vanished. At last, the Alliance got hold of hard evidence that Shepard was indeed alive and active. The first clue had been docking reports that included a frigate called _Normandy,_ and photographs of the commander that Alliance Intel identified as positive.

However, any joy of finding out she was alive had been tempered by disturbing facts. Along with a positive ID of Shepard, Alliance Intel had also positively identified two of the people she had been travelling with – Miranda Lawson and Jacob Taylor – as known Cerberus operatives. They had also tracked a couple of business deals Cerberus had made with Kasumi Goto and Zaeed Massani, contracting them for a dangerous mission supposedly under Shepard's command. The vessel she'd been travelling on – the "_Normandy_" – had also been confirmed as having a Cerberus registry. Intel had gone even further and discovered traces of quantum-entanglement communications between the Illusive Man – the known leader of Cerberus – and this new _Normandy._ All of these facts pointed towards the conclusion that Commander Shepard was now working for Cerberus.

This had disturbed Kaidan greatly. On their mission to take down Saren, they encountered Cerberus and found that despite its roots in Alliance Black Ops, it had turned into a terrifying and monstrous entity. Besides the fact that Cerberus is hell-bent on human dominance in the galaxy, they also seemed to have no moral standards as to how they achieved their goals. They had even been implicated in the disappearance of multiple colonies in the Terminus. But he knew Skylar, and he knew her conscience…it seemed impossible to him that she could have disappeared and had been working for Cerberus all this time. Surely, there had to be an explanation.

The Citadel Council, equally disturbed by the news, had thought the same thing. Along with the Cerberus Operatives, the Commander had been sighted with known Citadel allies: Mordin Solus, formerly of the salarian Special Tasks Group, and Garrus Vakarian, formerly of C-Sec and a member of the old _Normandy_ crew. Cerberus was not known for allowing aliens to partake in their operations, and because of this conflicting evidence, Councilor Anderson invited Commander Shepard to the Citadel to explain her involvement with the terrorist group.

Kaidan had wanted to talk to her, confront her about why she'd kept him in the dark those past two years, but was sent to Horizon before she made her visit to the Citadel. Two questions burned in his mind more than any other: why was she working for Cerberus, and why hadn't she told him that she was alive? Over time, he'd begun to think that maybe she had survived the destruction of the old _Normandy_ and didn't tell the Alliance – and had, for some strange reason, switched her allegiance to Cerberus. Maybe it was because she still passionately believed in the Reapers, but both the Alliance and the Council had dismissed them as merely a nightmare tale…a recruitment tool that Saren used to rally the geth in order to destroy humanity. But this didn't make sense to him; she knew that he had been with her on Ilos, that he had also heard Vigil's warnings about the true nature of Sovereign. He knew, just as she did, that the Council was wrong. If she had indeed been on a new mission against the Reapers, why didn't she enlist _his_ help? Why did she have to resort to allying with terrorists?

None of it made sense to him, and none of it would until he could talk to her. However, when Councilor Anderson had sent him to Horizon to arm the colony under the pretext that the Alliance just wanted to lend a "helping hand" to human colonies in the Terminus, he lost that opportunity. In truth, he was going there in order to arm the colony against whatever threat was facing the remote colonies…and the Alliance had told him that they thought this threat could be Cerberus. Why they would abduct the humans they claimed to protect, Kaidan didn't know, but the word of the Alliance was all he had to go on. If what they said was true, that meant he might have to come face-to-face with Skylar…on opposite sides of the battlefield. As much as the thought truly terrified him – Skylar was obviously the superior warrior, and her new team formidable – it hurt him. He hoped to all that was holy that the Alliance was wrong about all that.

As it turned out, they were, but only partially.

_ It was a beautiful day outside. The birds were chirping merrily in the trees and the grass swayed under the influence of a calm, warm breeze._

_ Kaidan, however, was on edge._

_ Ever since he'd arrived, he had faced outward hostility from the vast majority of the colonists. None of them seemed to appreciate that the Alliance was trying to help them, no matter if they knew the real reason or not. At least Lilith, the woman who was in charge of the colony's tech network, seemed to be sympathetic._

_ "Lilith," he said as he caught up with her, "we've got a problem."_

_ "Still can't calibrate the targeting matrix?" She sighed. It was one nagging tech problem on a list of many for the colony, and it had been ongoing for a week now._

_ Kaidan shook his head, "Those defense towers are useless if we don't figure it out."_

_ "Sorry Commander," Lilith said, and at least she did actually sound sincere in her apology. "Getting our comm system back online takes priority."_

_ Kaidan sighed audibly, "Yeah, okay." He knew that the colony's resources were limited, and that the colonists didn't see any real urgency on the defense towers. Even then, the towers were important, but the sudden breakdown in communications colony-wide was indeed a more pressing issue. Kaidan couldn't help but shake his head and scoff, "Surprised people haven't tried to blame _that_ one on me, too."_

_ Lilith gave him a look of sympathy, "People out here don't trust the Alliance," she shrugged. "It's nothing personal." _

_ Her tone was reassuring, but Kaidan didn't take much comfort in it. He just grimaced and growled softly in his throat._

_ His moment of frustration, however, was interrupted when he picked up a strange silhouette in the sky with his peripheral vision. He raised an eyebrow as he turned his head in order to better process what he was seeing._

_ Apparently, Lilith had seen it, too. "What is that?" She gasped. Whatever it was, it was huge. It seemed like a ship, the size of a cruiser, at least._

_ With the exception of Sovereign, Kaidan had never seen a ship of that size enter atmosphere. It was this realization that made the hair on the back of his neck stand on end, and drove him to pull his assault rifle from the weapons pack on his back. He walked forward apprehensively, raising the rifle to his shoulder and peering through the scope. Through it, he could see the ship, and what looked like a swarm of bugs headed right for them._

_ "Get everyone to the safehouse," Kaidan said urgently. He had a feeling that this was _not_ good news. As the swarm closed in rapidly, he fired off a few three-round bursts. "I'll cover you. Run!" He yelled over the sound of his gun. While everyone else in the area fled, Lilith hesitated, "Hurry!" He called out to her as he continued to spray bullets at the swarm._

_ The bug-like intruders soon overtook the group and began attacking the fleeing colonists. Kaidan did as best he could to ward them off, but they were so small and moved so fast, he was having trouble shooting them down. Lilith stumbled and fell, and Kaidan put down his rifle in order to help her up. Suddenly, he felt a sharp, stinging pain in the back of his neck. One of the fuckers had latched onto him._

_ "Ugh!" He grunted loudly as he reached for the offending creature. Grabbing onto the bug, which seemed to be as big as his fist, he ripped it unceremoniously from his neck. As part of his natural need to assess threats, he looked at it: the "bug" had four legs and wings, sort of resembling a large, ugly beetle. Disgusted, he threw it aside and reached to raise his rifle up to his shoulder again, but started feeling sluggish. His legs were unresponsive, and he couldn't feel them; he didn't have time to think about it before his entire body froze, paralyzed_

_Though he couldn't move, he was still perfectly aware of his surroundings. The blood-curdling screams of the colonists surrounded him as they fled. Perhaps the most disturbing things weren't the screams themselves, but the fact that he would hear them suddenly stop. He could only assume they'd also been stung. Soon after, he could only hear the occasional shriek from a great distance away. The silence was eerie; even the birds had ceased to sing._

_ Judging by the size of the ship that had landed outside the colony, he knew that these little bugs couldn't be its main inhabitants. There had to be a larger invasion force coming, and as of now, he was powerless to stop it._

Luckily, Kaidan had been amply prepared for his mission on Horizon. The Alliance had pumped him full of experimental anti-toxins; perhaps Intel already suspected that whoever was after the colonies was using some kind of paralyzing agent to immobilize the colonists for easy extraction. Whatever it was, it allowed him to regain limited movement before the monsters reached his position. At first, he tried his best to help Lilith and the other colonists, but his movements were so uncoordinated that he was forced to abandon his rescue attempts. All he could do was get himself to a safe distance and helplessly watch the subsequent events unfold.

_Kaidan had managed to get himself out of harm's way for now, but the neurotoxin still lingered in his bloodstream, and he couldn't quite make sense of his surroundings. He knew that he had made it to the other end of the colony, beside the control towers, but beyond that, his situational awareness was sketchy at best._

_ The invaders were a species he'd never seen before. They were tall and bug-like, flying in past the colony perimeter on wings akin to those of grasshoppers or cockroaches. In fact, that's what they looked like; bipedal cockroaches with four, glowing yellow eyes. Their appearance was not only creepy, it was downright frightening._

_ The terror of what he was seeing was intensified by their systematic approach to gathering and storing the colonists in cocoon-like pods. The limp, unconscious bodies were drug across the ground and unceremoniously plopped into each pod. For what purpose, God only knew. Kaidan watched with frustration as he saw people he knew – whether they liked or disliked him, it didn't matter now – hauled away in the pods, towards the massive ship only a few hundred yards away._

_ Somehow, he had to get the GARDIAN towers online. It was their only hope._

_ Before he could move himself out of the cover he had been hiding behind, a group of armed aliens approached the building. Kaidan slinked lower so he could avoid detection. But, just then, the ground began to shake, and a booming voice sounded from overhead:_

_ "ASSUMING CONTROL."_

_ Kaidan dared to peek over the ledge and see what was happening. A flash of blinding light came out of nowhere, and one of the patrolling aliens doubled over in what looked like pain before it rose off the ground. A sickly orange-gold glow emitted from what appeared to be cracks in its body and its eyes glowed more intensely. Whatever the hell it was, it looked scarier than anything else he'd seen thus far._

_ When the creature set back down on the ground, its exoskeleton resembled molten rock, and it moved forward towards a colonist with conviction and confidence. As it kneeled beside her, Kaidan's heart plummeted into his stomach as he realized that the colonist was Lilith. A large, floating black creature with enormous, insect-like legs passed behind them, followed by a swarm of gray, bipedal creatures Kaidan _did_ recognize. Husks._

Fuck,_ Kaidan thought._ How in the hell did these things get husks?

_ Alliance Intel believed that the husks were a geth creation, since Saren and his geth army had used them heavily two years ago. But these invaders weren't geth…maybe they were part of an alliance. One thing, however, was certain: the presence of husks connected the geth invasions of two years ago to these most recent abductions. Whatever was going on here, it was bigger than anyone in the Alliance suspected._

_ Kaidan's thoughts were interrupted when he heard the deep, booming voice again, "We are the Harbinger of their perfection," the magma-resembling alien stood and raised its arms. "Prepare these humans for Ascension."_

_ With that order, the others continued to load the colonists into the pods._

_ A low growl alerted Kaidan to a small group of husks approaching the entrance to the habitation module where he had been hiding. _Time to move, _he thought._

_With great difficulty, Kaidan began to limp towards the courtyard, in an effort to get to the GARDIAN batteries on the other side of the settlement. However, the sound of engines from an incoming spacecraft distracted both him and the husks. The husks ran away towards the incoming craft, giving Kaidan time to pull out his rifle and look at it through the scope. It was a Kodiak shuttle with black and gold markings, a Cerberus insignia displayed on the side…maybe Cerberus_ was _involved!_

_ The shuttle set down behind a wall on the far east side of the colony, and Kaidan lost track of it from there before it took back off again. Observing the behavior of the invaders, he noticed that they'd all but halted their operation to intercept whatever the shuttle had in store. It didn't look like they had expected its arrival. From these observations, Kaidan had to assume that the Cerberus shuttle was not a welcome factor as far as they were concerned._

_ Soon after the shuttle touched down, he figured out why. Through the scope of his rifle, he watched the movements of a small commando team that had touched ground. From the looks of it, the team was comprised of a human, a turian, and a salarian. The human he immediately recognized; a mess of wavy blonde hair, piercing blue eyes, and dark blue N7 armor gave Skylar away. Her turian companion had to be Garrus Vakarian, and by the reports, he assumed that the salarian was Mordin Solus. And also by the reports, it appeared they were working for Cerberus. Hell._

_ No matter the case – Cerberus or not – it looked like they were here to stop the bastards, and that could only be a good thing._

Unable to combat the invaders himself, all he could do was monitor the progress of Skylar's squad through the colony. The aliens put up one hell of a fight, but Sky was arguably the fiercest warrior in human history. She made short work of the ground forces at long range; not even the husks could get close to her when she had her sniper rifle at the ready. If they got too close, the salarian would unleash a barrage of tech attacks, freezing and burning his targets. Garrus hunkered down in cover beside Sky, his own rifle resting on his shoulder, occasionally letting a concussive round loose.

When he thought that they were through the thick of the action, he was horrified to watch as one of the aliens burst into glowing orange light as he had seen before. Whatever that transformation was, it clearly made that individual stronger both defensively and offensively. On more than one occasion, it would hit whatever Skylar was using as cover with a powerful biotic attack and knock her on her ass. Her signature tactic of hanging back and picking off opponents was clearly not working with this new, more powerful enemy.

But Skylar was highly adaptable. With incredible fluency, she coordinated her squadmates' attacks with hers in order to distract him, as well as bring down his biotic barrier so that she could tear through his armor. Finally, with a well-placed incineration attack, the superior enemy was defeated. He disintegrated into ash that floated away in the breeze, and Kaidan breathed a sigh of relief. Sky concentrated her patient attack back on the other aliens that continued to press in on her squad from all sides.

All but one enemy invader had fallen to Skylar's sniper rifle when the unthinkable happened: a terrible voice boomed, "ASSUMING CONTROL OF THIS FORM," and the last standing opponent transformed into the same powerful attacker that Sky had just defeated. Kaidan began to think that maybe this was a form of possession; that there was some force somewhere that could control individual soldiers on the battlefield. It wasn't unheard of, since Sovereign had used a similar technique to possess Saren after he'd committed suicide on the Citadel. As far as tactical thinking went, he knew that Sky was probably considering the same thing he was: all of these aliens had to be taken out, and quickly. If any one of them could potentially become this more powerful soldier, then she would have to dispatch them efficiently.

Skylar always got the job done, no matter how difficult it was. Somehow, she'd managed to get the GARDIAN turrets online while fighting off one of the terrible black, floating things that resembled a giant beetle. Kaidan's faculties were still questionable, and his gun was lying somewhere on the other side of the colony, so he had to watch helplessly as Sky ran and dodged the lightning-like beams that shot out of the creature's eyes. Occasionally, she would completely disappear for a few seconds; it appeared that Cerberus had provided her with a good cloak. She used those precious seconds to re-position herself and distract the creature so that she could get a clear shot. The weapon she used appeared to be the same weapon he'd seen many of the aliens using, and it was brutal. Despite the fact that the creature could re-charge its biotic barrier, she wore it down, killing it with a long shot with the alien beam weapon. The creature's dying shriek sounded through the courtyard as it exploded.

Shortly afterward, the ship on the outskirts of the settlement fired its main engine and lifted off as the turrets pounded on it. It was finally over.

_"Got what they came for. Colonists still onboard." The salarian said sadly, shaking his head._

_ "No! Don't let them get away!" Someone ran across the courtyard, looking up at the sky in distress. Kaidan immediately recognized him as one of the colonists, a man named Delan. Damned guy was a weasel, loved to blame him for anything that ever went wrong around the colony, and it didn't surprise Kaidan that he'd sat the battle out cowering in a bunker._

_ "There's nothing we can do, they're gone." Sky said to him apologetically._

_ Delan shook his head fervently, "Half the colony's in there! They took Egan and Sam, a-and Lilith! Do something!"_

_ Kaidan came out of the dwelling where he'd taken refuge. He didn't want Sky to see him just yet, so he slipped behind a stack of crates…he had no idea what he was going to say to her. Part of him was relieved that she was alive, that she had saved them, but the other part was so mad that the reports of her working with Cerberus were true. How could she do that to the Alliance? To her friends? To _him_?_

_ Skylar bit her lip and sighed heavily, "I didn't want it to end this way," she said firmly. "I did what I could."_

_ "More than most, Shepard." Garrus re-assured her._

_ Delan raised an eyebrow, "Shepard? Wait…I know that name." After a moment's thought, he continued, "Sure, I remember you. You're some type of big Alliance hero."_

_ Kaidan couldn't keep his silence any more, so he stepped out from behind the crates. "Commander Shepard," the shock on her face upon hearing his voice startled him a bit. He wasn't startled by the fact that she was shocked, but how her eyes immediately softened as she realized she was actually seeing him for the first time in years. It was the same look in her eyes that he'd seen just before their mission to Ilos…and it was a look that made him want to forget everything he'd seen and heard. But he just couldn't. "Captain of the _Normandy_, the first human Spectre, savior of the Citadel," for her sake and defense against the Alliance-hating colonist, he added, "you're looking at a legend, Delan…and a ghost." He turned to Sky, sort of regretting the passive-aggressive line he added on at the end._

_ Delan looked disapprovingly at him and crossed his arms, "All the good people we lost and _you_ get left behind, figures." He then uncrossed his arms, waved at them dismissively and huffed, "Screw this. I'm done with you Alliance types." With that, he walked off._

Good riddance,_ Kaidan thought before he focused back on Shepard. He took a few cautious steps forward, and looked into her blue eyes once again. He couldn't believe that he was actually looking at her…he never thought he would again. There was so much he wanted to say, but in that moment, he forgot it all. The only thing he could do was take her into his arms._

_ "I thought you were dead, Sky…we all did." He said softly as he pressed his cheek against hers affectionately. She rested the bridge of her nose on the side of his neck as she often did. It all felt so right…but then he remembered the Cerberus shuttle, the Intel reports, and he pulled back from her slowly._

_ Sky smiled a bit, "It's been too long, Kaidan. How've you been?"_

How've you been? She comes back after two years and all she has for me is, "How've you been?"_ Kaidan scoffed, "Is that all you have to say? You show up after two years and act like nothing's happened?" He approached her again, looking down at her hands as he took them, "I thought we had something, Sky, something real." Kaidan looked back up at her, "I loved you. Thinking you were dead tore me apart! How could you put me through that? Why didn't you try to contact me? Why didn't you let me know that you were alive?" The questions he'd meant to ask her in a more polite fashion were starting to fire out from his mouth due to his frustration. _

_ Obviously confused at his tone, Sky shook her head and looked at him pleadingly. "Sorry Kaidan, I was clinically dead! It took two years to bring me back." Her explanation, however, just confused him even more. What she was saying just didn't compute; people just didn't _come back_ from the dead. It didn't happen. Why was she making this shit up? "So much time has passed," she continued, "you've moved on. I don't want to re-open old wounds."_

_ How could she say that? Didn't she know that he would have jumped at the chance to be with her again? "I _did_ move on…at least I thought I did." He looked down at his boots, then slowly back up at her, "But now we've got reports about you and Cerberus." Now it was out. The main thing he'd wanted to ask her about since he'd started hearing rumors she was alive. _

_ Garrus confirmed these suspicions, "Reports? You mean you already knew."_

_ Kaidan felt he at least owed it to them to explain Intel's logic, "Alliance Intel thought that Cerberus might be behind the missing human colonies. They got a tip that this one might be the next one to get hit. Anderson stonewalled me, but there were rumors that you weren't dead, that you were working for the enemy."_

_ Skylar knitted her brows. Kaidan knew immediately he'd pushed some buttons. "Our colonies are _disappearing_! The Alliance turned its back on them. Cerberus is the only group willing to do something about it."_

_ Kaidan couldn't believe what he was hearing. The Alliance turning its back on humans? Really? "You can't really believe that! We both know what Cerberus is like, what they're capable of!" He walked towards her, "I wanted to believe the rumors that you were alive, but I never expected anything like this." The level of his disgust was quickly rising. He never thought he'd hear Sky admit to working with Cerberus, let alone defend the organization at the expense of the Alliance. "You turned your back on everything we believed in! You betrayed the Alliance." With as much spite as he could muster, he went even further, "You betrayed me."_

_ That last bit definitely stung, he could see it in her eyes. "Kaidan, you _know _me! You know I'd only do this for the right reason!" She gestured around, "You saw it yourself, the Collectors are targeting human colonies and they're working with the Reapers!"_

_ Kaidan sighed, it made sense. When he first figured out that the mysterious aliens must be the Collectors based on their behavior, he had no idea why they'd be abducting the human colonies. It made more sense than Cerberus abducting humans, at least. And if they were working with the Reapers, it would make sense why Shepard was hunting them down. It would also explain the presence of the husks, which he'd always suspected weren't geth technology…the geth didn't seem interested enough in organics to try and figure out how to mutate them. But how the two phenomena were connected, he had no idea, and that was the part that sounded sketchy to him._

_ "I want to believe you, Sky, but I don't trust Cerberus. They could be using the threat of a Reaper to manipulate you. What if they're behind it? What if _they're_ working with the Collectors?" Even though it sounded far-fetched, he had to consider every possibility._

_ "Dammit, Kaidan! You're so focused on Cerberus that you're ignoring the real threat!" Garrus growled._

_ Skylar set her jaw, "I can see you won't listen to reason."_

_ "You show up after two years and tell me you're working with Cerberus. Where does reason figure into any of this?" He shook his head, "You've changed, but I still know where my loyalties lie. I'm an Alliance soldier, always will be."_

_ The fire in Sky's eyes grew into an inferno. Kaidan knew that Sky took her work very seriously, and that he had basically called her a traitor. In his eyes, she was…but he knew that she believed that she was doing what was right. For that, he was sorry that he had to be so harsh, but she had to know that what she was doing was wrong. If he was the only one that would tell her and not blow sunshine up her ass about it, then so be it._

_ "I've got to report back to the Citadel, they can decide if they believe your story or not." With that, he turned to walk away from her, madder than he'd been when he first heard that she was possibly working with Cerberus._

_ Voice cracking slightly, she called after him, "I could use someone like you on my crew." He turned back to look at her and he could see her expression pleading for him to come with her, "It'll be just like old times."_

Old times, ha._ "No, it won't. I'll never work for Cerberus." A pang of guilt ran through him as he saw her eyes start to shimmer, "Goodbye Skylar, and be careful."_

_ He didn't look back again, but he could hear her signal her ship. "Joker, send the shuttle to pick us up. I've had enough of this colony."_

Later, Kaidan felt like he'd maybe been too harsh on Sky. He didn't give her judgment any credit; and he knew that if Sky was insulted by anything, it was by people second-guessing her judgment. Kaidan had come to admire her as a worthy leader, cunning tactician, and compassionate soul…if anyone could make the right decision, she could. But he still had a bad feeling about Cerberus, and he didn't want the woman he cared about to be in such a potentially dangerous situation. Well…she was always in dangerous situations anyway, but making deals with the devil didn't help matters.

In the end, he was right. Anderson had told him that the Illusive Man had wanted Skylar to save the Collector technology at their home base instead of destroying it. Sky basically gave him the middle finger and destroyed the base anyway, and it appeared her relationship with Cerberus was all but over. He applauded her for that, but apparently, his temper on Horizon had made quite an impression on her. She was pissed, and rightfully so, but he had hoped she wouldn't have taken it so hard. Perhaps she was right: too much had happened in the past two years…maybe those problems couldn't be fixed because of it. He wished that he could go back in time and change what he said the day the Collectors invaded, to give her more benefit of the doubt, but he couldn't.

With yet another aggravated sigh, he headed for the rapid transit shuttles. Councilor Anderson had requested to see him on the Presidium.

As the shuttle arced away from the port, he had to wonder what it was Anderson wanted. He'd already had an extensive debrief from the Horizon mission; what else was his former captain after?

"Commander Alenko! Good to see you again," Anderson smiled broadly as he waved the young Alliance sentinel graciously into his office. Standing next to him was an asari in sleek, form-fitting armor. Her fuscia complexion was accented by bright orange marks around her brow, akin to those of a tiger. The asari regarded him with respect, bowing her tentacled head, but didn't say a word. She didn't need to – Kaidan already knew her, by reputation only.

"You already know Adia T'Salk of Citadel Special Tactics and Reconnaissance," Anderson beamed proudly, looking from the asari Spectre back to Kaidan.

He nodded, "I know of her." Probing Anderson's expression, Kaidan could only guess that her presence was good news. "Any particular reason she has joined us at this meeting?"

T'Salk took the liberty of speaking. "Special Tactics and Recon has assigned me to you until further notice."

Kaidan raised his eyebrows at Anderson, but focused his attention back onto T'Salk. "Assigned you to me?"

"Indeed," a corner of her blue-violet lips crept upward. "The Council believes you are ready to become one of us."


	8. Chapter 7: Slipping the Surly Bonds of E

**Chapter Seven**

**Slipping the Surly Bonds of Earth**

When she returned to her quarters, Shepard was surprised to find a large package sitting next to her model ship case in addition to the small take-out box on her desk. Its presence intrigued her; she hadn't sent for anything, nor had she ordered anything while ashore. What was in this package was a complete mystery as far as she was concerned. With a heavy sigh, she began to shed the layers of her armor like a reptile would its skin as she made her way to her armor locker. Instead of putting it all away, she left it in a pile in front of the locker, too distracted to really care that tens of thousands of credits worth of personal protective equipment lay neglected on the floor.

She shed her sweaty athletic support bra in favor of a plain white boy beater and her compression shorts for her normal fatigue bottoms. Retrieving her black leather combat boots from under her bed, she secured the magnetic clasps and bloused her pants over the top in traditional military fashion. After a bit, she realized that it was chillier than normal, and that there were white goosebumps on her arms. At first, this puzzled her, but then she remembered that the ship's engines had been shut down since oh-seven hundred that morning at the latest. Normally, the _Normandy'_s stealth system would draw off the heat of the engines and into the skin of the vessel, which made it a bit warmer than the average warship. For now, it was tolerable, but she anticipated that the environmental systems would be taken offline at some point and not be able to pick up the slack in maintaining the ship's interior temperature. In the interest of comfort, she opened a compartment in the dresser next to her armor locker and pulled out her N7 hooded sweatshirt and put it on, zipping it up about three-quarters of the way. It had been a gift from Councilor Anderson to replace the one she had been issued upon graduation from N7 training, but was lost aboard the first _Normandy_. Like the original, it was navy blue and mimicked the look of her N7 armor, with the red and white stripe down the right arm and N7 insignia on the right chest. She always wore it when she was ashore, since she was always in a uniform onboard a starship.

After plucking a few pieces of lint from her hoodie, she shifted her attention to the box in her cabin's office. Settling down on the steps between her living space and her office, she ran her hands over the polymer surface, searching for a clue as to where it came from. Finding none, she undid the silver aluminum clasps on the case, opening it carefully, revealing the foam-lined interior and a small data pad perched on top. She raised an eyebrow and picked up the pad, turning it on and finding a message on it.

_Message Encoded_

_Systems Alliance Navy_

_ADM Shepard, Sven D._

_CO, 6th Fleet_

_Message Decoded_

_Skylar,_

Sky smiled as she realized that the package must have come from her father. Looking beyond the standard Alliance header, she noticed that he'd elected to write his message in Swedish, the native language of her paternal grandparents. Her grandfather had been a Scottish immigrant to Sweden, and her grandmother had lived her whole life in Stockholm. Her father grew up speaking Swedish, and even though they had lived on Alliance ships her whole life, he saw the value in teaching the "dying" languages of Earth to his daughter. Often times he would compose personal messages to his family in Swedish, especially for delivery through third parties. He was a private man, and knew that the vast majority of galactic civilization probably couldn't even speak or understand Swedish, let alone read it. With a half smile, she read on:

_I arranged to have this package delivered to your ship the next time you docked at the Citadel. Anderson tells me she's another _Normandy;_ hopefully she will bear you to better fortune than her namesake._

_I understand you lost many of your personal belongings aboard the SR1, and your mother and I thought that we should replace them for you. They're not the originals, but hopefully they'll do._

Shepard raised an eyebrow and looked back into the box. She saw a stack of what looked like books, which indeed they were. Picking up one of the soft, leather-bound volumes, she read the golden letters printed on the crimson spine: "Jules Verne: Seven Collected Works." Her lips stretched into a broad smile as she turned the thick book over in her hands, gold-lined pages flashing under the dim light of her cabin. She had always been a sucker for classic science fiction, having devoured the stories of the greatest science fiction writers in her youth. For a little girl, life aboard ships and having both parents on duty often made for a lonely existence. Books became a welcome escape, and she loved to read about the fantastical journeys of the characters in them. She was also fascinated by how closely modern spaceflight had come to the visions of the classic authors; they truly were visionary people.

While she was at the Academy, she had obtained a nice, leather-bound omnibus volume of each of her favorite authors. At every posting she'd had after commissioning, these books would always come with her. Indeed, the originals had been lost aboard the old _Normandy, _but it looked like her father had managed to track down the books from her old collection. Carefully removing each book and placing it gently on the deck beside the box, she made sure all five were there: Jules Verne, H.G. Wells, Ray Bradbury, Isaac Asimov, and Arthur C. Clarke. She smiled and thanked her father silently, a tear threatening to come to her eye. There was something special to her about these books, thus why she kept them in print versus on a data pad. Stroking the leather binding on the spines of her books, she read on:

_Be sure you find the small chip hidden in the bottom, it contains a collection of music your mother put together for you. She knows your tastes better than I do._

Skylar fished around in the bottom of the case to find the chip. It was about the size of the pad of her thumb, and probably contained at least a year's worth of music. She had a fairly archaic palate when it came to music, tending to lean towards material from the late 20th century on Earth. It wasn't that she wasn't into current music, but there was something original and fresh about those songs from 200 years ago. She palmed the chip and put it in her pocket as she continued reading; maybe she'd have time to plug it into her private terminal later.

_You'll also find a plaque, which was given to me by Flight Captain Reynolds shortly after your death. An identical plaque is hanging in _Oppenheimer'_s pilot briefing room. I know it seems a bit morbid, but I figured you needed to see it._

Sure enough, there a large plaque made of solid mahogany, heavier than any one of the large books. A gold plate dominated half of it, and the other half was a holo of her taken the day she got her wings. In it, she was hanging off the rungs of the ladder attached to her T-66 Manta Ray fighter, gripping the ladder with one hand and her helmet in the other. A broad smile graced her face, and her hair – which she had kept long at the time – cascaded down her shoulders. She had only been 20 years old when that picture was taken, and so much had changed since then that it felt like a whole other life.

The age of the picture, though, wasn't what got her attention. The brass plate was engraved with an old poem, one written by a fighter pilot from World War II – universally regarded as the darkest conflict in Earth's history. Even though it was so old, the words were familiar to pilots in the decades since, especially to those who had lost their friends.

"_Oh! I have slipped the surly bonds of earth  
And danced the skies on laughter-silvered wings;  
Sunward I've climbed, and joined the tumbling mirth  
Of sun-split clouds...and done a hundred things  
You have not dreamed of...wheeled and soared and swung  
High in the sunlit silence. Hov'ring there  
I've chased the shouting wind along, and flung  
My eager craft through footless halls of air.  
Up, up the long delirious, burning blue,  
I've topped the windswept heights with easy grace  
Where never lark, nor even eagle flew...  
And, while with silent lifting mind I've trod  
The high untrespassed sanctity of space,  
Put out my hand and touched the face of God."_

Under the poem read another inscription:

"_LTCR Skylar Laine Shepard_

_Callsign: Tiger_

_401st Fighter Squadron_

'_Blackbirds'_

_SSV_ Oppenheimer"

Small hands and slender fingers ran over the etching in the brass, seeming as surreal as death itself had felt. Now that she thought about it, she hadn't thought about her death at all since she woke up to Miranda's urgent voice several months ago. She hadn't had the time, or the reason, to really stop and think. This plaque, however, gave her plenty of reason to think about it after all this time. In her time as a fighter pilot, she had seen dozens like it hanging from the back walls of various pilot briefing rooms – the wall reserved for the fallen. Seeing this plaque – _her_ plaque – finally brought it all home: she had died. She had slipped the surly bonds of Earth, and by some crazy science, had been brought back again.

Since her commissioning ceremony, she'd cheated death many times and patted herself on the back for her ingenuity. Ever since she woke up in the Cerberus facility, she'd treated her actual death in the same manner. To her, it had just seemed like coming out of cryostasis, or a really long nap. She'd given almost no thought to how her death had affected other people, particularly those she cared for. It must have been so hard for her mother and father, despite the fact that they knew the risks of military life. But there had to have been no closure for them: a mysterious cruiser destroys the most classified vessel in the Alliance, and on top of it all, they never found her body. Perhaps sending her this plaque was her father's way of telling her how much they had missed her, and how hard it had been for them…how hard it must have been for everyone. He often did things by subtle suggestion; and perhaps it _was_ time to take account of everything she'd lost. She chewed her bottom lip and continued to read the last bit of her father's letter:

_I hope you take this plaque as a reminder of how your death affected everyone in your life. Not just us, but your friends, those who served with you, they were all affected. There was one who served under your command that stood out to me…the one who gave us the flag at your funeral. He was the _Normandy'_s helmsman, I believe, and was particularly shaken up. Captain Reynolds – your old CAG – spoke at your funeral, and gave very favorable words of your early career. I know you didn't like him much, but he has always supported you where it counts._

Skylar cocked an eyebrow. Flight Commander Reynolds – as she had known him as the Commander Aerospace Group of the SSV _Oppenheimer_ – had always been very critical of her. He always maintained that she was too aggressive, but never denied that she was a good pilot. In fact, he'd taken her resignation from the squadron quite hard, telling her that she was making a mistake. Some days, she thought that maybe he was right: she missed the cockpit and the freedom it afforded her. However, she believed in destiny, and she knew that as of this moment she was fulfilling her one great destiny; she had no idea what would be happening if she had stayed in that cockpit. Perhaps they would all be dead.

That wasn't the part of that paragraph that piqued her curiosity, though. Her father's remark about Reynolds didn't surprise her – they had always had a love/hate relationship. She read the sentence over again, _"He was the _Normandy'_s helmsman, I believe, and was particularly shaken up."_ Surely, her father didn't mean Joker…

But it had to be. If the funeral had followed Alliance military tradition, the folded-up flag that draped her casket would have been delivered to her next of kin by the last person to see her alive. As well as she could remember, that person was Joker. But she knew Joker – she counted him among her closest friends – and she just couldn't imagine him being anything but strong at her funeral. Not to mention he hadn't uttered a word about her death since they met up again in the Voyager Cluster. Then again, she couldn't really imagine the funeral itself, and thinking about it wasn't something she was eager to do. Perhaps there would be time to talk to Joker about it later, but for now, she elected to read the last paragraph of the letter.

_Sometimes I wonder if you know how fortunate you are…not many people get a second chance, Skylar. Use it to do what you do best. I know that you are on a highly classified and dangerous mission, and that the entire fate of the galaxy may be at stake – no matter what the Council says, I know it's true. Because of this, I will be sure the Sixth Fleet stands ready to assist you when the time comes. Even if the Alliance has turned its back on you, I never will._

_Keep your course true,_

_Papa_

"Thanks, Papa." Shepard whispered. His support would be the greatest gift of all: the Sixth Fleet was the least hard hit of all the Alliance fleets by the Battle of the Citadel, and last she knew, it was still at full strength. At this point, she'd take all the help she could get. Part of this gesture surprised her, since her father was a very by-the-book type of man, it was very rare for him to deviate from protocol. But, she also knew that he most likely saw through the bullshit the Alliance brass and the Council were feeding him, and that protocol always gave way to doing what was right. Of late, she'd actually considered going back to the Sixth Fleet with the _Normandy,_ now that she had broken ties with Cerberus. How the Alliance would react to this, however, she wasn't sure, and she didn't want to put her father in a precarious situation. Nevertheless, she was grateful to have at least one ally left in the Alliance.

Suddenly, her Omni-tool pinged with an incoming message: it was Doctor Chakwas. _"I heard you were back aboard, please come see me right away."_ The message sounded polite, but urgent. _Right,_ Skylar thought as she gathered up the books and plaque and stood up, headed towards her desk. She placed the books next to her medal case, and set the plaque carefully in the empty space where Kaidan's picture had once rested, propping it against the bulkhead temporarily until she could get it properly mounted. After grabbing three cookies out of the brushed metal box that sat on the shelf next to her hamster's cage, she picked up the foot-long to-go box and headed out of her cabin.

On the way down to deck 3, Shepard carefully opened the to-go box and checked her sandwich for any offending toppings. Ever since she was little, she had detested tomatoes and avoided eating them like the plague. Garrus must have remembered her preference, because she only found pickles and lettuce along with ranch dressing and bacon on the sandwich. She smiled and reminded herself to thank Garrus when she saw him that evening.

The elevator finally came to a stop, and as soon as the doors opened, she turned to the left and headed straight to the medical bay. She waved at Gardner as she passed with the hand that held her home-made cookies, and he returned her wave. Since her hands were full, she used the back of her hand to activate the holographic controls on the med bay door.

As soon as she heard the door open, Chakwas turned around in her chair and greeted her, "Commander, please, come in!"

Shepard grinned as she set her food down on Chakwas's desk. The doctor gestured to a chair that normally wasn't there, inviting the Commander to sit down across from her. Taking a seat, Shepard opened the box containing her sandwich and said, "I hope you don't mind, lunch got cut a bit short today."

"I heard," Chakwas raised an eyebrow, "another unpleasant run-in with Kaidan."

Shepard paused as she went to bring the sandwich to her mouth, "Yeah, Thane almost shot him." _Wow, word on this ship travels fast, _she thought as she took a bite off the end.

"I'm sorry to hear things are going so rough between the two of you." Chakwas said apologetically.

Wiping a dribble of ranch dressing off the corner of her mouth, Sky shook her head, "It's okay, I'm over it for the most part. I don't need the negativity, you know?"

"I understand," Chakwas said, nodding respectfully. "He did care about you quite a bit, though. Told me all the time about how wonderful you were."

Sky cocked a surprised eyebrow, "He told you that?"

"Oh yes," Chakwas smiled softly, "many people think the world of you, Skylar, even if they haven't told you directly."

Shepard shrugged and continued working at her sandwich, "So, enough about me, what's on your mind, Doc?"

"Well, I got a rare visit from Jeff earlier this afternoon." Chakwas sighed, making Sky sit a bit more on the edge of her seat.

She knitted her brows in concern, "Is something wrong?"

"Well, yes." For the first time since Shepard had met her, Chakwas looked uncomfortable, shifting her weight around nervously. "I admit, Commander, I haven't been totally honest with you regarding Jeff."

Shepard recalled the instance where they'd shared a few too many glasses of Saurian Ice Brandy together, when Chakwas had told her that much of her reason for joining Cerberus was to keep an eye on Joker. She had told her that Joker would always need her help, even if he'd never admit it. Perhaps it was then that Shepard had suspected – despite her inebriated state – that maybe there was more to Chakwas and Joker joining Cerberus and the Lazarus Cell than what she had originally thought. "You told me that Joker would always need you because of his Vrolik's, and that's why you're here. Are you saying there's even more to it than that?"

Chakwas nodded, "Yes, I'm afraid so. Until recently, it had fallen into the realm of doctor-patient confidentiality, but now I have no such luxury."

Shepard chewed on her sandwich with a cautious look in her eye. She had a feeling this wasn't going to be good.

"When you died," Chakwas sighed as she began her explanation, "Jeff was the last person to see you alive, and it affected him profoundly. He was a wreck, Skylar."

Shepard almost choked on the bite of sandwich rolling around in her mouth. _Wreck? Joker? No way._ If what Chakwas just told her was true, that meant her father's recollections of a troubled helmsman weren't faulty after all. Still, she had a hard time believing it; Joker was her friend, if it had bothered him that much, why didn't he talk to her about it?

Chakwas saw the look of shock on the Commander's face and continued despite it, "Shortly after the funeral, he started having dreams – nightmares – about the attack. They became increasingly vivid, and after a while, they started to affect his performance. The Alliance had no choice but to ground him."

"Joker told me about that," Shepard said, recalling the conversation she'd had with Joker just before he showed her the _Normandy_. He had told her that the team had been split apart and he had been grounded. She added, softly, "But he never told me why."

"After that, he moved to a colony on Mars in order to be closer to me at my duty station…I was the only person he trusted to treat him. It took a while, but we got him back to flight status." Chakwas bit her lower lip, "One day, he came to me and told me that we had to leave the Alliance. I told him he had to be out of his mind, because we had worked so hard to get him his flight status back, but he'd become increasingly disgusted by the Alliance ignoring the Reapers. He said that it insulted your memory that all you did was dismissed so easily, and that we had a chance to fight with you again. I didn't believe him at first, but when he said that he was going no matter what I said, I knew that I had to go with him."

"So, let me get this straight, Joker found out about the Lazarus Project and drug you along with him?" Shepard said, eyes widening by the minute.

"That is exactly what I'm saying," Chakwas nodded. "But that isn't the issue. The issue is that in the few days since we left the Collector base, he has relapsed. His nightmares are back, and they're getting worse."

Shepard closed her eyes for a moment to process what she had just heard. This meant that Joker's performance could suffer, and right now, they couldn't afford to have the best pilot in the galaxy on the sidelines. "Is there anything you can do? We've still got Reapers to beat."

Chakwas shrugged, "I have given him some sleeping pills to help him rest easier, but the stresses are going to eventually override the medication. If Jeff can't work through the issue, I don't know that there's much else I can do."

Skylar polished off her sandwich and started munching on a cookie, "What 'issue' are we talking about here? Is it PTSD? What's the deal?"

Sighing and rising from her work station, Chakwas began to pace the med bay. "It isn't the classic post-traumatic stress disorder, though it might seem that way on the surface. There is a lot of survivor's guilt there, no question about it, but I think losing _you_ was the impetus behind these episodes, not the loss of the ship or any of the other crew."

Shepard raised an eyebrow. At the Academy, she'd studied human factors in the military environment. She had always been a people person and a skilled strategist, so she meshed well with her chosen degree. In her studies, as well as in the field, she had seen many examples of PTSD arising from incidents such as what happened to the _Normandy_. Veetor, the quarian they had rescued on Freedom's Progress, was a classic example. The more she thought about it, the more it didn't seem like PTSD. However, she knew that survivor's guilt could also manifest as nightmares and flashbacks. The part that puzzled her, though, was Chakwas's certainty that it had been _her_ loss that had triggered these episodes, and not the disaster itself.

"Are you sure about that, Doc?" Shepard inquired.

Chakwas wrinkled her brow and rubbed at her temple, "I am, in fact. However, I believe you should talk to Jeff about it before I elaborate further."

Skylar got the distinct impression that Chakwas was keeping something from her. Looking at the doctor askance, she said, "What aren't you telling me, Doc?"

Chakwas shook her head, "Like I told you, you need talk to him about it. There are…insights…into his situation that only he should give you."

"Alright, Doc, I'll talk to him." Skylar sighed and resigned herself to the fact that she was going to have to get to the bottom of it by talking to Joker. It just seemed so odd to her, though: she'd known Joker to be cool under fire, more so than the rest of her crew, even. Her most recent memory of Joker's ability to keep it together in a harrowing situation was when they'd walked into an ambush on a supposedly deserted Collector ship.

_The Collector ship was powering up its weapons. They didn't have much time._

_"Ensign, get the hell out of that seat, NOW!" She barked as Cerberus Ensign Scott Trenton looked at her with wide brown eyes. He moved over to the adjacent console without a word._

_ Skylar started up the Kodiak's engines as if she did it every day and called out through the open cockpit hatch into the shuttle's main hold, "Hang on!"_

_ She firewalled the throttle, and the acceleration forced Ensign Trenton to grab onto the edge of his seat. "Ma'am?" He said nervously as they hurtled towards the _Normandy'_s opening shuttle bay at maximum speed._

_ "Did anyone tell you I was a fighter pilot in another life, Ensign?" Skylar said, almost too calmly for her own taste. The terrified ensign shook his head silently before she continued, "We're going to catch a wire."_

_ Of course, the phrase "catching a wire" wasn't so literal anymore, thanks to mass effect fields, but the principle was the same. Carriers had mass effect field-generating strips running along their decks that could be "caught" by a fighter's gravimetric "tailhook," increasing its mass so that it would come down to the deck in a rather unceremonious manner. The best way to get the deck boss mad at you was to come in at a steep descent angle so that you made a nice dent in the deck when your tailhook came into contact with the strip. Combat landings were always made at high speed, often times causing nasty bruises where your safety harness dug into you as you come to a halt from speeds in excess of a few thousand kilometers per hour._

_ But this wasn't a fighter, and _Normandy_ wasn't a carrier. This was going to be interesting._

_ In her peripheral vision, Skylar could see the lights coming on inside the Collector vessel. The shuttle bay was still a few hundred meters away. _Come on baby, give me all you've got!_ She willed the shuttle to go faster as her adrenaline level rose._

_ Finally, the shuttle crossed the threshold, and Skylar immediately fired the ventral thrusters so that she didn't put an enormous dent in _Normandy'_s shuttle bay. Due to the high-speed touchdown, the shuttle shook when it hit the deck. Skylar punched the hatch button and exited the craft before Thane and Miranda could get their safety harnesses off._

_ Shepard sprinted to the elevator, and cursed its sluggishness as she watched the deck numbers creep towards 2. When it finally arrived, she erupted out of it and charged down the left side of the CIC, almost knocking down several scrambling crewmen. Her pulse was racing, and her breathing was quick and heavy inside her hardsuit. This feeling was all too familiar – all the running, commotion, and hard breathing through a mask – it all felt just like the day she died._

_ Her boots thundered along the catwalk leading to the bridge, the noise causing Joker to turn around briefly. She skidded to a halt behind the pilot's chair and gripped the headrest tightly with her left hand. Shepard looked quickly from the starboard viewports to the fore ones directly ahead. Her sky blue eyes were wide with fear and her brow was soaked in sweat. This was one of the rare times in her life where she was truly terrified._

_ The ship rocked as the Collectors fired, missing only by a few meters. Shepard watched as Joker moved his hands calmly and precisely on the holographic helm panels. She marveled at how easy he made it look: she was used to the throttle quadrant and joystick of a fighter. While her hands were shaking, his were steady, maneuvering the frigate gracefully to evade the deadly Collector ship._

_ "I can't dodge this guy forever, EDI. Get us the hell out of here!" Joker said, the edge in his voice sounding more like annoyance than fear._

_ "Specify a destination, Mr. Moreau." EDI said as if they were taking a leisurely cruise._

_ The ship rocked as the Collector ship came dangerously close to hitting them again. Joker rolled his eyes, "Anywhere that's _not_ here!" he said incredulously, as if he didn't believe that the AI was actually asking for a destination at a time like this._

_ Luckily, EDI seemed satisfied with that response, "Engaging mass effect core."_

_ Skylar could hear the _Normandy_'s engines spinning up just before the ship jumped and the momentum dampeners kicked in. The glow of blue ribbons across the viewports told her that they'd done what the first _Normandy_ hadn't been able to do: escape a Collector attack._

_ Shivering, she stumbled over to the chair on the rear starboard part of the bridge and let her quaking legs collapse under her. She took off her helmet, setting it between her feet, and tried to shake off the nauseating feeling in her gut. Now that the adrenaline was wearing off, she felt like shit._

_ "EDI, take the helm for a minute." She heard Joker say as she held her head in her hands, staring at the deck._

_ Joker grunted softly as he got up out of his chair and limped over to where she was sitting. With a bit of effort, he got down on a knee so that he was eye level with her, "You okay?"_

_ Skylar looked up at her helmsman and nodded, "Yeah, I'm a bit shaken up, but I'll be fine." In all honesty, she wanted to throw up. She clearly remembered not being this scared when the SR1 was attacked and destroyed, save maybe for when she realized her hardsuit had a leak. This time, it seemed like she was going to repeat history, and that thought terrified her more than suffocating had. _

_ "Almost lost you back there," Joker said with a weak smile, "glad you made it out this time."_

_ "Me too," she said, then exhaled a long breath. After a moment, she collected herself and stood up, helping Joker up at the same time, "Thanks, Joker."_

_ "Anytime," he shrugged and patted her on the arm. "Why don't you go unwind for a bit? I'll let you know when the Illusive Man gives us a call."_

_ She smiled, "Good idea, keep me posted." With one last smile for her pilot, she left the bridge. A hot shower sounded like a _really_ good idea._

He kept his cool so well during that whole incident that Skylar was still having a hard time believing that he'd lost it after she died. One thing was for certain, though, she wasn't going to get any answers by just standing around thinking about it.

"Thank you for talking to him, Commander." Chakwas said, "I know that he wouldn't come and see you of his own accord."

"Well, that's just stubborn old Joker for you." Skylar shrugged as she stood up and gathered the remnants from her lunch. "I'll catch you later, Doc. Perhaps we can do dinner sometime?"

"I'd like that very much, Skylar." Chakwas smiled and nodded. "We haven't had much time to visit, what with Collectors and all."

"Indeed," Skylar smiled and turned to walk out of the med bay, giving Chakwas one last wave.

Before she could walk out of the medical bay, Chakwas said, "He blames himself, you know."

Skylar turned around and bit her lip, "He shouldn't."

"Maybe you should tell him that," Chakwas said softly, "I'm sure it would mean a lot coming from you."

"I'll be sure to tell him." Shepard nodded and took one last look at Chakwas before she continued on out the door.

She walked across the empty mess hall and disposed of her trash behind the galley counter. Everyone must be taking advantage of his or her shore leave, she concluded, because not even Gardner was on duty. Catching a glimpse of the door to Miranda's office, Shepard bit the inside of her cheek. Ever since their disagreement in the briefing room earlier that morning, Skylar had felt like she needed to check up on her first officer. Now was as good a time as any.

Skylar paced the few meters to Miranda's office door and stopped to let out a long sigh. _Here goes nothing,_ she thought as she tapped on the holographic panel and walked through.

"Commander," Miranda looked up from her desk console, "what can I do for you?"

"Do you have a minute, Miranda?" Sky said a bit apprehensively before her first officer nodded silently and ushered her in with a quick gesture of her hand.

Miranda rose gracefully from her chair, the light gleaming off her sleek, black Cerberus jumpsuit. Gesturing to the couch under the view port, she said, "Please, Commander, sit down."

Sky settled on the opposite side of Miranda and crossed her legs, folding her hands on her knee. "I just wanted to check in. You seemed pretty upset this morning."

Miranda rifled through her long dark brown hair a moment, avoiding eye contact, "I _was_ upset," she shrugged. Skylar could tell that she wanted to say more, but was having a hard time putting her thoughts into words. Finally, she just said, "I also said things I shouldn't have, and I apologize."

Sighing, Skylar nodded. For all she had been disappointed in her first officer, she could see where she was coming from. Cerberus had given her everything she could have wanted, and her connection with the organization was deeply personal. "Miranda, I knew that this would be difficult for you."

"Still, it was not my place to question your decision." Miranda shook her head, "For all Cerberus and the Illusive Man have done for me, he was wrong to want you to preserve the Collector base."

Skylar raised her eyebrows, "You think so?"

"Absolutely," the lithe, shapely woman rose from the couch and stared out the view port. "In fact, I think if I had been with you in that chamber and heard what the Illusive Man wanted to do firsthand, I'd have given him my resignation right then and there."

Smiling slightly, Shepard remarked, "I think you might have had to, he would have ordered you to stop me."

Miranda shook her head, "I couldn't have let the technology that _liquefied_ human beings be preserved any more than you could. There are lines you just don't cross." She sat back down on the couch and tried to look more nonchalant than she actually was.

Skylar considered her First Officer for a minute or two in the silence that followed. The whole situation obviously troubled Miranda a great deal, and why wouldn't it? Cerberus had protected her from the time she was a young woman running from a tyrannical father. She had been one of the Illusive Man's top operatives for many years, and had once said that she knew for certain that his motivations were for the greater good. But now that the Illusive Man had pushed Shepard so hard to make a decision that maybe made tactical sense on the surface, but was fraught with ethical issues, her faith was understandably shaken. In a way, Shepard was glad that Miranda was grappling so hard with the situation. It meant that even though she had initially wanted to put a control chip inside her head, she actually cared about the purpose of their mission beyond her loyalty to Cerberus.

"What does this mean for Oriana? I don't think Cerberus will take our defection lightly." Skylar pointed out. It was something that was on the forefront of her mind, along with the possibility of Cerberus going on an all-out man hunt for her, the ship, and the crew.

Miranda sighed, "I don't know, I've been trying to figure that one out myself. Most of my contacts are Cerberus, and I don't know if I can trust them anymore." She scoffed and bit her lip, "Damn, it's like running away from home all over again."

"If it'll help," Shepard offered, "my father has contacts in Alliance intelligence, and I can see if maybe he can pull some strings to protect Oriana and her family."

Miranda swallowed hard and her eyes started to shimmer, "Thank you, Commander. You did me a huge favor helping to protect her in the first place; this is beyond anything I'd ever ask of you." She sniffed a little bit and dabbed at the corner of her eye with a knuckle.

"It isn't a problem," Sky reassured her.

Miranda nodded silently, a single tear rolling down her cheek. With one final sniff, she walked back over to her desk. "We should talk later, Shepard. I have some work I need to catch up on."

"Fair enough," Skylar got up and walked towards the door. "And Miranda?"

"Yes?" Miranda looked up from her console.

"You can call my Sky," She half-smiled at her first officer, showing her that she didn't need to completely shut her commander out.

Miranda returned her smile, "I'll try to remember that, Commander."

As she stepped out of Miranda's office, Sky shook her head a little bit. _Normandy_'s first officer was always so prim and proper. With that final thought, she walked towards the elevator, trying to figure out what she was going to do with the next several hours before her bout with Garrus and Thane. All she really could do was wait for any resignation letters to come in and for the maintenance reports…but she didn't need to worry about either right at the moment. The maintenance reports wouldn't be in until dinner, and she had until 0900 the next morning before she processed resignation letters.

_Oh well_, she thought,_ I'll find something to do…probably stare at the fish. And feed them._


End file.
